The more I’ve been sitting with the realization that I now suddenly have to become responsible for the financial care of myself and my kids (as well as all the emotional and physical care) the more I’ve realized that now is the time to really make some big changes in my life. I’ve supported someones else’s dreams for over a decade and a half. Now it’s time that I get to follow my own.
So what are my dreams? I got so used to having to squish my dreams down I forgot for a long time what it felt like to have them.
The bliss that I find from not only studying Ayurveda, but from writing this blog has made such a huge difference in my life. I think of where I was 3 years ago when I first started studying. I was so anxious and unhappy I could barely function. The changes that have happened in the year since I started writing this blog have made my life unrecognizable from where it was when I began. I not only seek happiness but now I embrace and know I deserve it. That has been a lifesaver and a game changer. It meant that I could no longer allow myself to be mistreated.
No matter where this road takes me, I know I’m in a better and more aligned space than I likely have ever been. All of these heartaches and attacks on my soul have lead me to really search deeply in my being and find out what makes me tick, what makes me happy, what makes my spirit sing. I have started to ask the question what is really important in my life? The short answer is love and happiness. I want to live a life that is filled with giving and receiving love and happiness. The more I have myself the more I have to give. And I’m understanding how very important it is to fill up my own cup so that my abundance can flow over to those around me.
Love does not depend on how you behave, what you look like, or what you wear. I think of the love I have for my kids and there is nothing they could ever do that would make me stop loving them. For so long I was trained that if I didn’t behave in a certain way I was unworthy – which basically led to me self-destructing. Feeling unloved and unworthy (and being told on a regular basis that I was such) was the most painful thing that ever has happened to me.
And now I’m in a space where I can embrace love and happiness. It may take me a while to fully walk into the understanding that my life now has value, but I’m on my way.
This course today had us doing some beautiful exercises that challenged me to think of what I want in my future, what changes I want to bring into my life. Being able to look ahead at my future with joy and anticipation, that is my happiness moment today.