Tag Archives: death

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Visiting time 

It has not been three months yet that we have been home, but every day that we have been here I have given thanks for being back home. We had some extremely likely years while on the road and I am so grateful that we now have people close by we can visit with. 

Today we had some lovely visits and it served as a reminder of how blessed we are to be back in the fold of our tribe. 

Jenna had a friend over – which is a big  deal. Even though we are home, she is still the new girl and it takes some time to make school friends. I loved watching them run up and down the field laughing and having fun. 

During her play date, I went up to my cousin’s place and we sat and had a little visit. Although we live within yelling distance of each other, we don’t seem to have enough chances to sit and catch up on each other’s lives. 

Later tonight a cousin from my Dad’s side came out to spend the night. She is here with her daughter from BC for a dance competition. Because of my Dad’s illness and death, I have seen her every week for the past three weeks, and before that it has been years and years. So wonderful to regain that connection and strengthen that relationship. 

Happiness moment: having loved ones to sit and visit with. It sounds small, but it’s a huge freaking deal. In fact, being with loved ones is what it’s all about. 

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Leave no one behind. 

I remember thinking several times in the weeks before dad died that there were some big things going on here and I’d better remember them. Well, considering what a pivotal point in my life it was, it is amazing how many things I have forgotten or blocked from my memory. I’m glad I’ve been trying to write some of it down. 

One thing that has really stuck with me is how my mom behaved when my dad was sick. She later told me that when dad got his diagnosis a few years ago that she told him he wouldn’t have to go through this alone. She said she would stand by his side and hold his hand through all of it. And that she did. 

She went with him to hundreds of treatments, doctors appointments and lab tests. She lay awake beside him at night making sure he was comfortable. She grabbed a hold of his hand at the beginning of this journey and never let go. Ever. 

I learned a lot about how my family treats sick people watching the final months of my grandma’s life 11 years ago. She was loved and cared for right up until the end. There was some family always around her, and at the end she was brought home to my parents’ place (her old home) to die. My uncle and aunt made sure care was provided for her and her hands were held in love the entire way through her journey. 

It was the same with my dad. Mom made sure someone was always with dad; that he didn’t feel too alone and scared. He didn’t go to hospice until the day before he died and I think of that time at home with him that last week as being a very difficult time, but one where I learned how incredibly strong and loving and courageous my mom, my sister, and I are. When the people you love are down, you reach out and hold their hands.  No matter what. I learned this from walking this path with my mom. 

There have been times in my life where I have been down and stuck that hand out for help only to have that hand trampled on and discarded. It’s easy to pull that hand back in and stop trying to be connected. But, this experience has reminded me of the importance of having those people in my life whose hands I can hold through it all. What a blessing. Having the courage to hold someone’s hand through the hard times, even when you know it will lead to heartache is one of the most courageous and difficult things you can do. 

Tonight we went out to Montana’s for supper before going to Jurassic World. Jacobs birthday is next week so this happened and trust me, it was the happiness moment today. 

   

 

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Ashes to ashes 

We picked up Dad’s ashes today. I am discovering that there are a lot of things about cremation I hadn’t thought through. But here we are, and we will hold hands and walk together through this part as well. 

I spent some time trying to figure out where to put the ashes in the car. Do I buckle them into the front seat? That felt weird. I decided on the trunk. Weird but hopefully safer. I felt kind of bad putting the ashes in the trunk of the car, and worried I’d get in an accident….. I’ve watched way too many bad sitcoms making fun of cremation mishaps I suppose. We made it home safely I’m happy to announce and I avoided any of those awkward moments. 

Even though I was completely pro-cremation and had been certain it was what I would want for myself, the reality of it is turning out to be much more emotionally difficult than I would have thought. I understand we are not of the body. I understand that the Dad part of Dad left the building way back at the hospice. However, the reality that the body now is also gone seems to be a little much. Like he was just erased or something. 

I don’t know, I suppose I will work that through in my heart at some point. It does interfere with my heart’s strong denial that Dad is anywhere but out for a walk, or out in the garden. Alive. 

