Today’s happiness moment was an evening walk with Dottie, Mom and Jenna followed by a cuddled up movie with Jenna.
It was a beautiful evening to walk and visit and look at the mountains. It was warm and fuzzy to finish it off with some quiet time with my Jenna.
I got to do THE thing that is guaranteed to make my soul smile today. I don’t do it enough, but oh when I do…..
Dottie followed me out into the field. She’s never seen me on a horse before and at first was a little confused but soon fell in pace behind us. For a dog who had to live such a confined life up until 4 months ago, she certainly has adapted to her ranch freedom well (now if I could just get her to stop chasing cars!) My nephew said you look awesome out there auntie Melissa, with your majestic cow dog!
There was a moment that suspended in time while I was riding. I was at the top of the field on the dude named Princess, my mom and my nephew were visiting halfway down the field, Jenna was madly riding her bike up from our house, and Jacob was walking up the road. All of us outside enjoying a beautiful summer night. I looked up onto the sky and the sun was sending sparkly rays through a hole in the clouds. It was as if Dad was smiling down on us from heaven. It felt like a normal, happy night. Well…. a night in the new normal anyway. A happiness moment.
I have a love/hate relationship with Dad’s change room. When I walk in there it’s like time has been suspended. All of his things are still there – waiting for him to come use them. Well, except for the fact that some of his ashes are also there. That kind of ruins my fantasy that everything is normal.
I like to go into his room and talk to him. It makes me feel safe and feel close to him. After I’m done chatting away I always stand and sigh and look around the room. It always seems so strange to me that all his things are still here exactly as they were, but he’s not.
He wasn’t a man who was all about possessions, but you can’t reach a certain age without collecting a certain amount of stuff. It makes me happy to see his stuff, it breaks my heart to see his stuff. It’s just sitting there waiting for him.
This morning my mom sent me a poem that described very well how I feel:
The Sadness of Clothes
Emily Fragos
When someone dies, the clothes are so sad. They have outlived their usefulness and cannot get warm and full.
You talk to the clothes and explain that he is not coming back as when he showed up immaculately dressed in slacks and plaid jacket and had that beautiful smile on and you’d talk.
You’d go to get something and come back and he’d be gone.
You explain death to the clothes like that dream.
You tell them how much you miss the spouse and how much you miss the pet with its little winter sweater.
You tell the worn raincoat that if you talk about it, you will finally let grief out.
The ancients etched the words for battle and victory onto their shields and then they went out and fought to the last breath.
Words have that kind of power you remind the clothes that remain in the drawer, arms stubbornly folded across the chest, or slung across the backs of chairs,or hanging inside the dark closet.
Do with us what you will,they faintly sigh, as you close the door on them.
He is gone and no one can tell us where.
I know they’re just things, but they’re his things and besides memories that’s all we have now. It’s why I love the room and hate that room. So many emotions in there.
Happiness moment was racing around the yard this afternoon with Jacob watching a tornado drop in and out of the sky. This only ended up being a happiness moment of course because it passed us by. But as soon as we knew we were safe, we had fun watching the storm clouds. This was followed by a trip to town with my cousin for ice cream. Mmmmmm
Yesterday I had the rare occasion of driving alone. I used to love driving alone – music up, hair blowing, no yapping voices… now I cry when I drive alone. I started my cry/driving after we moved back home and Dad was so sick. I would take the kids into school and then cry/drive all the way home. Then cry/drive back to school to get them. I thought I was over it, but it seems as though the reality is simply that I haven’t had a moment in the car by myself.
I cry/drove most of the way home last evening. Thinking about Dad, about how completely unfair it seems that we finally move back and now he’s gone. About how guilty I feel that we lost all those years. So, I drove and I cried.
Then I came over Edge’s hill. As soon as I come over their hill I see home. The ranch, the barn, the homes – the places where my little footprints have been pitter pattering since the beginning of my time. I felt a rush of happiness – of joy. I realized then that even with all my sorrow and grief I am happy.
That may not sound like the huge freaking deal that it is – but I’ve spent years being unhappy, being scared and being anxious. And now I’m HAPPY. I’m sad about Dad, I’m nervous for the future – but I’M HAPPY and that is a huge gift.
Jenna and I went to Banff today for Fondue at the Grizzly House. Cheese Fondue followed by Fruit with Toblerone Chocolate Fondue. If you want to know what happiness tastes like, it tastes a lot like this: 
In our family tradition (started by my Dad) of not drinking from the bowl, Jenna finished off the last of the chocolate fondue in style:
Happiness also looks like this:
This however, is what Anger looks like. We have had two gifts this summer. One was the movie Inside Out, and the other one is that there are hardly any mosquitos (again, sounds like not a big deal but huge deal).
Inside out has given us the platform to feel out our emotions.
Jenna and I were heading out of Banff, Abba blasting out of the car stereo (this seems to be our road trip music), when I heard Let go of my anger!!! Grrrrrrrrrr!!!
Not sure what she was talking about, I looked beside me to see her trying to rip Anger out of his packaging. Apparently Anger makes her Angry. Even better, Anger only was purchased because Joy was sold out and that made her Angry.
We talked about different emotion balls and how one emotion can affect another.
A day with my girl. My happiness moment. Remembering that I am happy and that it’s ok to let go of my fears and anxiety will have a huge impact on how I live the rest of my life.
This afternoon we went out for a family walk. Forced family fun time with my monsters, my sister and her kids, and my mom. As we were getting ready my cousin texted saying the Snowbirds were about to buzz our house. They were at the air show in Springbank and could see them heading for our place. We dashed outside and had an awesome private show
This was taken on my iPhone – it was much more impressive. I’m amazed at how they hold their formation. 
I mentioned to my sister after that if you were into planes it was the equivalent of us wanting to ride in the RCMP musical ride. I have a friend who did this – what a dream job.
