After another restless night, I actually fell into a deep sleep near the wee hours. I was puttering around, drinking my tea this morning when my cousin called and asked how the kids were doing.
Apparently, I’m fine when people ask how I am doing because aside from some fear and mental grief I am fine. But, when they ask how the kids are, I completely fall apart. I burst into tears over the phone and couldn’t stop. That was probably a good thing as it’s the first time I’ve actually cried about all that’s going on. I feel like I spent so much time crying over Dad dying last year that I didn’t want to spend more tears on Mr. X, who does not deserve them, but there they were.
And, actually the tears are not about Mr. X at all, the tears are about the huge amount of loss I feel for my children. The difference between how I look back on my father and how they will look back on theirs couldn’t be further apart. I’m trying so hard to keep them out of all this trauma, and yet they know more than they should just by virtue of him refusing to provide enough support for his family to have a chance to start over. The kids are unfortunately now aware that there is a present struggle even to have the most basic of needs met, and they know the reason why. I wish they didn’t.
My cousin heard me crying over the phone as she was driving into town to go to work. She said “hang on, I’m not that far away, I’m turning around and I’ve got something for you”. She showed up at my house with this:
I can’t remember exactly what she said, but it involved the flowers being beautiful and alive and smelling good, and that I was all of that too (the way she said it was so touching and I can’t remember it).
Edited note. She texted me again what she said to me at home: And for the record: you are beautiful, colourful, vibrant and add a sweetness to the room you are in. Everyone should have someone like this in their lives
These loving flowers are sitting beside me today as I get some work done. I am so humbled by the outpouring of love and support I have received from my people. I had a message last night from a dear friend since high school. This woman was a single parent to her daughter from day one and has done such an amazing job of raising a beautiful young woman. She’s the person I go to when I set the standard for how I want to lead my family into our future.
I have realized that all of this that is going on is not my hell. I didn’t create this. This is a reflection of his reality not mine.
My reality is living here in this house that I adore with the people I love, safely back with my family, in the place I love most in the world. I’m doing exactly what makes my soul sing in looking after my family. I am so incredibly thankful that this is my life.
*I’ve got another happiness moment coming up tonight… a pre-planned one.*