It’s the night before the boy writes his first diploma exam. We are at the half way mark of his last year of high school.
He’s nervous, but there’s a lot of peace in knowing he’s qualified and accepted into his program for next year already.
But still exams are stressful.
Also stressful in a different way is realizing he’s about to head off into the world. My role in his life will change, and I’m so grateful I’ve had the privilege of watching him grow into this amazing human.
I was offered a chance to ride today – on the same horse that gave me the meltdown earlier this week.
This time I wasn’t filled with anxiety, I didn’t think he was going to flip on me, I wasn’t so insecure I could barely ride. What a difference a few days makes.
I’ve found with all the crap that has happened over the last few years that I’m more afraid of things than I used to be. But I’m also aware that I’m stronger than I ever thought I was. So as long as I just keep swimming, I know I’ll get where I need to go.
Horses have always been the best way for me to work through my emotions and reflect back to me the best and most difficult parts of my life.
Conquering my fears here is helping me gain confidence in other areas of my life as well.
It was our monthly 4H meeting tonight. I’m so grateful my kids got involved in this club. I loved Pony Club and got a lot out of it, but 4H is amazing in a completely different way.
They’re organizing and preparing their speeches for communication day which is coming up soon.
It’s been fascinating to see how they’ve grown and gained confidence over the last year and a bit since they’ve been part of this club. Life skills that they will use forever.
I rode a different horse in my lesson today. This one was very similar in height to Drishti and apparently it brought out all the fears I had stuffed down inside.
When I got on I commented to my instructor that I was feeling a little nervous, but we kept going and I was fine. After about 15 minutes we stopped so she could explain something to me and I burst into tears. Not just a couple but a whole river leaked out.
And she said that makes perfect sense, you’ve experienced trauma. And I thought haha you have no idea
So finished crying and then kept riding. And I felt so much better.
Earlier today I was reading about grief and how you have to cry all the tears you need to before you can be done. If you have 24 tears to cry, then crying 17 isn’t enough
I have tears left to cry. So much changed so quickly. Dad died, I got divorced, the boy got sick, I fell off my horse and broke my shoulder, mom died, the girl got sick, I sold my horse. And in all that we were still processing the trauma from Mr. X.
Ignoring the feelings isn’t the solution. Feeling the feelings and allowing them to move through and release – that’s the solution.
How you do one thing is how you do everything. Horses have always been my spiritual healer.
I took the kids to see Aquaman tonight – it was a… yummy…. movie to say the least.
Our holiday time is coming to an end. We put Christmas away, and the kids are getting ready to go back to school. There are so many mixed feelings. This time last year we took mom to the hospital for the last time. As we enter next couple of weeks, there will be lots of memories, tears, laughs, and mourning. It all combines together.
But there sure are a lot of gifts she left us. The boy has been talking so much lately of how much of her time she gave him. The gift of time is precious. She always let him know he was important to her, and he holds that memory now as he moves forward in life.
The boy was really missing his nana today. As we come up on the first anniversary of her death, we seem to miss her even more.
We watched Father Brown tonight. I’ve never been allowed to watch it before as it wad their special show. But today he wanted the company and to share the memories.
Loss is hard, but love pulls us through. Always.
We had some huge news in our family today – the boy got accepted into his program of choice for next year! I still can’t believe he’s old enough to graduate, forget start his adult life – but I’m so proud of him and he’s going to do so well!
He was happy dancing all around the kitchen this afternoon when he got his letter. He really needed this win – we all did. It warmed my heart to hear him say that he now can see all the dreams he’s had for his future coming true.
We kicked off the new year by going to see spider man in cochrane today. The movie wasn’t quite what I expected, but it was cheap day, and it wasn’t bad. It was a good, easy, fun way to spend a couple of hours.
Last year was such a difficult year for us all, I’m looking forward to a fresh start this year. It’s time to bring laughter back to our lives.
I wasn’t sure how I was going to handle Christmas this year – my first one without mom.
Turns out it was a lovely day. Different, sad in some ways, but it was a very meaningful Christmas.
The kids and I spent a lot of time talking about mom and dad, sharing memories- but we also made new ones and really relaxed into the present moment.
And we were surrounded by our tribe which made it all happier and more filled with love. What would we do without our tribe? I am so grateful for these people.
Everyone has their own struggles, the joy and sadness mixed together. But as long as love is the main theme we will all be just fine
And as an addd bonus we are all full of grandmas Christmas sauce