Dad’s ashes had to stay at my place for the afternoon. It wasn’t until after supper that I packed up my laundry and the ashes and headed over to Mom’s place. I was standing in my yard – laundry on one hip, urn balanced on the other side – looking behind the barn where they were chasing cows, and then looked up at the sky and said just so you know Dad, this tops the list of the weirdest things I have done. Then I walked over to the house talking to him the whole way. It was weird and nice all at once. 

Today my happiness moments were served to me three ways: physical, emotional, and spiritual. 

When we came home from school I lay down on the couch to rest for a minute and ended up studying my eyelids for an hour and a half. Not only have we had an exhaustingly emotional few weeks, but I don’t  have blinds on our windows yet and it’s only dark from 11pm to 4:30am. Not enough sleep time. The nap brought me physical happiness. 

After supper I went for a walk along the ridge. It’s where Dad used to love to walk. Not only did I feel closer to him, but I had some awesome walking companions. My emotional happiness: 

   

The view from the ridge. 

 

When I got back from my walk Jenna had done some chalk art expressing her feelings about her Grandpa’s death. It gave me spiritual happiness.  

 

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That time of year 

This is my favourite time of the year in Alberta. Words don’t do justice to how amazingly beautiful it is here right now. When I drive through the Hay Valley in the mornings, I have to stop and drink in how many different colours of green God is able to use to paint the landscape. It leaves me full of awe and hope. 

I’m putting extra effort into enjoying the beginning of summer this year. This will be the second summer in a row the kids and I have spent at the ranch, but the first time in 10 years we have lived here. That is a blessing unto itself. But, this time of year was also  when Dad would really come alive. He loved watching the flowers come out, loved planting the garden. He even seemed to love weeding the garden. I know God had a reason that He took Dad back right at the beginning of his time of the year, but I don’t know what that is. I do know that as a way of honouring Dad’s memory I will appreciate and enjoy the hell out of this summer. 

This morning was beautiful. I came home from school dropoff and spent some time in my garden. I could spend hours working on this garden and I am so in love with it. Quiet time outside making our house a home, literally putting down roots. 

After I gardened, I took some bedding out of the washing machine and hung it up outside to get dried by the sun’s kisses. Then, right before I had to start doing dishes I stopped and looked outside at my garden. 

The view from my kitchen window.  
My happiness moment today. Quietly digging in the garden. Allowing memories of previous years of gardening with Dad to come and shine in my heart. Smiling and crying at the same time with the flood of memories.  I am so blessed.  

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I’m ok, I’m ok, I’m not ok, I’m fine ….

That pretty much describes my emotions lately. I think I’m ok, I act like I’m ok and then suddenly I’m not ok. 

Today my sister, the kids, and I went to Spruce Meadows. One of my happy places. It’s changed so much since it used to be one of my haunting grounds back when I was showing. It’s grown and become much more of a family place. While this is a good thing for them, I still love just going and watching the horses jump. I don’t need anything else. Jenna made me feel like I’d failed as her mom when she said oh Spruce Meadows… The place with the dogs?  

So we went and did some kid things and then we went and watched some jumping. We were happily watching when a lady in front of us tripped on the stairs and fell face first down on the ground.  She lay there for a long time while they waited for the paramedics saying that she had done something to her hip. There were  people there helping her and the situation was under control so I had nothing to do but watch. Which I had to do since it was right at my feet. 

I was sitting there watching her be looked after by caring and competent people and I was totally fine. Then all of a sudden I was in blubbering tears. Just watching this scene unfold brought up so many emotions. It made me realize how completely emotionally raw I am and how little it takes to set me off. 

As my sister and I have decided that  when people ask how are you?  We respond by saying I’m fine. Fine being Fucked up, Insecure, Neurotic, Emotional. Just FINE thanks. 

I know things get better, but sometimes I feel normal and then the reminder of Dad’s death sneaks up and kicks me in the gut. 

My happiness moment today was at Spruce Meadows, and while I certainly had happiness moments watching the horses, my moment came lying in the shade on the grass by the kids’ playground. 

 
Just lying there and looking up at the sky. A moment of happiness.  

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Lord of the Dance 

The end of a very long day. The day of my Dad’s funeral. A day that I thought would be a horribly difficult day. And yet…..while it was a difficult and very emotional day, there was a lot of healing and beauty and celebration too. Oddly enough, I laughed more today than I have in the week since he died. 

