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Stampede breakfast at the Hall

Every year our community hall throws a stampede breakfast and all the neighbours (most of whom are related) come out and have a long overdue visit. The kids and I have been fortunate enough the last two years to have been able to attend this community function. 

Communities aren’t the same as they used to be, or maybe it’s that we have been the new people in so many communities over the past few years that we missed the sense of belonging. But in this community, our community, most of the families have been here forever (which in Alberta terms is just over a hundred years). So, even when there are faces I don’t recognize, I can still figure out who they are by asking a couple of questions. 

I had some lovely visits with family and neighbours today. I feel like some of these people I wait a whole year to see at the breakfasts. Sad since we now live so close (hopefully this changes and I will see them more often) but it shows how important these community events are because we need to see each other.

My happiness moment today was when my Mom arrived at the Hall. She came a little later than we did, so I was already sitting at a table when she came in. I was in a position that I could see not only her, but the expressions of people around her. The smiles and love and warmth that radiated out of the family and neighbours as they watched her come in was overwhelming. This community of tough and strong ranchers also has so much tender love to give. The love and support on their faces as they welcomed her into the crowd is exactly why we need to be around our tribes. 

I had a bonus happiness moment today. My cousin and her family from the Yukon came over for a visit this afternoon. I haven’t seen her since 2007 and I’d never met her kids.  I love the family tie that can bind you together even when years and time may keep you apart. 

We went out for a walk and I saw my favourite flower, the wood lily 

   
The lily on the right is actually a conjoined twin flower. There are two complete lillies on one stem. I’ve never seen anything like that. Pretty cool. 

 

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In the midst of a storm. 

We scattered Dad’s ashes today. We have some saved for one more area, but most of them went in his most beloved places around the ranch. 

How blessed Dad was that he had so many favourite spots all so close to his house. We live in a beautiful area and I have a lifetime of memories of walking over a hill or just glancing west and saying look at that view. Isn’t it amazing here?  

He’d told us a few places he wanted to be scattered and today we went out and tried to honour his wishes. 

Of course after days of 30C weather and a beautiful, sunny day; when we went out there were storm clouds blowing all around us and thunder crashing to the north and the west. But, in the midst of the storm where we stood together it was calm enough to do what we needed. 

There in the midst of the storm we quietly and lovingly said our prayers and sang our goodbyes and sent out our love to Dad. 

How lucky we are that we have each other. Blessed that we had Dad, blessed to have each other to walk through this with, blessed to have this beautiful area to walk our goodbye. I’m not doing so well with the goodbyes, but I’m  thankful I have these people to do the goodbyes with. The love and the shared memories will bind us together. 

I was thinking as we were doing this that its no wonder I and millions of people before me have stopped and dedicated life to figuring out the meaning of life, why are we here? Where do we go? What becomes of us? Because if all we are is just reduced to those ashes then it’s hard to see the point of it all. 

I am grateful for my faith because I believe that there is something after life. The curious and impatient human part of me would really appreciate knowing what that is. Again, a time when being able to call Dad up on the heaven phone would be useful. He could answer all those questions for me.  Is he still Dad and watching over us? Does he still know he’s Dad? Does he remember life here? 

Those are my questions, but I think I would also like to know for him – is he happy? Am I on the right path to discovering my spiritual truth? Was it scary? 

At the end of the day, for me, it all just comes back to faith. I have to believe that Dad is more than those ashes. That the part of Dad that made him Dad is still an energy being somehow and somewhere. Something that shines as brightly as Dad’s soul did can’t just cease to exist. 

The happiness moment was celebrating Dad’s life and remembering walking and talking with him in the areas we chose today. I miss him so deeply but I’m so thankful to have known him and to have had his unconditional love and strong guidance. 

One of Dad’s favourite places along the ridge. We walked there together many times.   

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Emotion soup

I had another one of those *kick you in the gut* moments last night. I felt so blessed and thankful to be at Jacob’s graduation, and for him to have a cheering section of family watching him walk the stage. He’s had that extended cheering section missing from his life for 10 years. I am so proud of him. He’s worked so hard over the past 8 years and it’s sometimes been an overwhelming struggle (for us both). And, here he was graduating from middle school and proudly walking across the stage.

Because it’s a christian charter school, the ceremony involved prayer. At the very end of the ceremony, family came up behind the graduates and laid hands on our loved one as the teachers prayed for them individually. It was so moving and so spiritual, and I was so joyful to be a part of it. And yet…

The last time we laid hands on someone was during Dad’s last communion. The last time we all stood together and held hands in prayer was after he died. Suddenly I had this overwhelming feeling of loss. I was so sad that Dad wasn’t there to see Jacob graduate. He was so proud of him. He loved him so much. He wanted so badly to watch Jacob grow up.

