Tag Archives: faith

happiness

Love letters

I was looking for printer paper in the filing cabinet at my parents’ house today and I came across some unexpected treasures. Apparently my parents wrote each other little love notes over the years, and they kept them in a file next to where the paper was stored. It was so unexpected it took my breath away and I had to stop and spend the next hour looking through their messages of love.

My parents had their issues like every other couple did, but at the heart of it they were two halves of a whole. They loved each other fiercely, and as a result they loved us all unconditionally. I’m so grateful for that because it taught me how to love fiercely and unconditionally as well.

As I looked at their photos and little love moments I was reminded that although I miss mom terribly, in many ways it feels more “right” that they are back together again.

Today was one month since she died. I can’t believe it’s been so long, I can’t believe it’s been only a month.

I went to my cousin’s for supper tonight and as the family laughed as we played Apples to Apples I thought how fortunate I am that we are surrounded with love.

Laughter makes everything seem so much more bearable – it’s the perfect antidote to sadness. I’m lucky I’ve got someone who makes me laugh, who is helping bring my smile back.

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happiness

Espresso and flowers

I had errands to run today and for some reason the boy volunteered to come along with me. Once we were sitting in the Italian Centre and he was sipping his espresso I understood why. Italian food con aside, I was really glad he came along with me – we haven’t had much one on one time lately and when I’m with him I get to really hear what is going on inside his head. As he was telling me about all of his life issues, questions about God and the Universe, and his favourite kind of food I realized how grateful I was that we have such a close relationship. It’s been a lifetime (his) in the making – but it’s exactly what I wanted when I had kids.

When I got home I was tired and kind of feeling bleh (please not the flu) and the girl met us and said that my cousin had been by and dropped off some flowers to cheer us up. I needed those flowers, it’s gross out and I’m feeling emotionally exhausted.

Thank goodness for this tribe.

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happiness

Mediate on that

I promised myself when February began that I would add three things back into my morning routine: daily reading from A Course in Miracles, journaling in my Morning Pages, and meditating. I find them all extremely difficult to do, but the rewards are huge.

Today I had one of those meditation sessions that makes it all worth while. When the connection is so blissfully intense and the stress just falls off.

Even after only a couple of weeks I’m noticing a difference.

The kids and I have decided to meditate together for lent. Instead of giving things up, we are adding to our spiritual practice – and we all need that right now.

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happiness

Tears of sorrow, tears of joy

Today has been a crying kind of day. It started when I got home from dropping the kids at school and I thought It’s Valentine’s Day, I should go over and visit with mom – I know this day is hard on her and she misses dad.  Then I remembered and I went to bed for an hour and cried.

I kind of got my crap together for the rest of the day, but then I got the mail this evening. It was filled with sympathy cards and letters for my parents (both of them!) like they’re still alive and reading their mail. So then I cried again.

But it wasn’t all sadness. People are sending letters and emails and sharing their favourite memories of my parents with us. More than anything what stands out for me are the people who really, truly loved my parents. And they all say the same thing – they loved my parents because of how my parents loved and shared their lives with them. There’s a consistent theme too that these people love us and are holding us up as we cry.

I mean, really and truly, I expected to feel so alone in this, but everywhere I turn people are reaching out in love.

And so I go back to my thoughts on living a fear based or a love based life.

I’ve already seen what happens when I make decisions based in fear. It hasn’t worked so well for me.

I feel like we should watch Inside Out tonight and have a real emotion explosion. My soul sister watched it today – it’s a powerful movie and it reminds me of how sadness and joy need each other.

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happiness

Celebrate Every Child

About a year and a half ago I had this moment of Divine Inspiration. I wanted to start up a program that would give a birthday party to a child who, because of family or life circumstances, wouldn’t normally be able to have one. My idea was that every child deserves to be celebrated – and even if it was just one day of the year that they were reminded how special they are – that could possibly be a life changing gift.

