Tag Archives: faith

happiness

Walk away from the past

So, I’m on day 2 of my “give in to grief” for the rest of the month of February. Shit I wish I’d done this years ago – I didn’t because I thought it meant I would be lying around doing nothing and feeling sad, so instead I pushed myself to the limit and accomplished less than I wanted and was still sad.

Here’s the interesting thing about accepting that I’m in a state of grief. I woke up this morning and my mind raced with all the things that needed to be done. I said to myself that instead of being overwhelmed by the pile of my life that got heaped up over the last 6 months (longer really) that I was just going to do what felt right and I was going to look after myself.

I accomplished more today than I have in ages. And I had a nap. My kids said tonight that it was the first time they had seen me looking genuinely happy in months.

Go figure.

I was in our local crystal shop this evening and I said to the lady working there that I wanted a light shone on my path so I could get a better idea of where I’m going and what I’m supposed to be doing. She told me that instead of focusing on where I want to go I should be focusing on letting go of my past so I can walk into the future that is waiting for me.

Damn it, she’s right.

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Fine for February

After dad died, one of mom’s friends told her that anytime someone asked her how she was to reply I’m fine (fine meaning Fucked up, Insecure, Neurotic, Emotional). We used it as a coping mechanism, and I found myself using it again after mom died.

My dear friend Asrael reminded me today that it’s ok to take time to grieve. I realized I’ve had 7 major, traumatic events happen in less than 3 years and I’ve not had time to process much of what has happened. I can feel the effects of that in both my body and my soul now. I literally have nothing left to give.

I’ve been pretty angry with God and this morning as I was having a pissy fit about how I was just going to turn my back on him – the boy reminded me that my faith is what defines me and I can’t give that up. It was pretty powerful to hear him say that to me. I mean if that’s how he sees me, and he spends so much time sorting out his own spirituality, how can I give up on that?

So, I’m going to spend the rest of the month feeling all the feelings and reflecting on and assessing what is truly important.

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At C, spook right

I completely understand being afraid of things that are scary, but what really grinds my gears is when I’m afraid of things that I really love and actually want to do.

I had planned on just lunging Drishti today and slowly working my way back to being in the saddle (because the last 196 days haven’t been long enough) over the next week. But then I was there, and he was there, and it was quiet, and I decided that I’d had enough of being afraid of doing things I love.

It wasn’t easy though.

I parked him beside the mounting block, climbed up the steps, and then stood there and cried for about 15 minutes. Poor horse looked at me like I was crazy. All I could think was he was green to start with and now he’s had 6 months off – I’m in terrible shape – if I fall off no one knows I’m here. So I fixed that by sending a picture of me staring at my horse to my friend. There, at least if I was never heard from again someone would know where I was and that I died doing what I loved (ugh).

After a while I realized I wasn’t going to be able to get on using the mounting block. Heaven forbid I take the easy path. So I lowered a stirrup a couple holes and climbed on the old fashioned way. Good thing I was too busy focussing on not dying so I forgot I didn’t have enough strength or mobility in my left arm to do what I was asking. But I did it, I got on, he didn’t freak out, we went for a ride.

I schooled him, we did circles, serpentines, and then suddenly out of nowhere C turned into a monster and he had a massive spook at it. Why C? Why not! I was riding English this time and I was quite pleased to discover I still know how to hang on in that saddle anyway.

I love riding, it does something for my soul that nothing else can do. I can’t even explain the feeing except that it is what bliss feels like. I am so grateful that I found my Drishti, when I’m with him the stress of the world vanishes and all there is just happiness.

He had a big happy roll after

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Love is the best way

The boy forced me out of bed this morning and made be go to church because, as he put it,  I needed some Godding in my life. I really didn’t want to go, but I sucked it up to make him happy (seriously, what teenager forces their parent to go to church?)

I’m glad I went, even though I sat in the back row and cried the whole time. I thought 2015 was the year I cried in public – turns out it was merely the year I learned how to cry in public. The topic of the sermon was love is the best way and I needed that reminder. When fear is so tempting a road to take, love is still and always will be the best way. I need to remember that when I’m tired, lonely, scared, angry – love is still the best way.

We watched the Super Bowl tonight. Even though the Patriots lost and the boy is crying it was still a fun game. He loves that team and it brings back for all of us the good memories of living in New England, and there were quite a few of them. We had some good times and good friends there. Sitting between my monsters as they yelled at the TV was a moment of great happiness for me.

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Sleeps and stretches

The weather here was pretty gross and the roads were horrendous, so I canceled my errands and had a home day. It was awesome and pretty soon I’ll get out of my pjs to get into new pjs for bed – I consider that a win.

I’ve been so tired lately and I haven’t been able to sleep properly in months. For some reason a couple of nights ago I started to sleep and now my body doesn’t want to stop. Last night I slept more than 12 hours.

I got out my franklin balls this afternoon and did some much needed stress management. In fact, I have decided my February goal is to meditate and morning page every day and that’s huge for helping with my stress.

For the first time in ages I feel at peace with my life. It is well with my soul.

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Angel at the gate

This morning was a really rough one for me. As soon as I woke up I wanted to cry- it’s been two weeks now since mom died and I am finally processing some of those emotions. The time between when dad died and when mom did were really tough ones for her – she missed him so much, her own health was failing, and she put in so much energy helping the rest of us deal with our sorrow. There just are so many feelings to sort out and let go of.

