Tag Archives: faith

happiness

Honey and ginger

I would have thought the boy was mansick today, but since I’m also dragging today it must be the real thing.

Since it’s Sunday and there’s 40 feet of snow outside we took advantage of a quiet day. I actually got a lot of studying done and a little bit of organizing – it’s time to purge all the things I don’t need again.

The sick treat of the day was honey and ginger – my favorite home remedy for feeling under the weather. And a little On Guard just for good measure.

I had a fun text time with a cousin who shares the same view as us. We often text each other when the skies are beautiful or the moon is out so we can share the moment. Today our shared moment included immense gratitude for where we live. We are blessed.

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Stop for an owl

We are having a crazy amount of snow come down today, which seemed fitting since we had appointments all over the place to deal with mom’s estate.

I am so grateful I’ve got my sister to walk alongside me in this process. I don’t know what I’d do without her, it helps we can grieve together, we share a lifetime of memories.

On the way home at the end of the day, the kids and I got stuck behind a tractor. Fatal error because I’m impatient but there was too much snow for me to get around him. And since I was on the backroad, and we were probably related to him, I couldn’t even complain (too much).

But because we were going slowly, we noticed an owl sitting on the side of the road. I love owls and so do the kids. So we stopped and watched him for a while. It was beautiful and peaceful – exactly what I needed after an emotionally exhausting day. There is happiness everywhere

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Trust in him

Trust is essential and as I’m learning to trust myself again  I know that self trust is only one piece of the pie. I need to trust in myself, trust in my Higher Power, trust in others, and trust in the process of life.

Trust in others has often been difficult for me – partly because I didn’t trust myself enough not to put my faith in those who aren’t trustworthy- but trust is something I did learn to do as a small child, out in a field, on the back of my horse.

In order to make the horse/rider relationship work the way I like it to, we both have to trust each other with our lives. And I have to do this all the while knowing that either one of us could make a mistake that could cause injury or worse. Yet we trust and we go. We have to. Of course, you need a horse who is safe and sane and a rider who is the same.

Thank God for Drishti, he’s helping me rebuild my trust and faith in myself and I’m learning to trust him as well (even when he’s a turd).

I wish this process was more unicorns and rainbows, it feels like it should be more unicorns and rainbows. Instead it’s a lot of tears and pushing through fear and praying nonstop that I’ll make it through to the other side. But the other option was to stay where I was before, and that would have destroyed me. If you’re going through hell, keep on going.

I remember when I got Rolex years ago and he was (also) a total turd. When I would go to get on and put my foot in the stirrup, he used to bend his head around and bite my butt. Then as I was hauling myself up into the saddle, he used to bolt across the arena bucking. This was what I did for fun y’all.  But it also kind of feels like life – I held on and learned to make him listen to me, and once we got each other sorted out we were an amazing team. I used to jump him over 5 foot oxers with my arms straight out at my sides, his head completely free, me praying like mad that I’d survive. We trusted each other. Trust is an essential step on the road to happiness. I need to trust again.

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Little girls on surly ponies

I had tea and shared stories with an old friend. I have known her since we were little girls on surly ponies. So, even though we hadn’t sat down and visited properly in years we know the core of who each other is and that makes picking up again so easy.

I love it because although we have each been on our own bumpy and winding paths, we have been on similar journeys to find ourselves and our soul purposes. And I love talking with people about their soul purpose, their dharma, the thing that makes them come alive, and how they’re going about making it come together in their lives. It helps me figure out what mine is.

I actually left our conversation with the beginnings of a few ideas rattling around in my head.

I am so grateful we are home as I am surrounded again by my tribe. I have such a deeper appreciation for these people now than I did before I left here for our gypsy years. I need the love and support, the laughter and tears, the knowledge that I am with people who know who I am because they’ve known me forever – but who also let me learn and grow.

I need more moments like that one. It helps balance my soul and realign my focus on what is important.

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Back on the ridge

It was finally decent enough I could get back out on the ridge with my Dotted Dog. I had forgotten how important it is for me to have that quiet time – it is when I connect to the Divine in a completely different way.

I actually feel much better now, I still have no idea how we will make things work, but I have faith that it will work out. I have been looked after every step of my journey and I can’t believe God will just stop now.

It felt good to get back out in the sunshine again – in the world and inside my soul.

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My tired heart

Today my heart is tired and sad. I’m working hard at forgiveness, but again it really is hard to forgive someone who not only isn’t sorry but who is actively trying to destroy me. All I know is I have to. I must keep working at it. I have to do it for me, I have to do it for the kids. I don’t want them living under the the black cloud of his hate anymore – it’s too much.

There are always little rays of sunshine in my dark days. Today when I wanted to just lie down and cry I went and focused on my Drishti.

I just want to squish him all the time

My kids spent the afternoon and evening with their aunt and uncle – my extra parents and their extra grandparents. It was cooking lesson time with Auntie Crazy and some of the cousins. They came home full of smiles and pizza.

Thank God we are home and we are safe. We have our tribe and we have each other – that is happiness.

