Tag Archives: death

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The beginning of the aftermath of crisis. 

When we were in crisis mode I had the overwhelming feeling that we were the only people in the entire world to be going through a crisis. I was the only little girl (at the age of 44) who was about to lose her dad ever. We had a wonderful support team around us, yet at times it felt so all encompassing and lonely. 

Even then the rational part of me knew we were hardly the only ones facing a crisis, and how even during our storm we were held onto by so many loving arms. 

Here’s what I’ve noticed in the beginning of the aftermath of the crisis. Those feelings of being so alone are gone. We are holding each other up. We are held up by our tribe. And coming quietly out of the woodwork is the support of the others. Those who have already lost a spouse or parent. 

Before I had kids people may have tried to warn me of the pain of childbirth. I’m sure even if they’d graphically and accurately described it I would never have believed that such a pain exists and you can live through it and see better things. These others who have survived the death of their loved one come silently behind us and hold our hands while we work through the pain. They are proof you can make it through. They understand that pain that you can’t describe. 

The tribe we have has circled around us and enveloped us in love and support. I am so grateful for the amazing people we have in our lives. God put us right in the middle of a very strong and loving support system. 

The messages I have received from people telling stories about how dad impacted their lives has let me know that he was this powerful force of love to so many other people as well as to us. 

All of these people slowly and quietly holding us in a nest of love. How grateful I am. 

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Photographs

On a very difficult day I had my happiness moment when  we sat down, the three of us left from the original four,  and went through old pictures. In his later years dad picked up photography as a hobby and was so very talented. It was fun to see pictures of the old days. To remember how he looked before he got so sick.  It was nice to just sit and share memories of a man who had such a profound impact on our lives. I miss you dad. 

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A prayer of peace 

Today has been the most emotionally  gut wrenching day of my life.  I have been so grateful for my faith, and for the strong guidance my dad gave me as he lived his faith. 

I don’t even know how to put into words the impact that my dad has had on my life. The integrity with which he lived his life, the love he shared, the light he shone that inspired not only me but the lives of everyone he met. I was so lucky that God gave me the dad He did. 

We shared a very emotional and loving goodbye to my dad today. 

My happiness moment was at the hospice. The kids, my cousin, her husband and kids, my aunt and uncle were sitting with the social worker. The kids took some time to share their favourite memories of Dad. How he took them on flower walks, how he swam in the creek with them, how he played with them, how he loved him. 

I feel so honored to have had him in my life. Although I’m infinitely sad, I’m infinitely grateful to have known him. My faith in something greater, in something better is strengthened because of this. 

I stood outside at the barn today and said a loving prayer to my dad that was sent to me by my pastor in Roanoke 

We entrust you to God who created you. May you return to the one who formed us out of the dust of the earth. Surrounded by angels and triumphant saints, may Christ come to meet you as you go forth from this life. May Christ, the Lord of glory, who was crucified for you, bring you freedom and peace. May Christ, the High Priest, who has forgiven all you sins, keep you among his people. May Christ, the Son of God, who died for you, show you the glories of his eternal kingdom. May Christ, the Good Shepherd, enfold you with his tender care. May you see your redeemer face to face and enjoy the sight of God forever. Amen. 

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Surrender

  
I come from a long line of extremely stubborn and willful people so to say that I don’t surrender easily (or at all) into things is putting it mildly. 

Since having yoga and mediation and Ayurveda introduced into my life I have been actively seeking the way to surrender. It hasn’t been successful. 

This is likely because I’ve been trying to force myself to surrender. Stubbornly and willfully. With no success. 

I always imagined how my true surrender would go. It would be like Disney meets Kripalu. I would be sitting serenely in a field with butterflies flitting about, deer skipping by, and flowers dancing a merry rainbow of peace and serenity. I would be radiating bliss from my inner core as I sat in peaceful meditation. 

No matter how many times I tried to force this peaceful surrender it never happened. 

Today for the first time I felt myself – my whole self, body mind and spirit – surrender. 

Here’s what it looked like: me lying on the ground yelling no, no, no, no, no, no,no f*ck, f*ck (a few more hundred of those)…. FINE. Then I lay there and cried. And I’m not a pretty crier. It was heaping, drooling, snotty sobs of tears. 

Then I got up, dusted myself off, and continued to cry for the next 12 hours. Actually, since I’m still crying now it will be much longer I’m sure.

