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Ungratitude Gratitude

I was walking home tonight having an ungrateful inner moment. Actually, what happened was that I came out of my mom’s house and saw one of her flower pots knocked over. I was tired and thought oh I’ll just leave that until tomorrow. Then I heard my Dad’s voice clearly in my head saying you need to go pick that up. Just do it. So I did. Then I looked up at the sky and made a face akin to the ones I made as a teenager. The scrunched up scowl of I hope you’re happy because I’m not. I walked across the cattle guard and looked north to see this: 

   
 
So I’m assuming the answer was yes, I am happy. And now you are too. And he was right. The beauty of life makes me happy. 

Bonus happiness moment today. 

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The sound of silence. 

Today has been a feel gross day. I’m not sure if I’m sick or if I am just feeling like emotional crap. Either way, the result is the same. Blah. Actually, I’m hoping it’s the result of some emotional junk moving through me from my energy work and my yoga. I’ve started a new session of Healing Light Yoga Therapy, which is restorative yoga and is the most wonderful thing for my soul. But it often gives me some yuck along the way. 

So, I’m dealing with the aftermath of my phone in the toilet. If bad things come in threes, I had it last night with the skunk, the phone, and the barfing kid. I have a good warrantee though and for a couple of hundred dollars, by tomorrow or Wednesday I’ll have a new one. But, for now I live in silence. 

I have discovered that the level of silence I can tolerate is directly related to my level of anxiety. The higher the anxiety the less I can handle total silence.  No noise means having to listen to the small voices that are telling me I’m stuck in a bad place. Since moving home, my anxiety is so much less I barely even think about it. But, I discovered today that I’ve still been filling more silence gaps than I realized. I’ve been doing this by either messing around on the Internet or using music to fill the quiet. 

On the way into town this morning,  Jacob and I were half way in before we realized the car radio was off. When we did, we both commented on how nice it was to enjoy the quiet, appreciate the scenery, and relax into the silence. The sound of silence is a beautiful thing. It’s also where all my big thoughts happen and my profound emotions come from. My moment of happiness today was that drive into town with Jacob. 

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Father’s Day. 

I wasn’t sure how this day was going to be, it’s been about three and a half weeks since Dad died. Too soon to be ok with a day dedicated to celebrating Dads. In some ways it was harder than I expected (they sang Amazing Grace at church. That hymn always does me in). In many ways it was better than I expected. 

Most of the morning I felt like curling up in a ball and just crying. I couldn’t pinpoint my exact feeling but it was generally crappy and sad. My cousin brought us to her church and much as I didn’t want to be there (because it was interfering with my crying time)  it was a good thing to be out and around people.  They were having an end of the year celebration and it was good for me to be around people enjoying life. 

I came home and had a two hour nap, which was also good for my soul. I have been exhausted lately and that rest time helped to recharge me. Dealing with all these emotions is a very tiring process. 

The day finished  with a Father’s Day supper at my cousin’s place with her husband and kids, my mom, aunt and uncle (whom I used to call uncle dad as a child), and a family friend. The great thing about my family is they pick up and take care of each other. 

It ended up being a really enjoyable night. Which is how it should be. I figure as long as we have the ability to feel joy and happiness we should be living it. It was enjoyable even though the Dotted Dog got sprayed by a skunk (oh yeah, that happened) and when I came home I forgot I’d stuffed my phone in the back of my pants and it fell in the toilet ( I discovered just how attached to my phone I am). Thank goodness for my warrantee. 

I know today was just one of the hundreds of days left in my life that I’ll miss dad, but I really missed him today. Between Jacobs birthday and Father’s Day I’ve really felt his absence. I can still feel his love, but oh man I miss him like crazy. 

I am so thankful for all the time he spent with me, the patience he showed me, the love he shared with me,  and the lessons about how to live in this world that he taught me. Thank you, Dad, I miss you dearly and love you always. 

My happiness moment for the day was sitting at the table eating supper at my cousin’s house. Feeling the love of family around, missing dad, but happiness in remembering the kind of loving, involved dad that he was. 

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