Tag Archives: birthday

happiness

I’m on my way

I live my life through theme songs. The one that has been showing up for me lately is The Proclaimers I’m on my way. It sums up how this past year of mindfully walking my path towards happiness has been. I’m on my way from misery to happiness today (uh -huh uh-huh u-huh uh-huh yeah). I may not be at my final destination of bliss, but I’m on my way. I’m a lot farther down the path than I was a year ago.

I had a moment of gratitude for my life as I was driving home from the school drop off this morning. I am so happy to be living back in the fold of my family and my tribe.

the view on my morning commute today

God blessed me with a spring like day today. It was 10C for most of the day, and even though it was a Chinook, it wasn’t that windy where we are. I got to celebrate my birthday in the sun and with loved ones surrounding me.

Jenna asked me what my happiness moment today was and I was trying to describe how I felt about the day to her. She said so, what I’m hearing from you mommy is that you’re happy because you have so many people around who love you and are kind to you and make you feel happy and safe. That pretty much sums it up. My happiness moment is just that. I have attracted an awesome tribe that surrounds and supports me from both near and afar (I love my birthday on Facebook. It’s always so heart warming to receive all the happy birthday wishes from friends and family whom I’m not able to see in person).

My people also have a great sense of humour. This card from my cousin created laughter that came right from the belly. I am so incredibly thankful for the people I have in my life that hold me up and make me laugh.

My thought as I move into this new year is that I’m on my way. I’m really such a better version of myself. I’m happier, I’m more capable of dealing with life’s ups and downs, I’m safe and secure surrounded by an awesome tribe of people.  All of that makes me more able to share love and kindness – to create safety and peace for those around me.

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And so the sun sets on this year 

Tonight is my personal New Year’s Eve as I finish off another trip around the sun. A year ago tomorrow I began my journey to happiness with this blog. When I go back to the early days of my happiness journey I am struck by how much things have changed. I was so desperately seeking happiness, but I was so lonely and afraid and unhappy. Now I am surrounded by loved ones, less afraid, and so much happier. I love my life being back home, grounded into our roots, secure in the love of our family and friends.

There has been much joy over the past year, reuniting with old friends, strengthening bonds with family, walking happily out in the fields at the ranch, and living in a place that makes my soul feel complete. There has also been a lot of sorrow, losing my dad, and learning to let go and surrender (still working on that one).

Through it all, I am filled with immense gratitude. I have a blessed life and I am surrounded by wonderful and loving people.

I had three happiness moments today. First I heard Jacob describe his day of snowboarding at Nakiska with his school. It was his first time on the slopes and it seems to have been a resounding success. Secondly, my nephew had his surgery and is back home recovering. Thirdly, I had some wonderful visits with family that made me feel strengthened and loved. I am so thankful for my tribe.

 

 

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Our beautiful Jenna

When you smile I can see

how beautiful life is

The sweetness of your laughter

brings joy to everyone around you

You show the world your beautiful sparkle

and it makes light in the darkness 

To think I was trusted to care for such a miracle,

What an incredible gift

There is nothing more beautiful than watching you 

grow into the amazing human you were intended to be

My wish for you as you continue to grow

is that you always remember you are a perfect child of God

and that you are deeply loved


 

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Tea and a birthday party

The day started off with a beautiful drive in the cold, bright morning air. I was glad I was inside my car. Somehow I thought it was about -5c but turns out it was more like -22c. That made it chilly, but oh so beautiful. There was something really peaceful about the time I spent on my morning errands.

The beauty of my morning drive.    
  
This afternoon we had one of those wonderful Christmas break moments where family stopped by for a visit. An aunt and uncle, and another uncle came by and we had tea and left over Christmas baking. Well, I passed on the baking (I may have overindulged already), but I sat and had a delightful cup of tea. I gave up caffeine about 4 years ago, and that has done wonders for my anxiety. But every once in a while I wistfully think of how delightful a nice cup of real tea would be.

Today I made a pot of Murchie’s 2000 blend and I just couldn’t resist, I love their tea. I drank my cup and it was so good! It made me feel happy right down to my toes. Even the caffeine didn’t seem to have much affect on me. Not that that means that I’m in a big rush to start drinking it again. I dedicated my life to pushing panic attacks to the side, and I’ve done a pretty good job of that. I’m in no rush to bring something in that could cause anxiety. But, that one cup was so good! A little happiness moment for myself.

We had a nice visit with the family. I often see my one uncle in the grocery store and we get a little chance to catch up, but to be able to sit down and really visit is an entirely different thing. It’s so nice to be here where there is family to visit with and share our time together.

Jenna and my niece have birthdays coming up very soon so we had our annual the girls are together birthday party and enjoyed a really nice family supper. Naturally followed by present opening and ice cream, because heck – it was a party. I feel so blessed that we can share in these family occasions and be relaxed about it. Usually this birthday celebration is accompanied by tears as we are packing suitcases and preparing to leave the next day. Not this year! I am so thankful that we are here and we don’t have to prepare to say goodbye to loved ones. It lightens the heart considerably.

