We finally got started on the task of cleaning out Dad’s closet today. It was difficult and emotional, but a chance to sort through some memories and feelings about loss and letting things go. In the past I have not let go either gracefully or peacefully, it’s kind of a work in progress for me that lesson.
I think Dad would have rolled his eyes at the fact that it took us so long to be strong enough to face the task of donating some of his things. He would have told us to pack it up and get it out to someone who could use it right away. But, I think he also would be so touched that he is so deeply loved that there is this group of people who miss him so much. It makes me think about who I want to surround myself with and walk with me on the rest of my journey. It has become so important to me to make sure those are the right people – the ones who know how to laugh, love, find peace, follow God, know how to give and take, and lift each other up.
I came to a realization as I was sorting through my Dad’s things and mentally sorting through emotions left over by last week’s stellar visit from Mr. X. I have wanted so badly to make things better for the kids, to heal them, to make up for all that they are lacking but I can’t do that. No matter how badly I want to, I can’t make up for the things they don’t have – and we are never going to heal that way. I need to let that shit go. We are an awesome little family, and the fact that some painful stuff has happened does not change that. I need to focus way more on the fact that we are this loving, strong, intact family and much less on any force that has tried to weaken us.
This morning I was lying in bed with Jenna who was trying to tickle me and generally get a rise out of me. Jacob came flying into the room and said oh good, it’s my favourite game. I said what’s that? He answered the bug mom game and leapt on the bed with a pillow to smack me with. Those kids, my family, my life – what a happiness moment.