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It’s a small world

I had a parking lot goods exchange this morning that made me feel like I was doing a drug swap, but really I was just buying farm eggs from a lady I met on one of the Cochrane Facebook groups. After she contacted me to tell me she had some eggs I could purchase, I looked at her profile so I could recognize her and all of her photos included Mom’s Heather – the wonderful lady who looked after my mom for the last year and half. The “egg lady” is Heather’s best friend and we had no idea who each other was until I looked at her photos. There really is a small degree of separation between us all and I love it when the Universe randomly  brings us together like this. We chatted and laughed in the parking lot, and as I drove away I realized it had been a Happiness Moment, and that in fact I’ve been having Happiness Moments all along, I’ve just been too sad to see them.

Something awful happened to one of the members of my tribe earlier this week. Their poor family has literally been to hell and back over the last couple of years and the last thing they needed was another tragedy. I had a WTF moment with God wondering why they had to deal with yet more pain and I tried to figure out why it had happened to them. The best I could come up with was who knows, it was totally random. But, what I did realize was that I never once questioned whether or not they were being punished for something, or if God had forgotten them, or if He didn’t love them – I know this isn’t true – they are awesome people and live life being kind and honest.

And then I realized that if that was true about them, then it was likely true about me too. Sometimes I get really angry with God because I feel he’s forgotten me or is punishing me. But if I don’t feel that way about them – and the crap they’ve dealt with over the last few years is at least as bad as mine if not worse – then why should I feel that way about me and my kids?

And if you are dealing with a crappy situation in your own life the same thing is true – we can’t always understand the painful things that come our into our lives, but it in no way changes the value you have as a person.

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Someone to talk to

One thing I discovered in my years living away from home was that I had kind of taken my built in tribe of people for granted. I hadn’t done this intentionally, but I’d always had a close group of people I could talk about the things closest to my heart and I didn’t realize how difficult it was to find that.

It’s important to have someone to share the ups and downs of your life with, to laugh with, but also to share your deepest secrets and dreams with – someone who is there in your corner to hold you up when you’re feeling down.

Something I’m beginning to realize is how very lonely a lot of people are out there. We seem to have set up our society in a way that isolates people more than it brings them together. It makes me realize how important it is to have people who are close and with whom I want to share laughter, tears, and heart secrets. I want to grow old with good friends who love and trust each other, and who will laugh about how badass we think we are.

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Integrity and grievances

I’ve been slowly working away at the stack of things to do that have piled up over the last few months. I have absolutely no regrets about how I prioritized my time, but it doesn’t change the fact that I have a lot of catching up to do.

Something that kept playing in my mind as I was working this morning was how my dad used to talk about integrity. My dad lived with his heart on his sleeve, and it was important to him that people trusted him and that they understood that if he gave his word it was good as gold. He talked to me often about how you needed to live life with integrity – you had to be able to look yourself in the mirror at the end of the day and be ok with the choices you made and the way you treated people.

And not only did he talk the talk, but he walked the walk. I learned from him not because of what he said, but because of how he lived his life. In fact, I was surprised after he died how many of my friends sent me messages telling me of times in the past when they had troubles and they’d called my dad to come help them out. Most of these I never even knew about. He was reliable, dependable, loving, and while not perfect – always did his best to show up for the people he loved.

Now that I am rebuilding my life I have the chance to figure out how I want to be in this life. I need to live with integrity as well. I have little people watching me and learning how they need to be in the world too. That’s a huge responsibility, but it’s an honour as well – that’s how our family values get passed down. They need to learn to love fiercely and unconditionally, and to be dependable and forgiving.

Forgiveness.

That’s something that keeps popping up in my life right now. The idea that I can’t be truly happy, truly at peace, truly free, while I’m holding onto past grievances. It was driven home last week when the boy informed me that he had decided he was going to hate his dad for as long as he lived. While I totally understand his sentiment, I don’t want him spending the rest of his life with that blackness in his heart.

Unfortunatly it seems the only way I’ll be able to teach them to forgive is to do it myself. I have a few issues with this. First off, it’s really difficult to forgive someone who isn’t sorry – who in fact seems to feed off our pain and suffering. There’s also a certain element of fear attached to the thought of forgiveness – in the past every time I have forgiven him he’s come back and hurt me 100 times worse. I’m still not totally sure how to forgive someone who continues to cause pain.

But, it’s necessary. It’s necessary for me, and it’s necessary for the kids. I need to learn how to do this so that they can as well. I figure how he treats us is his karma, but how we respond is ours. I can’t talk about making love based decisions when right I am living a fear based one.

I wish my dad was here. I miss talking with him. I miss him for my kids, I miss him for me.

On the way home, the girl took this photo – it’s like God’s hand holding light over our house

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Energy boost

Today started week two of our 90 day transformation program – this week we are working on energy. Good timing too since I feel like all I say lately is I feel like I am tired to the core of my soul. We all have our action plans and it will be interesting to see how the week progresses – I’m really excited, we all need a little life boost.

I keep falling back to thinking it’s too much ama or not enough ojas, but really I think it’s mostly just total depletion.

In celebration of Family Day I took the girl and her cousin out for what likely is the last toboggan ride of the year. It was so pretty out (and at close to 0 not unbearably cold), and I loved hearing the girls scream in laughter. They have so much fun together, and I love watching the cool teens revert back to little kids as they fly across the fields. I love my family dearly and it’s nice to have a day just to enjoy them, but family time is important to us so we do spend a lot of time together in real life.

There is happiness to be found in every moment if you remember to look for it.

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