Learning to surrender

Learning to surrender seems to be my theme over the past year. Not too long ago I had to surrender to God as I watched Dad come to the end of his life. I so wanted a miracle, and prayed for him to get better. But that wasn’t the path, and I was finally able to surrender to God and allow what was going to happen.

As difficult (and incredibly sad) as that was in some ways it was easier than the surrender I am learning to fall into now. I knew Dad was going to die. Surrendering all of that to God felt like being lifted up and held. It provided love and comfort.

I’ve struggled much more during this divorce with the concept of surrender. I sometimes confuse that word with giving up, and I constantly have to remind myself that they have completely different meanings. I get often angry at the thought of surrender (confusing the actions) and think – I am never going to just give up. I didn’t stand up for myself (and the kids) for years, finally I’m strong enough to face this and I’m not going to wave the white flag ever.

But, giving up and surrendering are totally different. I don’t have to give up the path I am on in order to surrender to God.

Giving up means rolling up in a ball in bed and crying. It means no action, no hope, living in suffering, and moving away from the connection with God. It actually sounds much like the way I lived for years in an emotionally abusive marriage. Well, that was an eyeopening and unexpected revelation (maybe you knew it already, I didn’t until I wrote it just now).

Surrender is more an acceptance of what is. By releasing it allows for more happiness, brings me closer to God, and means embracing life as it is.

This has been such an emotionally challenging year. Having Mr. X cut off our finances not even 8 months after Dad died and then finding out he had spent thousands of dollars getting his mistress into bed while telling me he was living on rice and beans was gutting. But it showed me once and for all the person that he is. I couldn’t deny it or make excuses for that behaviour anymore.

Every time I pray for help, for support, for love I keep hearing that I need to surrender everything to Him. And then I fight it. Because I don’t want to give up. But now I understand that I can surrender without giving up. I’m not saying I’ll go gently into it. I think it will be a struggle for the rest of my life this learning how to gracefully surrender. That frustrates me because I have a strong faith and I know that  every single time I have needed Him that God has been there preforming miracles. It should be the easiest thing in the world to have complete trust in the One Being who would never let me down. And yet….

I’m a work in progress

My happiness moment was standing in my kitchen looking out at the barn listening to the song Stuck on You. I used to take my old tape recorder with songs I’d recorded off the radio (remember the 70s and 80s?) and play my songs over and over while I hung out with Pirate in the barn. Some of my best memories are of singing Stuck on You while grooming and hugging on him. He was a one of a kind pony and I feel so blessed that he was in my life. I learned so much about how to be brave and to achieve the impossible from my relationship with him. That was love.


Time to giveĀ 

 I’ve been feeling really overwhelmed lately. I’m trying not to be, but I am. Then I think of what the last year has brought. A move home, time spent with my dad as he prepared for his death, intense grieving, being cut off my mr x, filing for divorce, discovering absolutely brutal lies and betrayals on the part of mr x, having to figure out at age 45 how to support me and the kids after being home for over 11 years, learning to recover from years spent with a narcissist. Throw in being a full time single parent, helping my kids through their intense emotional feelings about all of the same issues, and helping my mom out, and it’s no freaking wonder I’m overwhelmed. 

I was sitting quietly contemplating this feeling earlier today. What could I do to lessen the feeling of suffocating? Everywhere I turn there’s someone who needs me I thought, sometimes I just want to spend a day in my Pjamas and read a book. But that is not my life right now. 

Then I came across this quote 
“I can’t take it anymore”

“Then give”

Yes. That’s what I need to do. Give. Keep giving. Because that’s always easy to do when one is feeling overwhelmed. Sigh. 

Then as God does, He showed me what He meant. 

The joystick on mom’s chair broke today and I was trying to fix it. My mom has always been a huge support to me, but these last few months after mr x withdrew finances, she and my uncle and aunt have been what have prevented the kids and I from being destitute and homeless. She needed my help (and she’s overwhelmed too) so I gave it 

Then when my help proved to be futile I called the person we all call when we need help – my cousin. Another person who goes flat out around the clock. And without a second thought she was down helping me out (and by helping I mean she fixed it). 

Much as we are all overwhelmed and stressed out, that act of being able to give to someone – kindness, love, money, support- it makes you feel so much better.  Life lesson learned today. 

As an awesome happiness moment we had a community shower today. I am so blessed that I come from his huge tribe of people. It has been such a blessing to be brought back into the fold. The kind of happiness I’m finding now goes deep into the core of my soul. I have freed myself of the fear I lived in for so long and am able more and more every day to embrace the joy and bliss of the life I am living.