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Sunday supper

It’s been years since Sunday supper was a thing in our household. A lot of the time it felt like we spent the evening preparing for the stress of the week instead of celebrating the end of the weekend. 

Since coming home again, we have had a lot more occasions to celebrate weekends, or Holidays, or sometimes just Tuesdays. 

Tonight we had an impromptu family supper up at my cousin’s place. It was more like a feast actually – roast beef (beef from the cattle they raise with tender loving care) and all the fixin’s. Easy and fun conversation around the dinner table with grandparents and aunts and uncles and parents cousins and kids. We had the  whole multi generational thing going on. 

We are so incredibly blessed to live where we do with the family and love and support wrapped securely around us. Being safe and happy in the arms of our home. My happiness moment today. 

Home is where my heart is.   

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True love 

 

Today my happiness moment was watching Jenna cuddle with Abu the Cat. Jenna has waited forever to have a cat she can snuggle with and carry everywhere. 

These two are great friends and a great match for each other. Abu came to Jenna at a time when she really needed someone to hug and cuddle with whenever she wanted to. I’m grateful for both Abu and Aladdin. 

Seems fitting on national cat day to have my happiness moment be about a cat!! 

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Boot to the head 

  
Poor little Jenna came to the car today in tears. She’d been hit in the eye with a frisbee and was sore and upset. Of course the first thing that went through my brain was boot to the head from the Frantics. 

Because most funny things in my brain go back to thr Frantics, Kids in the Hall, or Mr. Bean. I can’t look at a pie, hear the word areas, or stand in line (is this the line? I’ll bet you’re the line) without bursting into uncontrolled giggles. Boredom often leads me to pinch peoples’ heads, and everything else is Mr. Bean. 

Poor Jenna. I did get myself together and give her the sympathy she needed though. 

Yesterday I blogged about  security and confidence and how important it was that our little house is feeling more settled and safe all the time. Jenna told me that as soon as she got hurt, her first impulse was to run into the school and see if her aunt (my cousin) was there. She said I know she’s always at school and I knew she would make me feel all better. I wanted to be with my family. Someone who loves me. 

And that is what this is all about. Living in a way where we have our tribe around us knowing that we are safe and cared for, and that we can make others feel the same. 

That was my happiness moment. Jenna feeling  that wherever she is here there is someone who has her back and will give her a kind hand. We aren’t made to go through this life in isolation and I’m so grateful that we don’t have to anymore. 
On a different note, Dad died 5 months ago today. I don’tknow how I feel about that, but I feel like it bears noting. Miss you Dad xoxo

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Potato patch

This garden has been a great source of joy for us over the summer. I can’t believe the time has already come (and we are pushing it) to take the last veggies out to store for the winter. It does not seem like that long ago that Jacob and my brother in law planted while mom and dad supervised. And yet, it seems like a life time ago – because Dad was still here with us.   Next year we will be better at weeding… next year. Given all that was going on this year I’m still pretty happy we managed to grow anything. It never would have happened at all if my brother in law hadn’t given the gift of his time and energy to dig out the garden for us.

My happiness moment today was digging in the garden with my kids. It was great to come together for this chore that didn’t end up feeling very chore-like. I was impressed at how strong Jacob is – he can do such a better job than I can of digging down to find the potatoes. Listening to Jenna’s giggle every time she found a potato to put in the pile brought a smile to all of our faces. What a great day!

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Pie and ice cream

Tonight we had a dinner party at my mom’s house. It was the first gathering of laughter in the house since before Dad died. A much needed, long over due time for laughing and sharing.

That house has always been a great house for gathering friends and family. From the time I was a young child I remember people coming together in Grandma and Grandpa’s (now Mom and Dad’s) house for tea, for visits, for fun.

When we would have supper in recent years it was usually finished off with a bowl of ice cream. Never were my sister and I so lucky as kids to have ice cream for dessert on a regular basis, but somehow becoming grandparents turned my parents (my dad in particular) into an ice cream eating machine.

Part way through supper Dad would look at one of the kids, point his fork at them and while shaking it up and down say “someone better go set the ice cream out on the counter”. Always one, usually more, kids would jump up and run out to the garage and grab the many varieties of Mackay’s Ice Cream that lined the shelves.

We didn’t eat any ice cream at the dinner table this summer. It just didn’t feel right.

