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Rebel Yell

I finished off Stampede Week by eating an entire bag of Those Little Donuts. I’m not kidding and I’m not proud of it (I’m a little proud actually). After serious testing over the years I can tell you that they’re the best mini donuts in the park – probably because they make them as you order them. And we ordered a lot last night. A bag for everyone and then it was fight to the death to hold onto yours. I lost one of my donuts to Jenna because I wasn’t paying  enough attention, but after that I held my bag closer. A very non-Ayurvedic meal, but a fun one nonetheless. 

But now that Stampde is over I need to get back to a better routine. Who am I kidding? I’ve been in a bad eating routine since we moved back. Better than it could have been, but I most certainly dealt with Dad’s illness and death by eating every piece of cake I could get my hands on. 

Now is the time to change that. I want to have lots of happy and healthy years ahead of me, and I know the best way to do that is to honour my body and soul. 

I haven’t gone out walking since Dad died – not because of Dad, but because of all the grizzly bears in the area. Anyone who tells you they’re all disappearing doesn’t live where I do, that’s for sure. On my walking path there was a mama and her triplets and then a few days later a male. I became bear-a-noid and did my working out on the elliptical at home. Fine, but not nearly as good for my body and soul. 

Today, bears be dammed, my Dotted Dog and I headed out for a walk/jog. I’m not a runner, but I’ve done the couch to 5K program a few times and liked/hated it. I don’t mind small runs when I’m in shape – no desire for long distance ones. I put some music on my phone – music from a time when I was younger and felt strong and powerful – and headed off. 

  
As I was jogging along singing loudly to Rebel Yell (which I knew would have the added benefit of scaring away any wildlife – unless they thought I was dying and therefore easy prey), I realized that was exactly what I am starting to do – finding my own rebel yell. Three years ago my body and soul were both broken. I had finally realized that unlike Sleeping Beauty, my Prince Charming was not going to rescue me and that I had better wake my own self up. And that I have. Sometimes I feel weak and not good enough, and then I remind myself of how far I’ve come. Three years ago I couldn’t walk across the room without being in unbearable pain. Now I run around, ride horses, garden, play with the kids, go walking, and do yoga – all impossible things three years ago. Thank goodness I decided to become my own hero. In doing that I also showed the kids they can become their own heros too. 

I think this building a better me is part of why I love living in this old house we live in so much. I can relate to this place. This house has been neglected and was empty, but it is deeply loved by the entire (extended) family. We are pouring life and love back into it. Good things come from this house. 

My happiness moment was Jacob lying with his huge teenage body on the couch. He looked at me as I walked by and said mom, please don’t tickle me. Which of course meant I sat right on top of him pinning him down and counted all his ribs. When he laughs like that he’s just like little Jacob of his younger days. The dog got so upset that he was getting all the attention she jumped on top of him as well – which worked out for me as I was able to tickle him better. Small happiness moments – what life is really made up of. Although our big happiness moments are pretty awesome too. 

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The roar of a Sunday crowd 

We were fortunate enough to have tickets to the rodeo finals this afternoon at the Stampede. I haven’t been to a rodeo in ages, the Stampede rodeo in longer, and possibly never to the finals (or I was a little kid and can’t remember – we used to go a lot when I was younger).

Going as an adult and as a parent was totally different, and here’s my take on it….. I loved it. I thought I would enjoy it, but even I was amazed at how totally into it I got. I was just kind of enthusiastic until the barrel racing started and then if I could have gone down to the track and raced myself I would have. I think I’ve found what I want to be when I grow up. A barrel racer. All the excitement of show jumping but without the jumps. I was enthralled. I turned into a screaming lunatic and it lasted the rest of the afternoon. It was so much fun. 

My happiness moment: cheering loudly as they raced around the barrels.  

I looked over to see how Jacob was enjoying himself and was delighted to see this:

  

Sitting with his uncle whom he adores and admires. As a huge bonus, my uncle knows all things rodeo and Stampede and is a great person for Jacob to learn from. It was a happy moment. 

I also had a moment of awareness – again – I have this one  every so often but I was reminded of it again while we were walking the midway. I have a female cousin who is a rancher, a cowgirl, and a lady. Watching the dignified way she walks through the crowd while dressed up on her fancy western gear is inspiring. She is truly the definition of a lady rancher. She shows how classy and respectable one can and should look while dressed in western attire. She is an admirable example to all of us of the grace and self respect we should all have as women. I am proud to call her cousin. 

It was a day filled with big happiness moments and I will treasure them for a long time. It was fun to spend the day with family and it was important to be reminded of our heritage and our roots, it was good for the kids to have that deeper sense of where they come from. 

Yahoo!! 

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Chucks and the Grandstand Show

 Today was a big happiness moment. My uncle treated my Mom and I to the grandstand show at the Stampede tonight. 

We did the fun family tradition of betting on the chuckwagons – I actually did better than I thought I would have. 