It was a happiness moment to stop and watch the planes dance past us over and over. Time was suspended and there was just us and the sky show.
Before we went out walking we were talking about how every day without Dad just gets harder and harder. Doing all the things we used to do with him now without him is so difficult. But he loved life and loved us and I know he wants us to keep on finding happiness, so I will keep looking for it every single day.
Happiness moment today was hanging out at the creek with kids and cousins and dogs. It was hot and sunny and beautiful. We are so blessed we have the most beautiful place on earth to enjoy.
In case you were wondering what the happiest dog in the world looks like, this is it. Dottie went to the creek for the first time ever today. She thought it was possibly the most awesome thing she has ever done.
This place makes my soul shine. I am thankful every second that we are here and able to enjoy it.
Today’s happiness moment: sitting with Jacob while he ate his chicken noodle soup tonight. He says you know what I miss about grandpa? His chin chopper and his rules: no drinking from the bowl, no talking to the water. Then he looked at me, grabbed his bowl and took a big gulp of soup right from it. He looked around with a smirk and said do you think grandpa saw that?
Missing Dad does not seem to be going away, if anything it gets more intense, but I love that we have these warm memories to share with each other.
Earlier this evening I had the unexpected pleasure of being alone in the house. I celebrated by happily enjoying a big ole piece of chocolate cake in front of the TV. Because sometimes such things need to be done.
Suddenly the house felt like it was lifted up off it’s foundation and then dropped and shaken side to side all the while being completely lit up. Thunder and lightening hitting at exactly the same time. I could feel it right in my heart. I rolled off the couch onto the floor shaking, Ella’s eyes were bugged right out of her head and she was literally climbing the walls screeching rawwwwarrrrr over and over, Dottie was running wildly around the room whining so loud it was like a scream.
I was lying there thinking what do I do? I’m going to die, what can I do? Oh right – Grandma would be furious with me for being so stupid as to have the TV on. I managed to turn it off and then looked outside to check the buildings. My cousin’s house was ok as was the barn and the other buildings. I tried mom but she was not answering. It was pouring rain by then so I didn’t run outside. The kids called from up at my cousin’s to say they were ok – shaken but ok. So I figured we were fine.
Fortunately a neighbor was driving by because the lightning struck a fence post at the end of the yard. In the opposite direction of where I had been looking naturally. I was looking at buildings and tall trees – it decided to hit the fence post. The neighbor came in and started putting out the fire. At the same time my cousin was coming home and saw the smoke. So it was the CL fire truck and fire fighters to the rescue.
See that person in brown holding the hose? Same cousin I wrote about a few days ago who carried herself so elegantly at the Stampede. If I’m ever in crisis this is a person I want in my corner.
The CL fire truck.
My happiness moment today: the kids and I went and saw Minions. It was funny but no where near as good as Inside Out. Obviously I’m not used to going to movies in Calgary. The theaters were always almost empty in Roanoke, and they’re also pretty quiet in Cochrane. We walked into the theatre in Crowfoot a half hour before it started (very unusual for us. We usually arrive when they’re playing the commercials) and the only spots left were front row. We sat down in front and I looked back for Jacob – he had plunked down in a solo seat half way down – and a lady about a third of the way up started beckoning to me. She was there alone with four kids – bless her- and she pulled her kids up onto one row – so the 5 of them were sharing 3 seats- and gave us her other seats. I thanked her and we chatted a bit. She was from Cochrane and was waiting out the storm before driving home. This was the afternoon storm, not our electric explosion.
I realize I get caught up sometimes by the jerk that cuts me off, the person who speaks rudely to me, or any number of other wrongs that can happen. But the world is full of wonderful, kind people and I am so much better to focus on them. Random acts of kindness are like rays of sunshine on a dark day and I’m grateful I got to experience one today. Happiness on a thunder storm day!
Happiness moment today was being in the mountains with my monsters and my mom. Being surrounded by the mountains hugs my soul and makes everything feel just a bit better. It rained a bit while we were there, which gave us the most brilliant rainbow as we drove out of the park.
The kids with their candy loot from the candy store and Jenna’s toy.
Added bonus was taking them to see the merman. They were less impressed than I’d hoped but I still think he’s cool.
Last night the kids, mom, and I went to see the movie Inside Out. It was an excellent movie – but while I knew it was a movie about emotions I didn’t realize it would unleash a tornado of our own emotions.
Jacob and I drove home after the movie and he had an emotion explosion. It included a few things, but high up there was his sadness at losing his grandpa. I pulled the car over and gave him a big hug and held him while I listened to him vent out his feelings. I had already vented out my feelings in the darkness of the theatre. Good thing I’m getting used to this public crying thing. Sigh.
The really great thing about this movie is that it opened the door for us to talk more about feelings.
Jacob and I had to go into town to do some errands today and on the way in he said well, anger and sadness really got away from me yesterday. It was like anger was pushing things full throttle while sadness was touching all my memories and making them sad. I think fear was hiding over in the corner crapping his pants.
I really appreciated how the movie showed that sadness could touch happy memories and make them sad. We sure feel that way about the memories of my Dad. I’ll remember something fun we did and for a moment I’m happy and then I remember Dad is gone and my memory becomes sad. Jacob said he felt the same way. It was good to know also that sadness was an important emotion in working things through.
My favorite part was when the teenage boy saw the girl and all his emotions freaked out shouting girl girl girl
We went to the mall before going to the Farmer’s Market and he saw his emotions there:
Look mom, here’s my anger and sadness. 
My happiness moment was at the Market. There was a guy there with remote control cars and Jacob and I raced each other and giggled and played together. The guy gave us extra time so we had almost a half hour to laugh and enjoy doing something together. A rich happiness moment.