Tonight loving, dear friends of Mom and Dad cooked and brought out supper to share with us. They along with my cousin and her family, my mom, and my family joined around the supper table for some good food, some story sharing, some laughter, and some pie and ice cream. It was a supper that would have made Dad so happy. He would have loved to have been here to enjoy it with us, but I know he is happy that we joined together anyway and celebrated. My cousin-in-law took one for the team and sat in Dad’s seat at the table and he did so with class and finesse. It was fitting.

What an act of true friendship-kindness from this couple whom my parents love so much. It was so incredibly thoughtful and so timely of them to have a dinner at our place. The laughter and joy that belongs in that house was brought back and the mood was light and free from the sorrow of the past few months. Fitting too that it was shared with my cousin and family as they are an extra daughter, son, and grandkids to my parents and siblings to us all. More people who needed to share in the joy of the occasion. The happiness moment today.

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The good, the bad, the happiness in between….

Today I have been in a real pisser of a mood. I’m not sure what has made today any more spectacular in the bad mood department than any other day, but the feeling is here and it’s real.

There’s a couple of specific things that are irritating me, nothing that isn’t a first world problem, but irritating nonetheless. While I was away my cousin discovered that my furnace isn’t working – which means we have no heat. Perhaps not a big deal in some places, but it was snowing here when we landed on Saturday and it’s been cold and crappy since then. Today wasn’t bad, but the old house didn’t seem to know that and held onto the bone chilling cold of the past few days.

Because of this I’m tired, I need to sleep in my own bed, covered in purring cats. The purring cats and the lonely dog agree with me – they’re not happy that they’re alone at night.

Jenna was home sick today. While that’s really a poor Jenna thing, I managed to make it about me and was all I never ever get any time to do the things I need to do. My course work is so neglected because I’m always running around after people and I never have a freaking moment’s peace.

I had a massage today. I have found a wonderful woman who not only is working out all the tension and the anger and sad emotions that I’ve been storing in my hips (see where this is going?) but she knows how to release my jaw so that pretty soon I will actually be able to chew food on both sides – and maybe even not walk around with it clenched all the time. What a blessing that is!

I’m pretty sure she hit my anger button today as she was releasing things and it has just about sent me off the cranky deep end. The good thing is after all the work I’ve been doing I know this is just a feeling and that it will pass. Sometimes I can separate from that feeling and just allow it to work itself out of me – which is what it needs to do.

So, as I’ve been observing (and sometimes actively participating) in these pissy feelings I’ve come back to the intention of my blog. Happiness. Thank goodness I decided to follow 44 days of happiness last January when I turned 44, and I’m even more grateful that I decided to continue looking for a moment of happiness in every day since then. Because even with all the trials and tribulations of this year there has always been a moment of happiness in every day.

The flip side of my cranky feelings of today are these:

This wonderful, old, loving house we live in. I love it, the kids love it, it has been home since the moment we walked in the door. For some reason the past few days I’ve when been talking to people, I’ve told them the story of the miracle of how we returned home. This old house was empty and when I was home at Christmas time there were no appliances, the rooms were boarded off, there was no working toilet and it was just not in good shape. When I called on a Monday and said we were moving home I asked if it was possible for us to move into that house. By Sunday when we arrived, my cousins and aunt and uncle had cleaned the house, put in temporary furniture, bought some basic groceries (cheese and buns for that boy of mine), put appliances in, and even left a huge bar of chocolate. My Dad let me use his old car  so I was able to get around, and after he died my sister let me use her old car that she had been in the process of gifting to Dad.

If ever I doubted that miracles happen, the wings that lifted us up and brought us back home have convinced me that we are very much loved and very much supported and that with love absolutely anything can happen.

While my furnace isn’t working my mom has very graciously opened her doors to the kids and I to crash here. We can be messy and annoying and loud and she has been so kind about letting us stay here.

So, when you compare all that love and kindness and support to something as insignificant as the furnace not working – the scales are definitely tipped in favour of the happiness, loving, wonderful side.

Every time I have gotten frustrated today at being overly needed by kids and have groaned inside about it, they have either said something funny or come over and given me one of those awesome kid hugs followed by I love you mom. There is no better feeling in the world than that. I would never, ever trade being needed and loved for being alone and unnecessary. I consider those two my greatest blessings. Again, no contest – the happiness side of that coin is the winner.