But, somewhere in that heaping, ugly mess came surrender. I felt it happen. I just gave it all up. 

Once I got to the point where I was beyond trying to force myself into a place that was not authentic for me it just happened. Right now in this moment in time, surrender for me is curled up in the fetal position crying my eyes out. And that’s ok. Because it’s real. 

Surrender meant acknowledging what is happening, having my authentic response to it and being ok with it. Knowing that what happens is beyond my control. That it’s not my job to reach for a specific outcome. Right now it’s my job to surrender, to cry, to feel, to relax and let be. 

Happiness moment today was sitting with dad in a sunbeam while giving him a big hug. Yes, I cried for most of it. But whatever. It was still a moment of true love and that means happiness. 

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A walk through family history 

For at least the last year Jacob has had a lot of questions about where he comes from. He wants to know his roots and understand more about his family. 

He always has lots of questions about his great grandma (my grandma). He has some memories of her – she died when he was 2.5 – and often talks about remembering visiting with her. 

Starting a few months ago he started asking to go visit her grave. It’s not a place I’ve been back to since she was buried. For me, if I need to feel close to her, I just sit in her kitchen. Which is easy since that’s where my parents live and is a 30 second walk away. 

But, he had a really strong need to go to the graveyard. So we went. I went for Jacob, but I also went for Grandma. I remember she used to take me there to visit Grandpa’s grave and put flowers there. Then she would walk me around and look at the other graves. My great grandparents are there, as are many great aunts and uncles.  The doctor who delivered me is there. All of “old Cochrane” is there. She would show me where everyone was buried and tell me stories about them. 

I realized that even though it may not have a lot of meaning for me, it had a lot of meaning for Grandma. That she would probably appreciate flowers and a visit there. 

 
So we went there. After a little searching we found the graves. 

Not knowing how I would feel being there, I was amazed at the sense of peace I felt being in that place. It was actually a huge sort of comfort standing amidst past family and friends. Really standing there in our roots. 

I did notice that there was a planter in the middle of my grandparents’ headstones and although it was too cold today to leave flowers out, I will go back and put a pot of geraniums there when it warms up. 

So, my happiness moment of the day today is kind of a weird happiness moment. It’s not one of screaming joyous laughter. Today it is the happy feeling of standing in the roots of family and the feeling of love and belonging that grows out of that. It’s a deep seated contented  happiness that I am grateful for. 

Because it was rainy and cold out, afterwards we went to a local coffee shop and had tea, hot cocoa and a little treat. A different kind of happiness. 


  

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Difficult life lessons

This morning after Jenna and I had dropped Jacob off at school (and she’d scooted as fast as she could into the front seat) we were driving down the road when two cardinals flew down in front of us. I was watching them play together, they looked like they were playing tag and just really having a wonderful morning flight. Suddenly they both swooped down a bit lower and while one flew right back up, the other was hit by a car going the other way. One moment there was a beautiful red bird flying and the next there was just a puff of red feathers falling to the ground.

It broke my heart to see something go from such joy to non-existence in a flash, but what made it worse (for me) was the little gasp I heard from beside me – followed by “Oh mommy. I wish I hadn’t been looking out the window just now.” And then she burst into tears.

Horrible. I had to think quickly of what to say to try and make things better. I knew it was going to be one of those “learning moments” and I wanted to choose my words wisely. I started by simply saying that I too had wished I hadn’t been looking out the window then, that I wished we hadn’t seen that. But I started thinking there is so much more to this lesson this poor bird gave us.

We said a little prayer for the life of the bird and then I started talking about how the bird is in heaven and how heaven is a beautiful and wonderful place. How we already knew other animals in heaven that would welcome that bird. That Kayla, Oscar, Jaime, Rolex and Pirate were there. I said Snowflake, my other ponies from my childhood, my old dog and cat Penny and Torts were there and that they’d all welcome a new bird. That God already had a place in heaven for all of us and that he was happy to have the bird back with him.

Jenna sobbed “but I bet God wasn’t planning on having that bird back with him today.”

I said that no, He probably hadn’t planned on having that bird back today, but no matter when it was anyone’s time to come back He always has a place waiting for us. But also to remember that life is short and every moment is important and you should always make choices that bring you closer to love.

Poor little girl went off to school all red eyed to write one of her big exams. It was not how I would have chosen to start the day for her, but I’m so glad that she has that caring and kind heart that loves all of God’s creatures.

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