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Cheers

One year at our church in Roanoke (well, actually the church was in Salem but close enough) we had monthly family potlucks. They were a wonderful way for families to get to know each other better and share some good times. Some of it was spiritual leadership and some of it was just visiting and relaxing. 

One of the exercises we had to do was fill out the words to the theme song from Cheers 

Making your way in the world today takes everything you’ve got

Taking a break from all your worries sure would help a lot

Wouldn’t you like to get away?

Sometimes you want to go – where everybody knows your name

and they’re always glad you came

You wanna be where you can see – our troubles are all the same

You wanna be where everybody knows your name

You wanna go where people know people are all the same

You wanna go where everybody knows your name

The point of the exercise was for us to realize that the church was our Cheers and that it should  be the place where we could go where everybody knows our name.  What the exercise did was make me homesick for the place where I actually knew people. I appreciated what they were doing but ohhhhh it made me miss the place where people know my name. 

Today I had to take the car into the dealership for a tune up. The dealership is in the southwest part of town – if I actually have to go to Calgary I try and stay at the outskirts. While this wasn’t downtown or East Calgary or anything, it was off my normal path. 

I sat down in the waiting area and saw a neighbor/family member/friend whom I haven’t seen in a few years. We chatted for a while and got caught up on each other’s lives a bit. After she left I sat and thought about how blessed I was that in a city of over a million people I still could run into someone I know almost every time I go out somewhere. Even if that somewhere is off my beaten path. 

After the dealership I went to the natural foods store which is up in the north west. There I ran into a friend I haven’t seen in at least 8 years. I also got to see her boys who have gone from toddlers to young men during that time. We stood in the produce section and chatted for almost an hour. 

How blessed are we to be back in the place where people know our name. Where we are no longer strangers floating about unseen. My happiness moment for the day. 

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Where are you?

We have had many discussions about where to “put” Dad. Again, one more interesting thing about cremation versus burial. With burial you know you have a plot (hopefully), you have a date and time, and you go in there. Much more ambiguous with cremation. There are so many different options as to what to do (or not do) with the ashes once you have them. We are still in the “not do” phase, but eventually we will do something.

Right now Dad’s ashes are in his room and I have made an interesting personal discovery about that. I firmly believed that I didn’t care where his ashes went. I knew where he wanted them, knew where we’d talked about scattering them, knew that Jacob in particular wanted a place to go and “remember Grandpa”. But I felt that for me it didn’t really matter where the ashes themselves were. I believe Dad is with me wherever I go, I feel him when I’m out walking, in the garden, or sitting on the deck. What did it matter where the ashes actually were?

Yet, I’ve noticed something. Every time I go into his room to grab something I stop, turn towards where the urn is and have a little conversation with him. Nothing heavy, but how are you doing today? I miss you, I hope you’re doing ok. And then it usually goes a little off kilter Is this as weird for you as it is for me? I can’t believe I’m standing here talking to you in that little box, yet here I am. And even though I really should be self conscious, I keep on babbling away about what’s going on in my life.

So, maybe it does matter where his ashes are? I was pretty surprised by this revelation. Even when I became consciously aware of doing it I couldn’t make myself stop. Just as I wouldn’t have walked through a room he was sitting in when he was alive and not have said something, I can’t walk through the room where he is now without having a little conversation. Weird as it is, it feels completely natural and it makes me feel happy instead of sad. It actually makes me much sadder to talk (or write) about it than it does to actually do it.

It’s been a whole month since he died. The longest month of my life. It feels like forever since it happened and yet….. it’s only been this one month. How can that be? How can I miss him so much my throat hurts, still not believe he’s really gone – how can all this time of such heartache only add up to one month?

Dad, I miss you. I feel your love still surrounding all of us, but what I wouldn’t give to walk out to the garden and find you crouched over some flower happily taking a photo.