As an aside, I spent a great part of the day angry about the fact that I’d lost my headphones. I had racked my brain trying to figure out where I had left then and finally I was forced to come to the conclusion that someone had broken into the house and stolen them (yes, only them – they had left everything of value and not messed anything up, but stolen them for certain). I found then in my backpack just a little while ago and did a little dance of happiness.

I’m so thankful for my happiness project and how it continues to steer me in the direction of joy, peace, bliss and happiness. I’m even thankful that these pissed off emotions are working their way through me, because the other option is that they stay stuffed in my hips forever and that’s not desirable.

My happiness moment today was watching Jenna walk across the room holding Aladdin. She holds him like a baby and from the front all you can see is a big ball of fur snuggled into her chest. She walked past me and he had his arm around her back giving her a huge hug. He loves that girl so much and spent most of the day cuddled up with her helping her feel better.

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Fearless in love 

I know that one day can be just like any other, and that  it is us who attach meanings and emotions to certain days. But what the mind knows, the heart still has its own feelings about. 

Mine anyway. 

Today would have been my parents’ 48th wedding anniversary. It was another one of those first occasion days we had to get through. Already it’s been Jacob’s graduation and his birthday. This one was harder because it was a day honoring mom and dad. But without dad. 

Mom and I went to Banff with Jenna and my niece and nephew. It was a great escape day where we were hugged by the mountains and our souls were held in love. Hard as it was, it was wonderful to see this loving group of people reach out and surround mom and walk with her (and me) through this day. 

  
Yesterday I was reading an old email from a forever friend who lost her mom earlier this year and her words are so honest and raw and beautiful I often go back to read them. 

Here’s a small excerpt where she’s talking about what it means to love:

 Love, is one of the forces in life that leads all of us directly into suffering, because we will ultimately lose every person and everything that we love.  

After dad died, MOM is the one who taught me to be fearless enough to love anyway,  without conditions, and take the great risk that loving HER, would break my heart. 

I love that her mom taught her to be fearless enough to love anyway. That the great risk we take in love is knowing that you will lose everything that you love. 

And yet what is the alternative? To go through life with a closed heart that never lets the love shine through. What a painful and empty existence. 

It is important to remember to be fearless in love. To be brave enough to keep loving even though you know you will be hurt. 

No matter what I will wake up each day and look for the things that make my soul shine. I will keep the intention to let my love shine and to be fearless enough to keep loving. That is something I learned from both my mom and dad. Love and look after your loved ones. No matter what. 

Happiness moment was walking main street Banff with a group of my loved ones. Watching the love surround Mom today to hold her in a love hug. Knowing that she is still fearless enough to love anyway. We are blessed. 

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That Dharma Thing

I firmly believe we all have those things that we shine at. Things that we must do, that bring us joy, that make our soul sing because we know that we are doing what it is that we were put here to do. 

Some people know what that thing is from an early age and have the faith, the support, and the courage to do it no matter what obstacles are thrown in their path. Others of us are plagued with self doubt and fear and it takes us a bit longer to get on that path. 

If I could have a life redo I would go back in time to those moments where I wanted to follow a dream and I listened to the negative voices either from others or from inside my head who told me that I shouldn’t. The voices that said I wasn’t good enough, not deserving, or that the dream I had wasn’t ever going to be a reality. 

The first thing I would do is not listen to the voices that made me give up riding. Should it have mattered that I was being told that I would never make a living at it (I could have), that it would never give me a secure future (nothing about my future so far has been secure anyway even though I gave up and tried to take the safe path), that I needed to find a real job and grow up? Had I had the kind of self esteem I now wish for myself  and for my kids I would have never heard the external doubts and I would not have had the internal ones. 

Somehow I took all those messages and decided that my value as a human was based on what career path I would take and the amount of money we could produce. So I took a career that I didn’t really want and when I gave it up to be a full time mom (which I love) I became devalued again because I wasn’t doing something that was producing money. Forget all of the things that I actually do as a mom, there is no value to that. So then I struggled with the strong feeling that I was doing what I was meant to do, but also held the false belief that it had no value. 