The peaceful drive, the tea visits, and the girl birthday party. My happiness moments for the day.

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Happy birthday Dad 

Today would have been Dad’s 75th birthday. I haven’t been home to celebrate a birthday with him since he turned 64, and now that I’m here, he’s not. Sigh. Because we celebrated the last 10 birthdays with him over the phone or on Facetime, I wasn’t sure how acutely I would feel him missing here today – that is anymore than any other day. Sometimes my brain convinces my heart that he’s just gone on a trip for a while and I’ll be seeing him soon. Denial, it’s a difficult cloak of protection.

Turns out I miss him quite a lot.

Dad loved going for walks. He was always trying to get someone to go outside and do something with him – walking, skiing, swimming – he just wanted to be outside. Today I wanted to honour his memory by walking along the ridge by our house – one of his favourite places to be. It’s actually one of the spots where we scattered his ashes, and a place where I haven’t been strong enough to walk along since.

Today I knew I needed to walk there. To go to the place that Dad loved so much and where he found so much peace.

I stood at the spot where we had scattered his ashes. I cried for a long time. Thank goodness it’s a beautiful, warm November day or my tears would have frozen on my face and that would have made a sad situation an awkward one as well. I stood and cried and looked out at the view and just let all my emotions flow. It was both really hard and really easy. I had a lot of clarity come to me in those minutes I stood there thanking Dad for all that he had given to me.

Dad was always so good about making sure that I knew that he loved me no matter what. I never had to worry that I would ever do something that would make his love for me falter in any way. As I go through life and realize that so much of what is called love is conditional it gives me an even greater appreciation for this pure and true emotion of love. What a gift to have, what a gift to give.

I stood there and thanked God for the beautiful place we live in. Dad wanted to spend eternity in the spots he loved so deeply and being there brought me such peace and comfort.

the view along the ridge where we scattered the ashes

I walked for a while with my Dotted Dog and her Naughty Puppy Friend before getting a text from Jacob that he was on his way. He walked up and joined us and we walked the rest of the ridge together.

It was so calm and warm. It felt beautiful to have the sun shine its healing rays on us while we walked and laughed over memories of Dad. The kids miss him so deeply, he was such an important force in their lives. 

Last year at Christmas Dad and I walked the ridge and for some reason decided to stop and take our first ever (and what ended up being our only) selfie. It was the last walk I took with Dad, even though I didn’t know that at the time. We had such a deep, spiritual conversation – I’m so thankful we had the time for those kinds of moments.

omg it was so cold that day

Jacob and I stopped at the same place today and took our own selfie in memory of Dad. I think he would have really liked that we were out there together remembering him. 

After I was back home, I was sitting at the table with Jenna talking about Dad. She leaned over and petted my arm and said “I bet you really miss him today”. Then she said “If it makes you feel any better, while you were out on your walk I went up to my bedroom and sang him happy birthday” and then she burst into tears. So, we sat at the table and cried for a little while. Then we found a video that she and I had made last year on his birthday wishing him a happy day. We cried some more. We did manage to keep talking through our memories until we found some that made us feel better. There are lots of good memories.

I’m pretty lucky because I had a Dad who loved life and loved to pull us into it at full force. Even when I’m sure he wasn’t interested in what I was doing he was always there to listen to me and to talk about things or to watch me do things (the hours that man spent at the side of a riding ring watching me go round and round on my horse. Both my parents spent ages in the heat or (usually) the cold watching me ride).

I work hard at continuing to walk through my grief. I miss him like crazy, but I know he would want us to jump into life with everything we have, without fear. I don’t want to deaden my emotions, I want to feel them deeply and breathe through the tough ones. If I don’t feel the sad emotions, I also won’t feel the joyful emotions. I am on this happiness journey and Dad has been a big part of that. I find happiness in new experiences and I find happiness in memories. As proof of that, my happiness moment today included remembering all the love and fun times shared with Dad, and also experiencing fun times with Jacob (and those crazy dogs) on our walk. There is more tearful happiness to come tonight as my sister and her family join us for a family supper at home.

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Birthday time 

Today we celebrated my Mom’s birthday. I won’t tell you the number but it was a big one. In the past 11 years we have only been with her for one other birthday celebration, so it was wonderful to get to actually be in person with her on her special day. 

My Mom has taught me so many lessons about life. She’s taught me how to love; fiercely and unconditionally. She’s shown us her love through all our trials and tribulations. She’s taught me to love even when that seems like a difficult thing to do.

She’s taught me about strength. She’s shown me that it’s possible to beat the odds time and time again. She’s a living example that just because people tell you  that something  can’t be done does not mean that has to become your own personal  truth. She’s shown me that you can have tragedies happen and you can still keep moving ahead and achieve greatness and happiness. 