Happiness moment today: I had to go to the library and download some things for my course. In general I don’t mind being unplugged at home (no internet), but once in a while it’s a bit of work to get the things I need. I decided instead of being productive and working I would watch old music videos like this one, and this one (because who wasn’t pounding it out on the dance floor to this beat?), and this one (OMG these guys are hilarious in concert – I’ve never seen a group of grown men have so much fun), and this one (that one especially because he was such a badass and then cried the entire time he was on Celebrity Apprentice). Songs I used to listen to in my early 20s when I never would have guessed I would end up searching for happiness 20 years later. Back then my happiness was easy and obvious. Ride my horse, hang with my friends, be fierce in knowing what I wanted. That me needs to spend some time with present me and remind me of how much easier and fun things used to be. It was a fun couple of hours spent tapping my toes.

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The basket of love

Dad used to talk about how he felt like he was being carried in a basket of people’s love and prayers. In a different way, and with different love and prayers, I have felt the same way about the kids and I over the past few months.

We landed here with our bags, knowing we were here to stay, but knowing that everything else was not only out of our control, but scary as hell. Before  my uncle met us at the airport we were held in our own basket of love. My uncle, aunt, and cousins had worked like mad getting the old house ready for us. This wonderful, perfect for us, old house.

Dad was sick and in the hospital, but he got well enough to get released and to give us two more very precious months with him. Months that changed me forever and although they were painful, I am a better person for walking through this.

God picked up my kids and carried them to the perfect school for us. Not only is it a Christian school – faith being something we all have desperately needed to carry with us lately, but it is small, and we have members of our tribe there. I was able to leave my kids with them with the knowledge that they were safe and loved. And actually, the way they were loved and held onto there when their world here was so sad and uncertain was absolutely amazing. It’s left me with gratitude I can’t properly express. They were safe and they were loved. Not only that but they had fun and learned stuff too!

That basket of love has served us well.

My happiness moment today was sitting out in my yard visiting with my mom. It’s a beautiful day here, the birds are singing loudly, my flowers are beautiful, the vegetables are coming up. The kids were running between houses with their cousins laughing and playing. It’s a perfect summer day. I’m so thankful I get to have visits with my mom. We have been away too long from our tribe. I’m thankful every day we are back in it.

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Emotion soup

I had another one of those *kick you in the gut* moments last night. I felt so blessed and thankful to be at Jacob’s graduation, and for him to have a cheering section of family watching him walk the stage. He’s had that extended cheering section missing from his life for 10 years. I am so proud of him. He’s worked so hard over the past 8 years and it’s sometimes been an overwhelming struggle (for us both). And, here he was graduating from middle school and proudly walking across the stage.

Because it’s a christian charter school, the ceremony involved prayer. At the very end of the ceremony, family came up behind the graduates and laid hands on our loved one as the teachers prayed for them individually. It was so moving and so spiritual, and I was so joyful to be a part of it. And yet…

The last time we laid hands on someone was during Dad’s last communion. The last time we all stood together and held hands in prayer was after he died. Suddenly I had this overwhelming feeling of loss. I was so sad that Dad wasn’t there to see Jacob graduate. He was so proud of him. He loved him so much. He wanted so badly to watch Jacob grow up.

So, I stood behind Jacob bawling my eyes out. Difficult to do with a dress on because there weren’t sleeves to snork into, nothing to wipe my eyes with. So, I just cried. And missed Dad. And praised Jacob for the fine young man he’s turning into.

Gut punch.

Today’s happiness moment: I got stuck behind a little old lady driving the back road into town this afternoon. Driving behind someone slow on a gravel road forces one to drive slow and far behind so as to not eat dust the entire way. Because of this slow drive I noticed that the wild roses are flowering in the ditch. I love those wild roses. This is the best time of the year to be in Alberta.

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The sound of silence. 

Today has been a feel gross day. I’m not sure if I’m sick or if I am just feeling like emotional crap. Either way, the result is the same. Blah. Actually, I’m hoping it’s the result of some emotional junk moving through me from my energy work and my yoga. I’ve started a new session of Healing Light Yoga Therapy, which is restorative yoga and is the most wonderful thing for my soul. But it often gives me some yuck along the way. 

So, I’m dealing with the aftermath of my phone in the toilet. If bad things come in threes, I had it last night with the skunk, the phone, and the barfing kid. I have a good warrantee though and for a couple of hundred dollars, by tomorrow or Wednesday I’ll have a new one. But, for now I live in silence. 