So, I stood behind Jacob bawling my eyes out. Difficult to do with a dress on because there weren’t sleeves to snork into, nothing to wipe my eyes with. So, I just cried. And missed Dad. And praised Jacob for the fine young man he’s turning into.

Gut punch.

Today’s happiness moment: I got stuck behind a little old lady driving the back road into town this afternoon. Driving behind someone slow on a gravel road forces one to drive slow and far behind so as to not eat dust the entire way. Because of this slow drive I noticed that the wild roses are flowering in the ditch. I love those wild roses. This is the best time of the year to be in Alberta.

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Father’s Day. 

I wasn’t sure how this day was going to be, it’s been about three and a half weeks since Dad died. Too soon to be ok with a day dedicated to celebrating Dads. In some ways it was harder than I expected (they sang Amazing Grace at church. That hymn always does me in). In many ways it was better than I expected. 

Most of the morning I felt like curling up in a ball and just crying. I couldn’t pinpoint my exact feeling but it was generally crappy and sad. My cousin brought us to her church and much as I didn’t want to be there (because it was interfering with my crying time)  it was a good thing to be out and around people.  They were having an end of the year celebration and it was good for me to be around people enjoying life. 

I came home and had a two hour nap, which was also good for my soul. I have been exhausted lately and that rest time helped to recharge me. Dealing with all these emotions is a very tiring process. 

The day finished  with a Father’s Day supper at my cousin’s place with her husband and kids, my mom, aunt and uncle (whom I used to call uncle dad as a child), and a family friend. The great thing about my family is they pick up and take care of each other. 

It ended up being a really enjoyable night. Which is how it should be. I figure as long as we have the ability to feel joy and happiness we should be living it. It was enjoyable even though the Dotted Dog got sprayed by a skunk (oh yeah, that happened) and when I came home I forgot I’d stuffed my phone in the back of my pants and it fell in the toilet ( I discovered just how attached to my phone I am). Thank goodness for my warrantee. 

I know today was just one of the hundreds of days left in my life that I’ll miss dad, but I really missed him today. Between Jacobs birthday and Father’s Day I’ve really felt his absence. I can still feel his love, but oh man I miss him like crazy. 

I am so thankful for all the time he spent with me, the patience he showed me, the love he shared with me,  and the lessons about how to live in this world that he taught me. Thank you, Dad, I miss you dearly and love you always. 

My happiness moment for the day was sitting at the table eating supper at my cousin’s house. Feeling the love of family around, missing dad, but happiness in remembering the kind of loving, involved dad that he was. 

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Visiting time 

It has not been three months yet that we have been home, but every day that we have been here I have given thanks for being back home. We had some extremely likely years while on the road and I am so grateful that we now have people close by we can visit with. 

Today we had some lovely visits and it served as a reminder of how blessed we are to be back in the fold of our tribe. 

Jenna had a friend over – which is a big  deal. Even though we are home, she is still the new girl and it takes some time to make school friends. I loved watching them run up and down the field laughing and having fun. 

During her play date, I went up to my cousin’s place and we sat and had a little visit. Although we live within yelling distance of each other, we don’t seem to have enough chances to sit and catch up on each other’s lives. 

Later tonight a cousin from my Dad’s side came out to spend the night. She is here with her daughter from BC for a dance competition. Because of my Dad’s illness and death, I have seen her every week for the past three weeks, and before that it has been years and years. So wonderful to regain that connection and strengthen that relationship. 

Happiness moment: having loved ones to sit and visit with. It sounds small, but it’s a huge freaking deal. In fact, being with loved ones is what it’s all about. 

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Leave no one behind. 

I remember thinking several times in the weeks before dad died that there were some big things going on here and I’d better remember them. Well, considering what a pivotal point in my life it was, it is amazing how many things I have forgotten or blocked from my memory. I’m glad I’ve been trying to write some of it down. 

One thing that has really stuck with me is how my mom behaved when my dad was sick. She later told me that when dad got his diagnosis a few years ago that she told him he wouldn’t have to go through this alone. She said she would stand by his side and hold his hand through all of it. And that she did. 

She went with him to hundreds of treatments, doctors appointments and lab tests. She lay awake beside him at night making sure he was comfortable. She grabbed a hold of his hand at the beginning of this journey and never let go. Ever. 

I learned a lot about how my family treats sick people watching the final months of my grandma’s life 11 years ago. She was loved and cared for right up until the end. There was some family always around her, and at the end she was brought home to my parents’ place (her old home) to die. My uncle and aunt made sure care was provided for her and her hands were held in love the entire way through her journey. 