She’s now also Nana and is playing a huge role in the lives of my kids. I always say it’s important to have grandparents because it gives the kids that buffer between generations. It warms my heart that my kids can run over to her place any time they want for a visit. 

I’m so thankful that she’s my mom. She’s my mentor and my friend as well and she’s shown me how to be a better person. 

My happiness moment today was being with her on her birthday. Lucky me!!

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Family time. 

Today we celebrated Mom’s birthday with a family lunch. All of these firsts after Dad died are met with a little apprehension and sadness, but with a house full of family it felt like old times today. 

One of our struggles at a regular family meal is who has to sit in Dad’s chair at the table. It’s a mad rush by everyone to fill the other seats so no one has to sit in his place and be the reminder that he isn’t here. Today my uncle took one for the team and sat at the head of the table. It felt right. It was really nice to have all the seats filled and to have Dad’s filled with uncle dad. 

It’s important to keep the house and our lives filled with family, laughter, love, and happiness. It’s what will help us move ahead and find peace in our souls. 

I’m so grateful for the support and love we have here in our family. I believe Dad was here with us in spirit, happily watching us celebrate the birthday of his soulmate. 

My happiness moment today. Celebrating with family Mom’s birthday, being thankful for mom and all the light she shines into our lives. 

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Bored outta my mind 

Since having kids I have spent hundreds of hours sitting and waiting for them while they’re participating in one activity or another. If this sounds like complaining, it’s not. My mom spent probably thousands of hours driving and sitting while she watched me swim, skate, play tennis and badminton, and by far the biggest time vacuum – horseback riding (which included brutally early mornings and brutally cold weather a great deal of the time). Sitting and watching my kids is my gift to pass down to the next generation. 

But, more than that, I really enjoy doing things with my kids and I love watching them have fun. I think one of my favourite kinds of happiness isn’t one that’s centered around my own happiness, but the kind of happiness that comes from knowing I facilitated happiness in someone I love. 

Today we celebrated Jacob’s birthday. He and Jenna went with their two cousins (aka partners in crime) to Shakers – which is a family fun centre. They spent the day go karting, rock climbing, playing laser tag and messing about in the arcade. They laughed, ran, giggled, sweat, and everything in between.  I sat and watched them and read my kindle. We were there over 5 hours. By the 3rd hour I had hit boredom, but I was so happy watching them have fun that it didn’t matter. The happiness I felt giving them the gift of the joy they were experiencing was so uplifting and gratifying. I love my little monsters and they have brought me so much love that whatever I can give back I am happy to do so. I am so grateful for the time I have to share with them. 

Today’s happiness moment. Listening to those four kids laugh and watching them run and have fun with each other. That’s what it’s all about. 

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New year, old friends 

 Today my baby turned 14. Considering the fact that I’m still having trouble adjusting to the fact that I may actually be an adult it amazes me that I have a kid who is 14. Old enough here in Alberta to have his learners license. He went and took the test and even though he’s studied hard he will need to go back and write it again. 

Last night Jenna was so excited that her brother was turning 14 she stayed up late and crafted him some birthday decorations. 

  

His dad called first thing this morning and we were all able to participate as he opened his presents. He was surprised with some new headphones. You know, the kind of things that are important at 14. Who am I kidding? I’d be happy with these headphones at 44. 

As a wonderful birthday bonus he was able to run across the yard to Nana’s house and see her first thing in the morning. Of course it made me miss Dad even more, but I hope he was watching down and smiling today as Jacob takes one more leap towards becoming a wonderful and kind man. 

  

After attempting his drivers license we went to see his Grandma for some birthday hugs and to pick up his present. How grateful we are to be back around our people. Then zipped back home for sushi with Nana 

  

After supper we were joined by a cousin for cake. Because having a friend makes any occasion more fun. 

Celebrating this day with Jacob was a happiness moment without a doubt, but I had a completely different happiness moment as well today. This morning I met up with an old friend for tea and a visit. I’ve known her ever since I was little; little enough that I don’t remember meeting her. We did Pony Club together for years and years. Then we hit our party girl years (oh my) at the same time, in a small town, so we ran together then too. But it’s been at least 25 years since we’ve seen each other. We’ve both grown up (kind of) and are married with kids, which we both found hysterical. 

The excellent thing was that it was like no time at all had passed. We talked about old days, caught up on parts of each other’s lives that we’ve missed, laughed, and shared gossip about people we both know. Before I knew it three and a half hours had passed and I had to leave to take the kids out for Jacob’s special birthday lunch. 

I can’t remember when in the last 15 years I’ve sat with one person for three and a half hours and just talked. What an incredible gift to be able to share that kind of time with someone. And someone that knows me so well that although we had to learn about the newer parts of each other’s lives, we knew all the basics already. I am so grateful for that time and it ranks high on my list of happiness moments. Hopefully there are many more of those to come. 

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