What I wanted to do was go back to bed (always the safest option), but I had a full day of things to do so we hit the ground running. As I was waiting for the gate to open so we could leave the yard I noticed an Amazon package stuck along the side. I ran out to grab it, silently praying it wasn’t something mom had ordered that was going to make me cry again. It wasn’t. It was a gift of love and joy sent just for me.

For the last few months I’ve been studying at the Health Coach Institute and they knew about mom’s passing. They sent me this beautiful angel and a thoughtful note to go along with it.

I needed that little gift of love, that reminder that the world is still carrying on and that I need to be part of it, that I have got this.

Good thing because the afternoon involved an emotionally gut wrenching appointment with my girl. As long as the reminder that the love is there to balance out the scary monsters under the bed,  it all seems doable.

On the way home from that appointment we passed 3 bald eagles sitting in the field having some sort of feast (best not to look too close). A reminder of strength, grace, and home.

Thank God for our tribe. The love and support the kids and I have been receiving is what is holding us up. Pure happiness.

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Hidden Easter Egg

After Dad died it seemed like we couldn’t get the “sick” out of the house fast enough. Even so, it took a long time to forget how Dad was “sick” and begin to remember how life was before that. The situation with Mom is a little different though, and it almost feels like a reverse in emotions.

We had to take her wheelchairs and lifts back to the mobility store today. Some of the items she’s had well over 20 years, and the new wheelchair she got after Dad died made her life so much easier. But this time it was really hard to pack these things up and take them out of the house. It’s one more step out of the little bubble of denial I’ve put myself into. I had the thought as we were loading things into the car how will mom get around the house when she gets back if her chair isn’t here? Then… oh, yeah. Crap.

Fortunately Heather came with me. Thank God for Heather, what would we have done without her the last couple of years. She was essential for mom, but she became a good friend and family member to all of us. There’s something about having been through something so raw like caring for Mom and then having her pass away that really makes you realize there’s no point in having up any boundaries – so we have had some pretty deep life conversations.

And then when we were dropping off the chairs and the emotion felt like it was so thick we couldn’t breathe, the man lifted up Mom’s seat and a chocolate Easter egg fell out. I swear, that woman hid chocolate everywhere. I am finding little stashes all over the house – which makes sense since I also have little chocolate stashes in my house (and car, and purse, and backpack).

Even in the moments where all I want to do is cry, there are little sparks of joy and happiness. I guess that’s life.

I ran away later for a few minutes of horse aromatherapy. I hadn’t seen my boy in a couple of weeks, I was pretty sure he thought I’d sold him and he was allowed to just sit in a field and eat hay now. But he came walking up to me as soon as I got to his field. Just standing with him for even a few minutes helped balance me and open my heart up a little bit more.

That face ❤️

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Family time

Today was the first day in weeks that the kids and I have had to ourselves. We’ve needed the support and the people surrounding us with love, but today we needed to be just us.

We talked out some feelings, shared memories, laughed, cried, and cleaned the house (holy what a mess it became).

As an introvert it’s really important for me to have quiet time to recharge and I feel like I had some of that today. I’ve let myself get out of balance, I need to take better care of that.

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Mom’s rock

This afternoon my sister, Heather, and I took a walk out to mom’s rock to spend some time with her memories. Before she got polio it was where she would go and sit and be still with the universe.

When we were kids my sister and I used to sit out there too.

We stood and looked at the view and shared stores and let out feelings.

I realized today that although people have died in the house (both my grandparents, and my parents only days after leaving the house), that everyone also lived in the house. Generations of my family have lived here, gathered at the table, laughed, cried, and loved.

I feel so fortunate that this is home.

Mom’s rock covered in snow, and the happiest dog in the world.

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The presence of fear

The presence of fear is a sure sign you are trusting in your own strength

I can always tell when I’m living a fear based life because that’s when things start falling apart. As soon as I think I am in control, as soon as I think I can only depend on myself (or worse, someone else) shit hits the fan.

When I can turn it over to God, connect to my Source, trust in the power of the universe, then suddenly things fall into place. Maybe not in the way I would have liked, but in the long run it always turns out even better than I could have imagined.

I’m sitting on a plane getting ready to return to my regular life after a wonderful escape weekend with a good friend. I needed this time to rebalance myself and catch my breath. And now I have to figure out how I’m going to face the reality that my life has changed forever. Even though I thought in many ways that I’ve been preparing for mom’s death for years – it still kicked me in the gut and felt like it all happened so fast.

When I got to my seat I turned on my kindle and started a new book – The Universe Has Your Back – and one of the first things I read was this:

I know this is true. I have had huge miracles happen in my life because I chose love instead of fear. Love and trusting in my faith saved my life and got us out of a dangerous situation, it got me home, it got me Drishti, it reconnected me to my family and friends.

The presence of love will always cast out fear.

I watched this happen with Mom just two weeks ago. I saw her give it up to God, I sat with her as she came to a place of peace. The very last thing she said to me and to my kids was I love you.

The power of love is always going to be stronger than the power of fear.

I know there are changes I have to make in my life, but this is the first one and the most important of all of them.

Always choose love. Always.

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