I could feel him there with us. While I miss him so deeply, and wanted to reach out into that feeling and grab a hold of him, I was thankful to be able to stand there with that feeling of love all around.

The outpouring of love was immense. It was so amazing to see all those little things that I loved about him that others loved about him too. How fully he was able to share his gifts with the world. The talks people gave  made me laugh and cry – sometimes at the same time. The power of the emotions they shared as they described the impact that my Dad made on their lives blew me away. I feel so honoured to have such a strong tribe of people around me. 

At the reception after I saw people I haven’t seen in years. Since childhood. Old babysitters, teachers, neighbours, friends. To share this emotional experience with so many people who had strong emotional ties to my Dad helped me intensely. I feel truly blessed. 

I will write more about it, but now I am tired and over whelmed and in need of sleep. 

The funeral ended with the hymn Lord of the Dance which is one of my favourites. 

Dad would have loved to have seen the outpouring of love shone on him. He gave his love and loved with his heart, and today it was obvious how many people felt that love and were shining it back. 

Happiness moment today happened a few ways. I laughed and visited with childhood friends. I honoured my dad and the life he lived. In one funny moment Jenna was talking about her supper which included tofu “mommy, I liked my supper – but I’m not sure how I felt about the TOE FOOD. I didn’t really care for that.”

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Tribal Counsel

Today was actually the most normal I have felt in a week. Normal is all relative, but it was normal none the less. I only cried 128 times today so I consider that a success. I only thought of 32 things I wanted to go tell Dad about.  I’m getting better about just stopping and telling him anyways, hoping that wherever he is he hears me. 

Today some of our family from Dad’s side flew in for the funeral – which is tomorrow. We sat at a big table and caught up on each other’s lives, listened to them tell stories about Dad and also different generations of family, laughed, and shared being together in this bittersweet way. Because we didn’t grow up near them we never know enough about them. 

But because of that family bond, sitting at our tribal counsel tonight felt easy. By the way the spelling of counsel is done with intent. Dad was a lawyer, mom also practiced law, one cousin at the table tonight is in practice with his dad – my dad’s brother. Law runs strong in the family. 

Again today I was reminded of the power of love, the strength of family. People who pull together and dig deep to be there for each other no matter what. The people who leave their busy lives to love and support their loved ones when times call for it. I feel so grateful to have so many of these people in my life. People who I also support and hand hold through good times and the rough ones too. 

I don’t know how tomorrow will go. But today I feel so happy and blessed to be a part of my tribe of people. 

Sitting at the table giggling with the relatives. My happiness moment for  the day. 

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Denial. 

This morning at 4:30 I woke up in a panic from a nightmare that Dad had died and we were getting ready for his funeral. It was only a couple of seconds before I realized that this was not just a sleeping nightmare. 

Somehow it’s supposed to get easier. 

I was told to be grateful that I had all that time before to be with him and tell him I loved him. I am thankful for that – but let me tell you that it does not help with the big, aching hole in my heart and in my family. 

I just keep thinking it can’t possibly be true. This can’t have happened. I still have a journey to walk with him. We still had things to do. Jacob still needed him. 

Today happiness moment was a silly, funny happiness. I went to get my hair done. Since last fall I’ve had subtle purple highlights in my hair. Well, today they came out hot pink. My stylist and I just looked at the hot mess and laughed and laughed. Because what can you do? I figured at least I would  be able to embarrass the kids with it, but they think it’s awesomely cool and want me to leave it like this. It’ll be back to boring old purple tomorrow. Funny moments. They’re good. 

I also had a cousin stop by for a visit while getting my hair done, and when I was finished I ran into an old friend I haven’t seen in 20 years. It is good to be home. That’s a happiness moment all by itself. 

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An over-eating CATastrophy

Today I had to head into town to buy clothes for the kids and me to wear to Dad’s funeral. Clothes for the kids because – well – they’re kids and they grow. clothes for me because apparently all I’ve done over the past couple of weeks is stress eat and nothing fits me anymore. So, now not only am I in mourning but I’m fat as well. Excellent.

