happiness

The power of friends

I spent some time today reconnecting with some girlfriends. We all get busy and have responsibilities and other priorities, but there’s nothing like good friends to make a soul smile.

I’m continuously grateful that we are home and I have my lifelong tribe around me again. It was good for me to learn how to make friends during our gypsy years, but man am I happy we are back where we belong.

Sometimes we need people to help hold us up, sometimes we need to be the ones doing that for others. But however it’s going, we need people we can count on in our lives.

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happiness

Historical preservation day

We set up at our community hall this morning and began our project of collecting community photos.

I had so much fun hearing some of the people come in and share old stories and memories of the hall and early ranch life out here. My cousin and I spent hours looking through old pictures and sharing our own thoughts about how our family has grown and who we are.

I’m so grateful I was able to be part of this process.

Even found an old wedding photo of my parents from 1967 in an old box

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happiness

Know when to fold ‘em

After months of training and trying and praying and hoping, I sold my horse today.

There’s a delicate balance of holding on and letting go. The best and kindest thing I can do for this beast I love so dearly is let him go to someone who is a batter fit for him. It’s really sad since he was to be my heart horse – I had planned on him being in my life for the next 20 years.

The reality is I am a different person now than I was a year and a half ago. What I want is different, and what I am willing to accept and tolerate in my life is different. It’s led me to change several important relationships and this is just one of them.

This last year has been filled with loss and this adds to the grief. But there’s something different forming inside me as well. I’m getting more clear on who I am and what I want.

My heart horse will be going to someone who really likes him and is really good with him. It’s better for him, and it will end up being better for me too. We have the next month together before he begins his new adventure.

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happiness

When trust is broken

I have been living an exercise in broken trust. I was always of the belief that if my trust was broken – severely broken – that I would not be able to recover that relationship. It certainly proved to be true in the case of Mr. X, although he breaks trust and his word at any opportunity he is given so I figured maybe I was being too rigid in my thinking when applying this rule to other aspects of my life.

I realized this summer that my heart horse and I were in a serious breach of trust – he didn’t trust me, and I didn’t trust him. I enlisted some help and have spent the last few months working to rebuild our fractured relationship.

I realized today that even when I really, truly love someone or something, if my trust is broken – the relationship can’t be repaired. The added lesson was that just because I decided to be reliable and dependable doesn’t mean that my partner (horse/person – whatever) will also decide to be the same. And sometime the best thing that can be done for all involved is to just lovingly part ways.

I believe we either live with love or we live with fear. But there are certain relationships that just seem to organically evoke fear – to me that is my intuition telling me that the relationship isn’t the right one for me.

I used to believe love will fix everything. I still believe that -but I add to it

Love will fix everything, but the results may not be the ones we envisioned. Faith lets us know that it’s things are all happening for a greater good. 

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happiness

The Tsunami of grief

We have had the flu in our house the last couple of days, and while I’m glad we had the ability to shut down and get better, it has had an unexpected side effect. Stopping and being sick has given me the time to feel the tsunami of grief I have been holding at bay. I feel like there is a lot of mourning I need to do or haven’t done, but specifically now it’s for my mom. Things have been so busy and stressful since she died I feel like I can barely catch my breath sometimes. Then other times I feel like I should be further along in my grief process – like there is any set timeline for grief!

I have talked several times with a good friend of mine who lost her mom a few months before my dad died. She still gets emotional and says that she is having such a hard time processing the fact that her mom is gone. I guess sometimes the grief just hits hard and sticks around for a while. We are entering the time of the year when mom got so incredibly sick and things were so very stressful and scary. All these memories keep coming back and sometimes it’s just a lot to process – I look for distractions where I can but that’s not always a healthy thing to do either.

However, I look around as we are here – safely in our home. I have two of the most amazing rays of sunshine who live with me, and I know that life does indeed go on. They miss her, I miss her, but we have beautiful memories to share, and many new ones to make.

And having these feelings come up so strongly has made me realize that I need to honour them, I need to set aside time to remember my mom and the gifts she gave me. She was such an amazingly strong person and she taught me so much about myself.

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