Out family has a long history with the Stampede and it was wonderful to get to be a part of that. And now since it it 1am I am happily off to bed so I can wake up early and take my kids to the grounds tomorrow. Happiness 

 

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Wind up party 

The monsters finished their week of VBS. I have to say I’m exhausted and all I did was drive back and forth. We have been on summer time for two weeks now and I feel like I haven’t even had a chance to catch my breath. Family parties, summer sunshine until 11pm, stampede week – it’s busy here.  Good busy though. So nice to be not lonely all the time. 

Happiness moment was sitting at Cochrane Ranche tonight with my mom while the kids ran around with friends at the VBS wind up party. Nice to see them settling in and making their own tribe of friends. So important to have a place where you can grow roots. 

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New to the area. 

We have moved many times in the last 10 years and every time it’s been a struggle to meet new friends and develop some sort of feeling of belonging. For sure some places were easier than others, but in every case it was about two years before we felt like we were beginning to have some kind of sense of having a life there. Interestingly, in Quebec it happened faster and in Virginia it was  much slower. 

This move home is different from the other moves in that, well, it is home. But still we have been gone 10 years. I am lucky because I have family here and all my childhood friends. For the kids, it’s a little tougher. They’re still the new kids even though they see people they know all the time and have a strong sense of belonging. 

Today Jenna went to a birthday party and I was at the door talking to the mom. She leads Jenna’s VBS group so I’d chatted with her before but never really had a conversation. She welcomed Jenna in and after talking to me for a couple of minutes said she’d love to go out for coffee with me sometime because she knows what it’s like to be new in town and how difficult it is to meet people. I explained to her that this was our move home to where we belonged and that we had family and friends around, but that I would love to get together with her and get to know her better. She’s a horse person so you know it’s a friendship made in heaven.  

I was thinking after though, what an act of kindness. Having moved to an area where we were not welcomed at all and where no effort was made to get to know us (the onus in this area was on us to constantly be the ones reaching out), how lovely to have someone reach out because they know the feeling of being new. 

That was my happiness moment for the day. An act of kindness by hopefully a soon to be friend. 

This happiness moment was followed up by taking Jacob out for gelato and running into my cousin sitting kicking a fine with her kids. Impromptu visit. Awesome. And yes, we also went to Mackay’s for ice cream yesterday. It’s summer and 30C out. It was heart happy. 

Jacob told me on the way home how he feels so grounded and safe here. We all need to be safe and secure. 

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Jammin’ and the creek. 

I’m noticing that some of my happiness moments are also moments of sadness these days. The happiness outshines the sadness, but there is this bittersweet feeling that comes along with it. 

For example, today I had two happiness moments. I had bought flats of fruit yesterday. Blackberries (the best I’ve had in years), blueberries, strawberries, and cherries. So, today I had to deal with them. Dad always made the best freezer jam, my favorite being strawberry. He showed me how to make it, and I’ve made a few batches over the years. I’d kind of given up recently as it seemed every time I made a nice batch we would move and I’d have to give it all away. Last year I made what would end up being my last batch of jam with Dad while we were home for the summer. Today’s jam making was a happiness moment because I love jam and I love the memories of making jam with Dad. It was sad because it made me miss him oh so much. 

Since I was missing him, I kept on going down my emotional berry journey and made a blackberry pie. When my sister and I  were kids and we would go to Vancouver Island, Dad would go blackberry crazy and we would be out in ditches with buckets picking away. We then had to drive all the way back to Calgary with flats of blackberries in the back of the car (a 12 hour drive). One of the smells of my childhood is blackberries. Blackberries and horses…

  
It was over 30C here today. My car said 37C while I was driving around town. Hot hot hot. After we were done errands, I took the kids down to the creek. One of the best places on earth. 

  
Another happiness moment. One of the best summer moments is at the creek. We are so blessed that we can head down there when we want to cool down or just relax and enjoy the beauty. I have so many memories of being down at this spot. I used to ride my horse down there when I was a kid. Dad would take us swimming there, in the winter we’d skate down the creek. One of Dad’s favorite walking places is the ridge above, and we used to go look at wild flowers along the buffalo jumps. The last thing we did last summer before flying back to Virginia was go to the creek with Dad. I’m so grateful we had those creek moments last year. Again, bittersweet because it kicked me in the gut and made me miss him so. 

The kids were happily running towards the water while I stood there and bawled behind my sunglasses. 

But, the happiness outweighs the sadness. I’m thankful for all the fun memories and thankful we are still able to enjoy happiness. Dad embraced life so completely , I knew he spoke be happy to know that we were enjoying happiness moments that reminded me of him. 

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The Red Tent 

Today was a Red Tent kind of day. After Dad’s funeral, lifelong family friends came up to me and said that we needed to get together, all of us girls, and have a Red Tent moment. A time where we would join together in our sisterhood in a safe and comfortable conversation. These two ladies lost their mother a couple of months before we lost Dad, so we are all on the same journey.

I was thinking on my way to meet them today how interesting our family relationship is. These two families who have been so intertwined through the years. I can’t remember not knowing them, and they can’t remember not knowing our family. 

Dad was their go-to person when they had an issue they didn’t know how to deal with. They talk about Dad with mad respect, and I have always had mad respect for these two entrepreneurs who are also strong and kind women. 

