Tag Archives: healing

happiness

The presence of fear

The presence of fear is a sure sign you are trusting in your own strength

I can always tell when I’m living a fear based life because that’s when things start falling apart. As soon as I think I am in control, as soon as I think I can only depend on myself (or worse, someone else) shit hits the fan.

When I can turn it over to God, connect to my Source, trust in the power of the universe, then suddenly things fall into place. Maybe not in the way I would have liked, but in the long run it always turns out even better than I could have imagined.

I’m sitting on a plane getting ready to return to my regular life after a wonderful escape weekend with a good friend. I needed this time to rebalance myself and catch my breath. And now I have to figure out how I’m going to face the reality that my life has changed forever. Even though I thought in many ways that I’ve been preparing for mom’s death for years – it still kicked me in the gut and felt like it all happened so fast.

When I got to my seat I turned on my kindle and started a new book – The Universe Has Your Back – and one of the first things I read was this:

I know this is true. I have had huge miracles happen in my life because I chose love instead of fear. Love and trusting in my faith saved my life and got us out of a dangerous situation, it got me home, it got me Drishti, it reconnected me to my family and friends.

The presence of love will always cast out fear.

I watched this happen with Mom just two weeks ago. I saw her give it up to God, I sat with her as she came to a place of peace. The very last thing she said to me and to my kids was I love you.

The power of love is always going to be stronger than the power of fear.

I know there are changes I have to make in my life, but this is the first one and the most important of all of them.

Always choose love. Always.

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happiness

State of denial

I’ve jokingly said that denial is my new coping mechanism but honestly it’s been a little bubble that has protected me the last little bit.

I’ve been able to extend my state of denial a little bit this weekend as I’ve been away with a friend. It hasn’t been completely effective, and there have been random bursts of tears, moments of holy crap this can’t be real, and shock when I remember mom is gone.

But then I go back into my bubble. It’s not that I’m hiding from reality, it’s just a lot to absorb and I’m honestly pretty grateful I have these couple of days to just be away. We watched a stupid movie tonight and I laughed like life was normal.

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On turning 47

Three years ago today I started my happiness blog. It was supposed to last 44 days and bring me to a better place inside. Back then I was desperately praying that the kids and I would be freed from the unsafe home we were living in.

In those three years we were granted our miracle, came home, dad died, went through the ugliest divorce possible and lost everything financially (and the kids lost their entire paternal side), and then mom died.

A lot has happened.

This blog has kept me sane through all of that. It has given me a space to sort things out and do some healing. There has been a lot of sorrow, but every single day I’ve found at least one moment of happiness.

Today my moment of happiness is a birthday escape with a friend. There are so many emotions today I’m not quite sure how to handle them all.

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Saying goodbye

We had mom’s funeral today. It was beautiful, sad, sweet, joyful, heart wrenching. It had all the feelings. It was a service that did honour to mom’s memory, including the most beautiful eulogy given by my uncle.

Last night when we were out with my Ontario relatives, and again today from my uncle (mom’s brother) I was made aware of the common theme that runs on both sides of my family.

Hold your loved ones dear, give whenever you can, never give up, always reach out in kindness, live with grace and dignity.

That was how both of my parents lived, and they were perfectly paired together to express this way of life.

I really, really miss her; but I have this huge sense of peace that she’s with Dad.

I was so worried today that I’d feel so alone, but my tribe surrounded me and carried me through the entire ceremony and reception after. With every deep breath and eye dab I was constantly aware that I was not alone. I was told that, it was transferred in hugs, it was said with sad smiles. I even offered myself up for adoption to the neighbours (they accepted but I think they thought I was kidding. They’ll be surprised when we show up for supper!”

There was so much love in that church, and it was so fitting. That’s how both mom and dad lived their lives. They made close connections to the people around them and offered love and kindness whenever possible.

I am so incredibly grateful for all the love and support from all of our friends and family. That is true soul happiness.

And a bonus happiness is the 18th birthday of my dear nephew. He’s a great kid and now he’ll be a great adult.

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Come together

My sister, my kids and I went out for supper with my aunt and uncle tonight. They’re my dad’s sister and brother in law and they (along with a few of our cousins) flew in for mom’s funeral tomorrow. There’s something so great about family – even though we are miles apart and don’t spend a lot of time together – we love each other deeply and share so many stories. It’s the good part about funerals, it brings everyone together. There were a few great moments around the table as we laughed. There’s always a silver lining.

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Helping Hands

I screwed something up a couple of weeks ago – not just a small screw up but a rather royal one. I’ve been needing to fix it, which will be hours of work, but life took me in another direction.

This morning I had an email from a lady I know but don’t know well and she offered to take my mistake and fix it for me. When I went to her place to hand her my things I found out she hadn’t even realized mom had passed away. She just knew I was under a lot of stress and reached out to help me.

The kindness of others is so amazing and powerful. I feel so blessed. Honestly, I have been really struggling with this blog the last few days. I don’t want to find the happiness in a moment right now. I want to be mad at God and feel sorry for myself. But things like what happened today remind me that there really are moments of happiness everywhere, and that God always gives me what I need when I need it.

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Look alikes

All her life my sister has rolled her eyes and said yes, I know I look like my mom. We have some sort of cloning factory out here – it’s funny how one generation duplicates its looks onto the next one (my grandpa, uncle, and cousin are prime examples).

Today my sister sent me this photo

and said now you can never say you don’t look like mom. And she’s right. Even down to the surly little mouth turned up. It may be the only time we have looked the same, but in this instance it’s spot on. Lots of memories being shared today – happiness inside the tears.

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Holding each other up

Today was the emotional day of making arrangements for mom. It’s amazing how exhausting that is – it seems like we were just in those offices making arrangements for dad.

However my sister, brother in law, myself and mom’s caregiver made the best of a stressful situation. I don’t know what we would have done the last couple of years without Heather. She quickly became part of the family and she’s become so important to all of us. I particularly appreciated her being there today and jokingly referred to her as my rented husband who I leaned on for support.

We all need to work through this grieving process together. Together it makes an unbearable situation bearable. It’s not joyful, but it’s deep seated soul happiness being surrounded by my tribe

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