It was the same with my dad. Mom made sure someone was always with dad; that he didn’t feel too alone and scared. He didn’t go to hospice until the day before he died and I think of that time at home with him that last week as being a very difficult time, but one where I learned how incredibly strong and loving and courageous my mom, my sister, and I are. When the people you love are down, you reach out and hold their hands.  No matter what. I learned this from walking this path with my mom. 

There have been times in my life where I have been down and stuck that hand out for help only to have that hand trampled on and discarded. It’s easy to pull that hand back in and stop trying to be connected. But, this experience has reminded me of the importance of having those people in my life whose hands I can hold through it all. What a blessing. Having the courage to hold someone’s hand through the hard times, even when you know it will lead to heartache is one of the most courageous and difficult things you can do. 

Tonight we went out to Montana’s for supper before going to Jurassic World. Jacobs birthday is next week so this happened and trust me, it was the happiness moment today. 

   

 

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The simple things 


My Dotted Dog loves chasing anything with wheels. The lawnmower is one of her favourites because she can get so close to it and really give a few good growling barks. I don’t know what it is that she thinks she would do if she caught it, but she sure loves the noisy chase.

Her appreciation of this simple thing personifies my happiness moment of the day. We spent the afternoon cleaning up the yard. Jacob mowed the lawn, I dug up the flower bed, Jenna pulled out the hammocks, and Dottie chased the lawnmower. It was all so simple, and yet so satisfying.

Our vegetable garden is starting to come up. As I was digging my flower bed I was looking over at it and remembering when it was put in. It was the Mother’s Day weekend and Jacob planted it with his uncle while his Grandpa watched. Three generations focused on that garden. Dad loved to garden – both vegetable and flower. I miss digging in the dirt beside him while he figured out exactly where he wanted everything. It brought him so much joy. But it brings me joy too – and this year we will have an awesome garden. Full of beautiful memories.  Lovely in it’s simplicity.

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Tribal Counsel

Today was actually the most normal I have felt in a week. Normal is all relative, but it was normal none the less. I only cried 128 times today so I consider that a success. I only thought of 32 things I wanted to go tell Dad about.  I’m getting better about just stopping and telling him anyways, hoping that wherever he is he hears me. 

Today some of our family from Dad’s side flew in for the funeral – which is tomorrow. We sat at a big table and caught up on each other’s lives, listened to them tell stories about Dad and also different generations of family, laughed, and shared being together in this bittersweet way. Because we didn’t grow up near them we never know enough about them. 

But because of that family bond, sitting at our tribal counsel tonight felt easy. By the way the spelling of counsel is done with intent. Dad was a lawyer, mom also practiced law, one cousin at the table tonight is in practice with his dad – my dad’s brother. Law runs strong in the family. 

Again today I was reminded of the power of love, the strength of family. People who pull together and dig deep to be there for each other no matter what. The people who leave their busy lives to love and support their loved ones when times call for it. I feel so grateful to have so many of these people in my life. People who I also support and hand hold through good times and the rough ones too. 

I don’t know how tomorrow will go. But today I feel so happy and blessed to be a part of my tribe of people. 

Sitting at the table giggling with the relatives. My happiness moment for  the day. 

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The beginning of the aftermath of crisis. 

When we were in crisis mode I had the overwhelming feeling that we were the only people in the entire world to be going through a crisis. I was the only little girl (at the age of 44) who was about to lose her dad ever. We had a wonderful support team around us, yet at times it felt so all encompassing and lonely. 

Even then the rational part of me knew we were hardly the only ones facing a crisis, and how even during our storm we were held onto by so many loving arms. 

Here’s what I’ve noticed in the beginning of the aftermath of the crisis. Those feelings of being so alone are gone. We are holding each other up. We are held up by our tribe. And coming quietly out of the woodwork is the support of the others. Those who have already lost a spouse or parent. 

Before I had kids people may have tried to warn me of the pain of childbirth. I’m sure even if they’d graphically and accurately described it I would never have believed that such a pain exists and you can live through it and see better things. These others who have survived the death of their loved one come silently behind us and hold our hands while we work through the pain. They are proof you can make it through. They understand that pain that you can’t describe. 

The tribe we have has circled around us and enveloped us in love and support. I am so grateful for the amazing people we have in our lives. God put us right in the middle of a very strong and loving support system. 

The messages I have received from people telling stories about how dad impacted their lives has let me know that he was this powerful force of love to so many other people as well as to us. 

All of these people slowly and quietly holding us in a nest of love. How grateful I am. 

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Photographs

On a very difficult day I had my happiness moment when  we sat down, the three of us left from the original four,  and went through old pictures. In his later years dad picked up photography as a hobby and was so very talented. It was fun to see pictures of the old days. To remember how he looked before he got so sick.  It was nice to just sit and share memories of a man who had such a profound impact on our lives. I miss you dad. 

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