But, mostly when we sat down today and talked it was just three ladies laughing and catching up on each others’ lives. We hadn’t really visited in years, yet because of our shared history, instead of it being awkward we ended up not wanting to leave and needing more time. 

There was a statement made by one of them near the beginning of our visit that this was a safe place and that we should be able to share anything we wanted with each other. What a great friendship rule! I said that in the last few years I’ve realized that I need to really work on surrounding myself with a good tribe of women friends. You should always be safe with your good friends. In that moment I felt so blessed to have these two friends re-enter my life. 

I lived on that friendship high all day, then tonight got to ride it a bit higher as we joined together to celebrate my cousin’s birthday. More strong and safe friendships, more laughs, more reasons to be grateful. 

My happiness moment today was the celebration of my women friends. Those who are family and those who feel like family. Having that tribe is so important for me – it holds me and makes me stronger. 

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VBS friend 

My happiness moment today was at the kids’ VBS. I dropped Jenna off with her older cousin and she wasn’t there 3 minutes before one of her friends from school showed up. Neither girl knew the other would be there, but what a nice surprise. Happiness in the fact that already when she goes places she has people she knows and isn’t the new kid. It’s good to be home. 

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Stampede breakfast at the Hall

Every year our community hall throws a stampede breakfast and all the neighbours (most of whom are related) come out and have a long overdue visit. The kids and I have been fortunate enough the last two years to have been able to attend this community function. 

Communities aren’t the same as they used to be, or maybe it’s that we have been the new people in so many communities over the past few years that we missed the sense of belonging. But in this community, our community, most of the families have been here forever (which in Alberta terms is just over a hundred years). So, even when there are faces I don’t recognize, I can still figure out who they are by asking a couple of questions. 

I had some lovely visits with family and neighbours today. I feel like some of these people I wait a whole year to see at the breakfasts. Sad since we now live so close (hopefully this changes and I will see them more often) but it shows how important these community events are because we need to see each other.

My happiness moment today was when my Mom arrived at the Hall. She came a little later than we did, so I was already sitting at a table when she came in. I was in a position that I could see not only her, but the expressions of people around her. The smiles and love and warmth that radiated out of the family and neighbours as they watched her come in was overwhelming. This community of tough and strong ranchers also has so much tender love to give. The love and support on their faces as they welcomed her into the crowd is exactly why we need to be around our tribes. 

I had a bonus happiness moment today. My cousin and her family from the Yukon came over for a visit this afternoon. I haven’t seen her since 2007 and I’d never met her kids.  I love the family tie that can bind you together even when years and time may keep you apart. 

We went out for a walk and I saw my favourite flower, the wood lily 

   
The lily on the right is actually a conjoined twin flower. There are two complete lillies on one stem. I’ve never seen anything like that. Pretty cool. 

 

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In the midst of a storm. 

We scattered Dad’s ashes today. We have some saved for one more area, but most of them went in his most beloved places around the ranch. 

How blessed Dad was that he had so many favourite spots all so close to his house. We live in a beautiful area and I have a lifetime of memories of walking over a hill or just glancing west and saying look at that view. Isn’t it amazing here?  

He’d told us a few places he wanted to be scattered and today we went out and tried to honour his wishes. 

Of course after days of 30C weather and a beautiful, sunny day; when we went out there were storm clouds blowing all around us and thunder crashing to the north and the west. But, in the midst of the storm where we stood together it was calm enough to do what we needed. 

There in the midst of the storm we quietly and lovingly said our prayers and sang our goodbyes and sent out our love to Dad. 

How lucky we are that we have each other. Blessed that we had Dad, blessed to have each other to walk through this with, blessed to have this beautiful area to walk our goodbye. I’m not doing so well with the goodbyes, but I’m  thankful I have these people to do the goodbyes with. The love and the shared memories will bind us together. 

I was thinking as we were doing this that its no wonder I and millions of people before me have stopped and dedicated life to figuring out the meaning of life, why are we here? Where do we go? What becomes of us? Because if all we are is just reduced to those ashes then it’s hard to see the point of it all. 

I am grateful for my faith because I believe that there is something after life. The curious and impatient human part of me would really appreciate knowing what that is. Again, a time when being able to call Dad up on the heaven phone would be useful. He could answer all those questions for me.  Is he still Dad and watching over us? Does he still know he’s Dad? Does he remember life here? 

Those are my questions, but I think I would also like to know for him – is he happy? Am I on the right path to discovering my spiritual truth? Was it scary? 

At the end of the day, for me, it all just comes back to faith. I have to believe that Dad is more than those ashes. That the part of Dad that made him Dad is still an energy being somehow and somewhere. Something that shines as brightly as Dad’s soul did can’t just cease to exist. 

The happiness moment was celebrating Dad’s life and remembering walking and talking with him in the areas we chose today. I miss him so deeply but I’m so thankful to have known him and to have had his unconditional love and strong guidance. 

One of Dad’s favourite places along the ridge. We walked there together many times.   

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