I’ve consoled myself with the thought that Dad was one of the few people who loved me exactly as I am, no matter what, and he would understand why I’ve put on the pudge. Nothing else should matter (sob… pass the cake please).

During my time of over-eating, I’ve had a strange binging buddy. My cat Ella has been stress eating right along with me. Her food consumption has almost tripled over the past couple of weeks. My cat who prefers the method of being “close but no touching” has decided that she can’t leave my side. She follows me everywhere, she reaches up with her paw and grabs my hands and brings them to her if I’m not paying her enough attention. This morning while I was on the elliptical, she jumped up on the freezer which is right beside it and pawed at me the entire time – rolling on her back for a tummy rub every time I put my hand out.

She knows something is up and she’s my constant soul companion when I’m home.

My happiness moment came today when I was having supper that had been prepared by my mother in law. We have been so well cared for by our tribe. Last night was supper at my cousin’s place. The night before that we were at the funeral home when I realized that we didn’t have anything for supper, I texted a different cousin and said “remember how you said anytime and anything we needed? we are hungry and don’t have supper”. When we came home she was standing in our kitchen heating up supper for us. We are so well loved and cared for.

I had a secondary, quieter happiness moment today that was more along the lines of yesterday’s flower walk. I didn’t get a picture of them – but today the mountains were amazing. It was one of those rare, perfect mornings where things were still and clear. The mountains looked like they were right on our doorstep. I had to stop and stand still for a while and take in their beauty. Grateful happiness. The kind of bliss that comes only from standing at home looking out on “our view”. I could feel Dad standing with me. Which was good and hard. Every day seems to get harder instead of easier. But, that moment made it easier and that made it a happiness moment.

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Flower walk

Today I tried really hard to get out and do some normal life things. Spring, or the beginning of summer, was always Dad’s favourite time of year. Since the warm weather is here for such a short time, I felt obligated to take in the beautiful sunny day. 

My Uncle Gord has spent ages moving and organizing the opening of his parents’ home at the Cochrane Ranche, and today was the grand opening of it. I went because I adore Uncle Gord, and because I really wanted to go out and be normal. Which I was… And I wasn’t. 

There was a lot of extended family, so on top of Uncle Gord leaving the front to come and hug me and squish up my face (have I mentioned I adore him? Nobody else would ever get away with that), I had family coming up and hugging me and giving me love. 

Which was nice, and also not nice. Nice because I am so blessed to be back in my tribe with people who know and love me. Not nice because it makes this whole death thing more real. 

I had a lovely conversation with two cousins who shared their happy memories of canoeing with Dad. The love and the sadness on their faces was so deep. 

I was quietly shadowed by another cousin. I’d think she’d gone somewhere and she’s appear and squeeze my shoulder and say I was doing a good job. Any time someone new came to talk to me she’d reappear and make sure I was ok.

Talk about having my back. She’s always someone I want in my corner anyway. 

After I left the opening I had to drive into Calgary. As I reached the top of Cochrane Hill I had the strong impulse to turn off to Glenbow Ranch. Dad always loved walking there and looking at the wildflowers. 

In fact wildflowers were kind of Dad’s thing. From the time I was little, he’d take me out into the field and teach me the names of all the flowers. And he really knew them all too. We had little flower books and my sister and I would write down where and when we saw them. 

As time went on, Dad expanded from just teaching us the flowers, to our cousins, and eventually Mom and Dad’s friends. Dad would take a group of friends out on big long wildflower walks and tell them all about the flowers. 

All spring we scoured the field outside their house looking for a crocus – the sure sign of spring. There was never one to be found this year. Once I was at Glenbow Ranch, I decided to go walk the flower trail I had walked with Dad last summer in hopes of maybe seeing a crocus. Nope, but I came across something else 

Can you see it there hiding quietly in the grass?   

A lady slipper 

 One of his favorite flowers was the lady slipper. 

The park was busy, there were people on all the other paths. But for a few minutes I was the only person standing in this secret flower spot. It was the exact place I had stood last summer with Dad looking at Wood Lillies – my favourite flower. 

For just a few moments I felt him standing there with me on that ridge looking at the flowers. My happiness moment of the day. 

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