Tag Archives: single parent

happiness

Morning giggles

The day started off with some happiness giggles. Jacob was using google translate to repeat sentences back to himself in English. He said he uses it sometimes when he’s having difficulty reading something in class – I thought this was brilliant problem solving on his part. This morning however he was using it just to be silly. 

As we were heading into town he typed hahahahahahaha into the translator and we were laughing at how silly the robotic voice sounded laughing. 

We turned the corner and ran into our family of deer having their morning meal. They lifted their heads up to greet us while munching away. Jenna started laughing and pointed out they were chewing and opening their mouthes in time to the translator saying hahahahaha. They were! It was the cutest thing to watch. 

My happiness moment, sitting on the road with the two people I love most and enjoying the morning. We are blessed. 

  

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happiness

Stand firm

I actually had a full and deep rest last night – which was a huge blessing as we (finally) had our support hearing this morning.

When I got up I decided to read today’s reading in the devotions book my cousin gave me yesterday.  I figured since it had given me such a strong answer to my prayer yesterday that perhaps I had better check it out before starting a day that I knew would be filled with emotion.

I won’t write the whole thing out again, but the verse was: Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today. Exodus 14:13

The verse contains God’s command to me as a believer for those times when I am confronted with dire circumstances and extraordinary difficulties. What am I to do when I cannot retreat or go forward and my way is blocked to the right and to the left?

The Master’s word to me is “Stand firm”. And the best thing I can do at these times is to listen only to my Master’s word…… 

So, basically yesterday’s orders were to wait and be patient because it takes time for prayers to be answered. Today’s were to stand firm and listen for guidance.

My prayers were answered today and we were granted an order for support. It’s enough that the kids and I can join hands and walk into the new life we are creating. I don’t know where I’m going or how I’ll get there, but I do know I’m on the right path. I feel it in every part of my soul. I am grateful and happy beyond what I can properly express that the judge agreed that we need to be provided for, and that I now have the chance to spread my wings and see how well I fly.

Thank you so much to everyone who has given us so much love and support during all of this. I know there’s more ahead, but I feel like a huge weight has been lifted. I can breathe and start to make plans for our future – and enjoy our present.  Having the comfort of my tribe around me (near and far) is one of the greatest blessings in my life.

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happiness

Learning to surrender

Learning to surrender seems to be my theme over the past year. Not too long ago I had to surrender to God as I watched Dad come to the end of his life. I so wanted a miracle, and prayed for him to get better. But that wasn’t the path, and I was finally able to surrender to God and allow what was going to happen.

As difficult (and incredibly sad) as that was in some ways it was easier than the surrender I am learning to fall into now. I knew Dad was going to die. Surrendering all of that to God felt like being lifted up and held. It provided love and comfort.

I’ve struggled much more during this divorce with the concept of surrender. I sometimes confuse that word with giving up, and I constantly have to remind myself that they have completely different meanings. I get often angry at the thought of surrender (confusing the actions) and think – I am never going to just give up. I didn’t stand up for myself (and the kids) for years, finally I’m strong enough to face this and I’m not going to wave the white flag ever.

But, giving up and surrendering are totally different. I don’t have to give up the path I am on in order to surrender to God.

Giving up means rolling up in a ball in bed and crying. It means no action, no hope, living in suffering, and moving away from the connection with God. It actually sounds much like the way I lived for years in an emotionally abusive marriage. Well, that was an eyeopening and unexpected revelation (maybe you knew it already, I didn’t until I wrote it just now).

Surrender is more an acceptance of what is. By releasing it allows for more happiness, brings me closer to God, and means embracing life as it is.

This has been such an emotionally challenging year. Having Mr. X cut off our finances not even 8 months after Dad died and then finding out he had spent thousands of dollars getting his mistress into bed while telling me he was living on rice and beans was gutting. But it showed me once and for all the person that he is. I couldn’t deny it or make excuses for that behaviour anymore.

Every time I pray for help, for support, for love I keep hearing that I need to surrender everything to Him. And then I fight it. Because I don’t want to give up. But now I understand that I can surrender without giving up. I’m not saying I’ll go gently into it. I think it will be a struggle for the rest of my life this learning how to gracefully surrender. That frustrates me because I have a strong faith and I know that  every single time I have needed Him that God has been there preforming miracles. It should be the easiest thing in the world to have complete trust in the One Being who would never let me down. And yet….

I’m a work in progress

My happiness moment was standing in my kitchen looking out at the barn listening to the song Stuck on You. I used to take my old tape recorder with songs I’d recorded off the radio (remember the 70s and 80s?) and play my songs over and over while I hung out with Pirate in the barn. Some of my best memories are of singing Stuck on You while grooming and hugging on him. He was a one of a kind pony and I feel so blessed that he was in my life. I learned so much about how to be brave and to achieve the impossible from my relationship with him. That was love.

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