This idea spoke to my heart in part because of some of the kids I taught who weren’t celebrated anywhere at any time. If ever a big deal was made out of them you could see their eyes light up and their souls smile. It’s important that kids feel like they’re important and that it’s worth celebrating their existence. The other reason had to do with our journey back home. If my family hadn’t held us and helped us and loved us, we would have been completely destitute when Mr. X closed our bank account and wished me and the kids well. Not everyone is so fortunate to have a tribe step in and I feel it’s my duty to pay that forward.

I had volunteers and our church backing me, so much support was in place, and then my life kind of crapped itself. But now I’ve realized I’m back in a position to give again. So, I met with a friend today (who was the lady that took my idea to the powers that be and got me the backing I needed) and she told me whenever I’m ready to go that they are too.

Before that I had the most uplifting chat with a healer-friend. It’s amazing how when we shine our lights, light shines back.

The interesting thing about not running from the pain and fear (which is what I want to do), is that I feel the love even more strongly.

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Ghost of Christmas future

I’ve had a visit from my ghost of Christmas future. It wasn’t as dramatic or disturbing as what happened to Scrooge, but it was effective nonetheless.

It is weirdly motivating to have a glimpse into what could be my future if I don’t keep working at healing and getting stronger. It made me remember that my energy is sacred and when I give it away to the noise and chaos I get drained.

My energy is sacred.

And I can’t waste it.

I look at my long to do list and it’s mostly full of things I need to do to make other people happy – to meet their needs and requirements.

I wonder what would happen if I just didn’t do them and instead filled up that list with things that move my soul.

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Transformation time

The girl and I did our first day of our 90 day transformation program today. We have some things we want changed, and now seems like the perfect time to do that. We are already in such a state of change, it makes sense to start creating life the way we want it now. I’m excited, and I’m happy I get to do it with her. I need to change some things, I am tired to the core of my soul.

I got home this evening after a much needed visit with my soul sister and had to stop for a minute in the -29C night to take a look at the stars. It is such a beautiful and clear night. I love where we live, I love our tribe – I don’t know what I would do without either.

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When the universe listens

A couple of weeks ago I told the universe what I wanted – what I would like to have happen in my life if money wasn’t an issue. I didn’t see how it would be possible, because it felt like money would be an issue – but when miracles happen they don’t always come the way we imagined they would.

I had a conversation today with someone who is already living the vision I had, and who possibly could use my help to keep it growing.

So cool. So exciting. So hopeful.

Tonight a group of us went out and laughed our asses off. We were loud and inappropriate and had so much fun. One of the other ladies lost her dad a couple of days before my mom died so we even shared tears and laughed about the weird grief things we were doing. I have missed having people to go out and do things with. It was awesome.

It realized today as I was driving around looking at cows that I am living exactly the life I prayed for. It’s all here. Sure, some things are missing, some aren’t precisely how I’d like them to be – but mostly I am living the exact life I prayed I’d have when things were at their darkest.

Cows and kids.

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Focus on my Drishti

I need to spend more time with my horse, he is my Drishti in every sense of the word. He is what balances me, connects me to the Divine, brings me peace and joy, and reminds me that miracles are possible.

In yoga when you focus on your Drishti, the chaos and noise of the world vanish and through your pose you are able to connect to the Source of all that is love. That focus is what brought me to him, that is what he does for me now.

I’m trying to sort out what I want for my life – how do I want it to be? Who do I want to be? It needs to be very intentional moving forward. I feel like I’ve made most of my life decisions based on what will make other people happy. Now I need to figure out what makes me happy and live life that way.

Nothing is permanent, nothing is guaranteed, but I am determined to fill my life with people and moments that bring me joy. If this very second isn’t the moment to experience bliss then when is the time? What if tomorrow doesn’t come? I can’t put off my own happiness, and I won’t do that to my kids – they need to learn how to embrace life too, they’re watching me.

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