Tag Archives: funeral

happiness

Into the fury of the fire 

Today we gathered together as a family and as a community and said farewell to my Uncle Harvey. He was my mom’s cousin, but in this large, close knit, extended family he was still uncle to me.

 I spent hours, days, seasons, riding in the fields on his ranch as a smaller child. It was one of the places where I learned the life lessons of courage and strength that have sustained me so well these past few years as I have been rebuilding a more peaceful and happier soul. My courage and strength were both tested every single time I got on a horse at their place and was pushed to the limit of my fears. I will be forever grateful for the lessons I learned from them. 

His sons were talking today at his funeral about uncle Harvey’s own courage and strength and how he taught those around him to be the same by example rather than words. Anyone can say the words to describe the person they want to be, it takes a brave soul to actually live by those words. 

Almost 50 years ago there was a prairie fire in the community and everyone had rushed out to help put it out. Uncle Harvey had been away so when he returned home he knew people were working hard to stop the fire. Instead of joining them, he ran to the barn and saddled up his horse. He grabbed his wire cutters and headed flat out into the fury of the fire. He opened gates and cut wires in fences to let the livestock escape the oncoming fire. 

They spoke of the kind of man who was both brave and kind enough to run full on into a fire to save the animals. That takes a special kind of individual and one that I am so grateful played such a big role in teaching me about courage and bravery. 

My happiness moment ironically came in the middle of the funeral. I was thinking of the gifts that he gave me as a child and how they are gifts I have opened over and over again in my life. There have been so many different people who God has put in my path who have handed me the gifts I needed to carry myself into the next place I wanted to get to. All the emotional craziness of this week has also been a gift. Somehow in the middle of all of it I have settled into a place of spiritual peace that has been missing for quite sometime – and even though I have no idea how it happened, I’m so grateful for that. 

Uncle Harvey’s work clothes. 

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Lord of the Dance 

The end of a very long day. The day of my Dad’s funeral. A day that I thought would be a horribly difficult day. And yet…..while it was a difficult and very emotional day, there was a lot of healing and beauty and celebration too. Oddly enough, I laughed more today than I have in the week since he died. 

I could feel him there with us. While I miss him so deeply, and wanted to reach out into that feeling and grab a hold of him, I was thankful to be able to stand there with that feeling of love all around.

The outpouring of love was immense. It was so amazing to see all those little things that I loved about him that others loved about him too. How fully he was able to share his gifts with the world. The talks people gave  made me laugh and cry – sometimes at the same time. The power of the emotions they shared as they described the impact that my Dad made on their lives blew me away. I feel so honoured to have such a strong tribe of people around me. 

At the reception after I saw people I haven’t seen in years. Since childhood. Old babysitters, teachers, neighbours, friends. To share this emotional experience with so many people who had strong emotional ties to my Dad helped me intensely. I feel truly blessed. 

I will write more about it, but now I am tired and over whelmed and in need of sleep. 

The funeral ended with the hymn Lord of the Dance which is one of my favourites. 

Dad would have loved to have seen the outpouring of love shone on him. He gave his love and loved with his heart, and today it was obvious how many people felt that love and were shining it back. 

Happiness moment today happened a few ways. I laughed and visited with childhood friends. I honoured my dad and the life he lived. In one funny moment Jenna was talking about her supper which included tofu “mommy, I liked my supper – but I’m not sure how I felt about the TOE FOOD. I didn’t really care for that.”

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Tribal Counsel

Today was actually the most normal I have felt in a week. Normal is all relative, but it was normal none the less. I only cried 128 times today so I consider that a success. I only thought of 32 things I wanted to go tell Dad about.  I’m getting better about just stopping and telling him anyways, hoping that wherever he is he hears me. 

Today some of our family from Dad’s side flew in for the funeral – which is tomorrow. We sat at a big table and caught up on each other’s lives, listened to them tell stories about Dad and also different generations of family, laughed, and shared being together in this bittersweet way. Because we didn’t grow up near them we never know enough about them. 

But because of that family bond, sitting at our tribal counsel tonight felt easy. By the way the spelling of counsel is done with intent. Dad was a lawyer, mom also practiced law, one cousin at the table tonight is in practice with his dad – my dad’s brother. Law runs strong in the family. 

Again today I was reminded of the power of love, the strength of family. People who pull together and dig deep to be there for each other no matter what. The people who leave their busy lives to love and support their loved ones when times call for it. I feel so grateful to have so many of these people in my life. People who I also support and hand hold through good times and the rough ones too. 

I don’t know how tomorrow will go. But today I feel so happy and blessed to be a part of my tribe of people. 

Sitting at the table giggling with the relatives. My happiness moment for  the day. 

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Denial. 

This morning at 4:30 I woke up in a panic from a nightmare that Dad had died and we were getting ready for his funeral. It was only a couple of seconds before I realized that this was not just a sleeping nightmare. 

Somehow it’s supposed to get easier. 

I was told to be grateful that I had all that time before to be with him and tell him I loved him. I am thankful for that – but let me tell you that it does not help with the big, aching hole in my heart and in my family. 

I just keep thinking it can’t possibly be true. This can’t have happened. I still have a journey to walk with him. We still had things to do. Jacob still needed him. 

Today happiness moment was a silly, funny happiness. I went to get my hair done. Since last fall I’ve had subtle purple highlights in my hair. Well, today they came out hot pink. My stylist and I just looked at the hot mess and laughed and laughed. Because what can you do? I figured at least I would  be able to embarrass the kids with it, but they think it’s awesomely cool and want me to leave it like this. It’ll be back to boring old purple tomorrow. Funny moments. They’re good. 

I also had a cousin stop by for a visit while getting my hair done, and when I was finished I ran into an old friend I haven’t seen in 20 years. It is good to be home. That’s a happiness moment all by itself. 

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