Tag Archives: faith

happiness

State of denial

I’ve jokingly said that denial is my new coping mechanism but honestly it’s been a little bubble that has protected me the last little bit.

I’ve been able to extend my state of denial a little bit this weekend as I’ve been away with a friend. It hasn’t been completely effective, and there have been random bursts of tears, moments of holy crap this can’t be real, and shock when I remember mom is gone.

But then I go back into my bubble. It’s not that I’m hiding from reality, it’s just a lot to absorb and I’m honestly pretty grateful I have these couple of days to just be away. We watched a stupid movie tonight and I laughed like life was normal.

Standard
happiness

On turning 47

Three years ago today I started my happiness blog. It was supposed to last 44 days and bring me to a better place inside. Back then I was desperately praying that the kids and I would be freed from the unsafe home we were living in.

In those three years we were granted our miracle, came home, dad died, went through the ugliest divorce possible and lost everything financially (and the kids lost their entire paternal side), and then mom died.

A lot has happened.

This blog has kept me sane through all of that. It has given me a space to sort things out and do some healing. There has been a lot of sorrow, but every single day I’ve found at least one moment of happiness.

Today my moment of happiness is a birthday escape with a friend. There are so many emotions today I’m not quite sure how to handle them all.

Standard
happiness

Saying goodbye

We had mom’s funeral today. It was beautiful, sad, sweet, joyful, heart wrenching. It had all the feelings. It was a service that did honour to mom’s memory, including the most beautiful eulogy given by my uncle.

Last night when we were out with my Ontario relatives, and again today from my uncle (mom’s brother) I was made aware of the common theme that runs on both sides of my family.

Hold your loved ones dear, give whenever you can, never give up, always reach out in kindness, live with grace and dignity.

That was how both of my parents lived, and they were perfectly paired together to express this way of life.

I really, really miss her; but I have this huge sense of peace that she’s with Dad.

I was so worried today that I’d feel so alone, but my tribe surrounded me and carried me through the entire ceremony and reception after. With every deep breath and eye dab I was constantly aware that I was not alone. I was told that, it was transferred in hugs, it was said with sad smiles. I even offered myself up for adoption to the neighbours (they accepted but I think they thought I was kidding. They’ll be surprised when we show up for supper!”

There was so much love in that church, and it was so fitting. That’s how both mom and dad lived their lives. They made close connections to the people around them and offered love and kindness whenever possible.

I am so incredibly grateful for all the love and support from all of our friends and family. That is true soul happiness.

And a bonus happiness is the 18th birthday of my dear nephew. He’s a great kid and now he’ll be a great adult.

Standard
happiness

Come together

My sister, my kids and I went out for supper with my aunt and uncle tonight. They’re my dad’s sister and brother in law and they (along with a few of our cousins) flew in for mom’s funeral tomorrow. There’s something so great about family – even though we are miles apart and don’t spend a lot of time together – we love each other deeply and share so many stories. It’s the good part about funerals, it brings everyone together. There were a few great moments around the table as we laughed. There’s always a silver lining.

Standard
happiness

Helping Hands

I screwed something up a couple of weeks ago – not just a small screw up but a rather royal one. I’ve been needing to fix it, which will be hours of work, but life took me in another direction.

This morning I had an email from a lady I know but don’t know well and she offered to take my mistake and fix it for me. When I went to her place to hand her my things I found out she hadn’t even realized mom had passed away. She just knew I was under a lot of stress and reached out to help me.

The kindness of others is so amazing and powerful. I feel so blessed. Honestly, I have been really struggling with this blog the last few days. I don’t want to find the happiness in a moment right now. I want to be mad at God and feel sorry for myself. But things like what happened today remind me that there really are moments of happiness everywhere, and that God always gives me what I need when I need it.

Standard
happiness

Look alikes

All her life my sister has rolled her eyes and said yes, I know I look like my mom. We have some sort of cloning factory out here – it’s funny how one generation duplicates its looks onto the next one (my grandpa, uncle, and cousin are prime examples).

