Tag Archives: love

happiness

Pink

For the last week or so I’ve been on a huge Pink kick. I kind of forgot how much I like her music, but I downloaded a playlist on Spotify and it’s all we’ve been listening to – in the house, in the car, in our heads. I feel like she wrote the soundtrack to my life.

Today as we were driving to Calgary we played Trouble as loudly as the car speakers would let us and garnered some rather curious stares from the other cars as we went down the highway singing and car dancing and laughing.

I swear that woman is the best cure for sadness.

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happiness

No people

We had one of those rare days where we didn’t have to people. It seems like we are always needing to go whenever or do something.

And while there’s always plenty to be done, I think it was good for our souls to take this day.

Dad’s birthday is coming up, our first Christmas without mom is coming up. I feel like we are being overpowered by memories – good and sad – and sometimes we need to stop and let them settle.

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Nutcracker movie style

We took the kids to see the Nutcracker movie tonight. I was a little apprehensive, but I ended up loving the movie.

Something else I love is how he wants to do family things. With his kids, with my kids, all together – it’s awesome. Even better that everyone gets along and it’s super easy.

I have a tendency to make life super hard, so I really appreciate when I’m able to relax into something easy that is good for us.

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Montana’s and laughs

We went for a family supper to the new Montana’s in Cochrane. It has been a long time since I enjoyed a meal as much as I did this one.

Our server was amazing. He was funny, good at his job, personable, and made sure our whole evening was full of laughs and good food. John was his name – if you go ask to be seated in his section.

There was also a balloon and magic man who kept kids all the way from my 17 year old to the toddlers at the next table entertained with his shows.

We spent 2 hours there – not because the service was slow, but because we were enjoying ourselves so much. This is how a meal our should be. Laughter, conversation, and good food. I’m feeling very blessed.

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Know when to fold ‘em

After months of training and trying and praying and hoping, I sold my horse today.

There’s a delicate balance of holding on and letting go. The best and kindest thing I can do for this beast I love so dearly is let him go to someone who is a batter fit for him. It’s really sad since he was to be my heart horse – I had planned on him being in my life for the next 20 years.

The reality is I am a different person now than I was a year and a half ago. What I want is different, and what I am willing to accept and tolerate in my life is different. It’s led me to change several important relationships and this is just one of them.

This last year has been filled with loss and this adds to the grief. But there’s something different forming inside me as well. I’m getting more clear on who I am and what I want.

My heart horse will be going to someone who really likes him and is really good with him. It’s better for him, and it will end up being better for me too. We have the next month together before he begins his new adventure.

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Open the door

I had a meltdown with a friend today about how I never seem to get the messages God sends me. I ask and ask and I know an answer is being provided, but I miss it or misinterpret it, or possibly ignore it completely. I was wishing the messages could be delivered directly and without confusion.

I had a riding lesson this evening, I was to ride a school horse so that I can work on my own riding and get my confidence back, and not worry about what the horse is doing. Since it was my first school horse lesson I got there a bit early because I had no idea what to do, where to go, or what horse I would be riding.

I was sitting in the aisle texting the same friend my lesson is late, am I here on the right day? What if she forgot me? What if someone else has a lesson instead, should I just go home? How long do I wait? 

Then a lady came out of the arena and walked up to me and said Are you Melissa? and I said yes. She told me I was wanted in the arena.

So, the instructor and the horse were waiting in the arena for me. Literally all I had to do was open the door and what I was looking for was right there.

How many times has this happened in my life? I said to my friend -that’s my life in a nutshell right now. What I want is right there, I just miss the message and forget to open the damn door.

The lesson was awesome by the way. I left feeling so much happier in my soul.

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Family day in the mountains

We had a meeting of the kids today in Canmore. There’s never a for sure good time to do that – but the time was right and the day was perfect.

On the way home the kids expressed what an amazing family day it was. We certainly are our own complete family unit, but there is room for more love and for our family to expand as well. I’m feeling very grateful.

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When trust is broken

I have been living an exercise in broken trust. I was always of the belief that if my trust was broken – severely broken – that I would not be able to recover that relationship. It certainly proved to be true in the case of Mr. X, although he breaks trust and his word at any opportunity he is given so I figured maybe I was being too rigid in my thinking when applying this rule to other aspects of my life.

I realized this summer that my heart horse and I were in a serious breach of trust – he didn’t trust me, and I didn’t trust him. I enlisted some help and have spent the last few months working to rebuild our fractured relationship.

I realized today that even when I really, truly love someone or something, if my trust is broken – the relationship can’t be repaired. The added lesson was that just because I decided to be reliable and dependable doesn’t mean that my partner (horse/person – whatever) will also decide to be the same. And sometime the best thing that can be done for all involved is to just lovingly part ways.

I believe we either live with love or we live with fear. But there are certain relationships that just seem to organically evoke fear – to me that is my intuition telling me that the relationship isn’t the right one for me.

I used to believe love will fix everything. I still believe that -but I add to it

Love will fix everything, but the results may not be the ones we envisioned. Faith lets us know that it’s things are all happening for a greater good. 

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The Tsunami of grief

We have had the flu in our house the last couple of days, and while I’m glad we had the ability to shut down and get better, it has had an unexpected side effect. Stopping and being sick has given me the time to feel the tsunami of grief I have been holding at bay. I feel like there is a lot of mourning I need to do or haven’t done, but specifically now it’s for my mom. Things have been so busy and stressful since she died I feel like I can barely catch my breath sometimes. Then other times I feel like I should be further along in my grief process – like there is any set timeline for grief!

I have talked several times with a good friend of mine who lost her mom a few months before my dad died. She still gets emotional and says that she is having such a hard time processing the fact that her mom is gone. I guess sometimes the grief just hits hard and sticks around for a while. We are entering the time of the year when mom got so incredibly sick and things were so very stressful and scary. All these memories keep coming back and sometimes it’s just a lot to process – I look for distractions where I can but that’s not always a healthy thing to do either.

However, I look around as we are here – safely in our home. I have two of the most amazing rays of sunshine who live with me, and I know that life does indeed go on. They miss her, I miss her, but we have beautiful memories to share, and many new ones to make.

And having these feelings come up so strongly has made me realize that I need to honour them, I need to set aside time to remember my mom and the gifts she gave me. She was such an amazingly strong person and she taught me so much about myself.

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