I have discovered that the level of silence I can tolerate is directly related to my level of anxiety. The higher the anxiety the less I can handle total silence.  No noise means having to listen to the small voices that are telling me I’m stuck in a bad place. Since moving home, my anxiety is so much less I barely even think about it. But, I discovered today that I’ve still been filling more silence gaps than I realized. I’ve been doing this by either messing around on the Internet or using music to fill the quiet. 

On the way into town this morning,  Jacob and I were half way in before we realized the car radio was off. When we did, we both commented on how nice it was to enjoy the quiet, appreciate the scenery, and relax into the silence. The sound of silence is a beautiful thing. It’s also where all my big thoughts happen and my profound emotions come from. My moment of happiness today was that drive into town with Jacob. 

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Father’s Day. 

I wasn’t sure how this day was going to be, it’s been about three and a half weeks since Dad died. Too soon to be ok with a day dedicated to celebrating Dads. In some ways it was harder than I expected (they sang Amazing Grace at church. That hymn always does me in). In many ways it was better than I expected. 

Most of the morning I felt like curling up in a ball and just crying. I couldn’t pinpoint my exact feeling but it was generally crappy and sad. My cousin brought us to her church and much as I didn’t want to be there (because it was interfering with my crying time)  it was a good thing to be out and around people.  They were having an end of the year celebration and it was good for me to be around people enjoying life. 

I came home and had a two hour nap, which was also good for my soul. I have been exhausted lately and that rest time helped to recharge me. Dealing with all these emotions is a very tiring process. 

The day finished  with a Father’s Day supper at my cousin’s place with her husband and kids, my mom, aunt and uncle (whom I used to call uncle dad as a child), and a family friend. The great thing about my family is they pick up and take care of each other. 

It ended up being a really enjoyable night. Which is how it should be. I figure as long as we have the ability to feel joy and happiness we should be living it. It was enjoyable even though the Dotted Dog got sprayed by a skunk (oh yeah, that happened) and when I came home I forgot I’d stuffed my phone in the back of my pants and it fell in the toilet ( I discovered just how attached to my phone I am). Thank goodness for my warrantee. 

I know today was just one of the hundreds of days left in my life that I’ll miss dad, but I really missed him today. Between Jacobs birthday and Father’s Day I’ve really felt his absence. I can still feel his love, but oh man I miss him like crazy. 

I am so thankful for all the time he spent with me, the patience he showed me, the love he shared with me,  and the lessons about how to live in this world that he taught me. Thank you, Dad, I miss you dearly and love you always. 

My happiness moment for the day was sitting at the table eating supper at my cousin’s house. Feeling the love of family around, missing dad, but happiness in remembering the kind of loving, involved dad that he was. 

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Bored outta my mind 

Since having kids I have spent hundreds of hours sitting and waiting for them while they’re participating in one activity or another. If this sounds like complaining, it’s not. My mom spent probably thousands of hours driving and sitting while she watched me swim, skate, play tennis and badminton, and by far the biggest time vacuum – horseback riding (which included brutally early mornings and brutally cold weather a great deal of the time). Sitting and watching my kids is my gift to pass down to the next generation. 

But, more than that, I really enjoy doing things with my kids and I love watching them have fun. I think one of my favourite kinds of happiness isn’t one that’s centered around my own happiness, but the kind of happiness that comes from knowing I facilitated happiness in someone I love. 

Today we celebrated Jacob’s birthday. He and Jenna went with their two cousins (aka partners in crime) to Shakers – which is a family fun centre. They spent the day go karting, rock climbing, playing laser tag and messing about in the arcade. They laughed, ran, giggled, sweat, and everything in between.  I sat and watched them and read my kindle. We were there over 5 hours. By the 3rd hour I had hit boredom, but I was so happy watching them have fun that it didn’t matter. The happiness I felt giving them the gift of the joy they were experiencing was so uplifting and gratifying. I love my little monsters and they have brought me so much love that whatever I can give back I am happy to do so. I am so grateful for the time I have to share with them. 

Today’s happiness moment. Listening to those four kids laugh and watching them run and have fun with each other. That’s what it’s all about. 

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