Today my sister sent me this photo

and said now you can never say you don’t look like mom. And she’s right. Even down to the surly little mouth turned up. It may be the only time we have looked the same, but in this instance it’s spot on. Lots of memories being shared today – happiness inside the tears.

Standard
happiness

Holding each other up

Today was the emotional day of making arrangements for mom. It’s amazing how exhausting that is – it seems like we were just in those offices making arrangements for dad.

However my sister, brother in law, myself and mom’s caregiver made the best of a stressful situation. I don’t know what we would have done the last couple of years without Heather. She quickly became part of the family and she’s become so important to all of us. I particularly appreciated her being there today and jokingly referred to her as my rented husband who I leaned on for support.

We all need to work through this grieving process together. Together it makes an unbearable situation bearable. It’s not joyful, but it’s deep seated soul happiness being surrounded by my tribe

Standard
happiness

Dancing with the angels

Early this morning, Mom put on her riding boots and walked out to the pasture in heaven to grab a horse and go for a ride. I hope she’s dancing with dad, riding her horse, playing with her dogs, and having tea with her parents and all the other loved ones who have been waiting for her. She’s free, she’s saved, she’s at peace.

This has been an impossibly difficult couple of years.

For those of you who knew my mom, I don’t have to explain what kind of a woman she was. She was the strongest, bravest, kindest woman I knew. She defied the odds her entire life. The surest way to make sure she would do anything was to tell her she couldn’t. You will never walk again – walks. You will never be able to go to school – goes to Stanford. You won’t be able to have kids – has kids. All our lives we were taught to not let little things like that’s impossible  get in the way of anything.

Mostly she taught us what love was. She worked hard to give us the best life possible, and one of her greatest lessons was that my sister and I need to be friends, that we will be each other’s allies all of our lives.

All day long family and friends have been calling, texting, and emailing us. So many people loved mom, so many people love us. Thank God for this tribe. I had one cousin drop off a huge bag of chocolate to keep my energy up (haha), and another one invited all of us over for supper and a visit. I knew mom would be so happy to see us all coming together. Happiness, it’s found even in sad moments.

One of mom’s caregivers showed me this poem the other day. I keep thinking that as we were saying goodbye, there was a group of loved ones saying hello.

We love you mom.

Gone From My Sight

I am standing upon the seashore. A ship, at my side,

spreads her white sails to the moving breeze and starts

for the blue ocean. She is an object of beauty and strength.

I stand and watch her until, at length, she hangs like a speck

of white cloud just where the sea and sky come to mingle with each other.

Then, someone at my side says, “There, she is gone.”

Gone where?

Gone from my sight. That is all. She is just as large in mast,

hull and spar as she was when she left my side.

And, she is just as able to bear her load of living freight to her destined port.

Her diminished size is in me — not in her.

And, just at the moment when someone says, “There, she is gone,”

there are other eyes watching her coming, and other voices

ready to take up the glad shout, “Here she comes!”

And that is dying…

Standard
happiness

Unconditional love

I remember when I was younger I’d hear people talk about unconditional love and I couldn’t understand why they made such a big deal out of it.

It wasn’t until I was much older that understood that I had been raised in a house that was fueled and filled with unconditional love. I had the safety of knowing that no matter what I did or how I behaved I was loved. So it became the way I learned to express love as well.

And now as I sit here with mom I am thankful again for the gift of her love. When I came home and I was so broken mom gave me grounding so I could find my footing again. She gave me love so I could feel safe. She gave me support so I could look after my kids. She gave and she gave her love unconditionally and I will be forever grateful for her.

We did a family communion here at the hospital this afternoon. Those rituals being such peace and after we cried and smiled as we shared stories and memories of mom. She’s had quite a remarkable life. I am so grateful for the support of our tribe as they gather around us in person and virtually. It brings happiness and peace.

Standard