Today we went out for a long ride through the fields. It just brings peace to my soul. I have a confidence when riding that I am just now learning to bring to the rest of my life. On a horse you need to be confident enough to have faith in what you are doing, and stay humble enough to know that you are a part of a team – and that the other half of your team is much bigger and stronger than you – you must work together through whatever comes up. A good way to walk through life. With humble confidence. With the knowledge that I am following my dharma. That I am good enough just because I am me and that I know I’m doing the right thing because I feel it in the depths of my soul. 

That is happiness. 

Here is a photobomb of happiness. Johnny the horse having a moment of FOMO (fear of missing out) and peeking through the fence as I took a picture of my niece. She rode today with Jenna and me, and it was so heart warming to see those girls giggling and enjoying their horses in the same fields I used to spend hours in as a child. Pretty sweet for me to enjoy this time on Princess the boy horse. 

  

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The change room. 

I have a love/hate relationship with Dad’s change room. When I walk in there it’s like time has been suspended. All of his things are still there – waiting for him to come use them. Well, except for the fact that some of his ashes are also there. That kind of ruins my fantasy that everything is normal. 

I like to go into his room and talk to him. It makes me feel safe and feel close to him. After I’m done chatting away I always stand and sigh and look around the room. It always seems so strange to me that all his things are still here exactly as they were, but he’s not.  

He wasn’t a man who was all about possessions, but you can’t reach a certain age without collecting a certain amount of stuff. It makes me happy to see his stuff, it breaks my heart to see his stuff. It’s just sitting there waiting for him. 

This morning my mom sent me a poem that described very well how I feel: 

The Sadness of Clothes

 Emily Fragos

When someone dies, the clothes are so sad. They have outlived their usefulness and cannot get warm and full.

You talk to the clothes and explain that he is not coming back as when he showed up immaculately dressed in slacks and plaid jacket and had that beautiful smile on and you’d talk.

You’d go to get something and come back and he’d be gone.

 You explain death to the clothes like that dream.

You tell them how much you miss the spouse and how much you miss the pet with its little winter sweater.

You tell the worn raincoat that if you talk about it, you will finally let grief out. 

The ancients etched the words for battle and victory onto their shields and then they went out and fought to the last breath. 

Words have that kind of power you remind the clothes that remain in the drawer, arms stubbornly folded across the chest, or slung across the backs of chairs,or hanging inside the dark closet.

 Do with us what you will,they faintly sigh, as you close the door on them.

He is gone and no one can tell us where.

 I know they’re just things, but they’re his things and besides memories that’s all we have now. It’s why I love the room and hate that room. So many emotions in there. 
Happiness moment was racing around the yard this afternoon with Jacob watching a tornado drop in and out of the sky. This only ended up being a happiness moment of course because it passed us by. But as soon as we knew we were safe, we had fun watching the storm clouds. This was followed by a trip to town with my cousin for ice cream. Mmmmmm

  

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The Red Tent 

Today was a Red Tent kind of day. After Dad’s funeral, lifelong family friends came up to me and said that we needed to get together, all of us girls, and have a Red Tent moment. A time where we would join together in our sisterhood in a safe and comfortable conversation. These two ladies lost their mother a couple of months before we lost Dad, so we are all on the same journey.

I was thinking on my way to meet them today how interesting our family relationship is. These two families who have been so intertwined through the years. I can’t remember not knowing them, and they can’t remember not knowing our family. 

Dad was their go-to person when they had an issue they didn’t know how to deal with. They talk about Dad with mad respect, and I have always had mad respect for these two entrepreneurs who are also strong and kind women. 

But, mostly when we sat down today and talked it was just three ladies laughing and catching up on each others’ lives. We hadn’t really visited in years, yet because of our shared history, instead of it being awkward we ended up not wanting to leave and needing more time. 

There was a statement made by one of them near the beginning of our visit that this was a safe place and that we should be able to share anything we wanted with each other. What a great friendship rule! I said that in the last few years I’ve realized that I need to really work on surrounding myself with a good tribe of women friends. You should always be safe with your good friends. In that moment I felt so blessed to have these two friends re-enter my life. 

I lived on that friendship high all day, then tonight got to ride it a bit higher as we joined together to celebrate my cousin’s birthday. More strong and safe friendships, more laughs, more reasons to be grateful. 

My happiness moment today was the celebration of my women friends. Those who are family and those who feel like family. Having that tribe is so important for me – it holds me and makes me stronger. 

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