Tag Archives: tribe

happiness

Hidden Easter Egg

After Dad died it seemed like we couldn’t get the “sick” out of the house fast enough. Even so, it took a long time to forget how Dad was “sick” and begin to remember how life was before that. The situation with Mom is a little different though, and it almost feels like a reverse in emotions.

We had to take her wheelchairs and lifts back to the mobility store today. Some of the items she’s had well over 20 years, and the new wheelchair she got after Dad died made her life so much easier. But this time it was really hard to pack these things up and take them out of the house. It’s one more step out of the little bubble of denial I’ve put myself into. I had the thought as we were loading things into the car how will mom get around the house when she gets back if her chair isn’t here? Then… oh, yeah. Crap.

Fortunately Heather came with me. Thank God for Heather, what would we have done without her the last couple of years. She was essential for mom, but she became a good friend and family member to all of us. There’s something about having been through something so raw like caring for Mom and then having her pass away that really makes you realize there’s no point in having up any boundaries – so we have had some pretty deep life conversations.

And then when we were dropping off the chairs and the emotion felt like it was so thick we couldn’t breathe, the man lifted up Mom’s seat and a chocolate Easter egg fell out. I swear, that woman hid chocolate everywhere. I am finding little stashes all over the house – which makes sense since I also have little chocolate stashes in my house (and car, and purse, and backpack).

Even in the moments where all I want to do is cry, there are little sparks of joy and happiness. I guess that’s life.

I ran away later for a few minutes of horse aromatherapy. I hadn’t seen my boy in a couple of weeks, I was pretty sure he thought I’d sold him and he was allowed to just sit in a field and eat hay now. But he came walking up to me as soon as I got to his field. Just standing with him for even a few minutes helped balance me and open my heart up a little bit more.

That face ❤️

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Family time

Today was the first day in weeks that the kids and I have had to ourselves. We’ve needed the support and the people surrounding us with love, but today we needed to be just us.

We talked out some feelings, shared memories, laughed, cried, and cleaned the house (holy what a mess it became).

As an introvert it’s really important for me to have quiet time to recharge and I feel like I had some of that today. I’ve let myself get out of balance, I need to take better care of that.

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Mom’s rock

This afternoon my sister, Heather, and I took a walk out to mom’s rock to spend some time with her memories. Before she got polio it was where she would go and sit and be still with the universe.

When we were kids my sister and I used to sit out there too.

We stood and looked at the view and shared stores and let out feelings.

I realized today that although people have died in the house (both my grandparents, and my parents only days after leaving the house), that everyone also lived in the house. Generations of my family have lived here, gathered at the table, laughed, cried, and loved.

I feel so fortunate that this is home.

Mom’s rock covered in snow, and the happiest dog in the world.

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On turning 47

Three years ago today I started my happiness blog. It was supposed to last 44 days and bring me to a better place inside. Back then I was desperately praying that the kids and I would be freed from the unsafe home we were living in.

In those three years we were granted our miracle, came home, dad died, went through the ugliest divorce possible and lost everything financially (and the kids lost their entire paternal side), and then mom died.

A lot has happened.

This blog has kept me sane through all of that. It has given me a space to sort things out and do some healing. There has been a lot of sorrow, but every single day I’ve found at least one moment of happiness.

Today my moment of happiness is a birthday escape with a friend. There are so many emotions today I’m not quite sure how to handle them all.

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Saying goodbye

We had mom’s funeral today. It was beautiful, sad, sweet, joyful, heart wrenching. It had all the feelings. It was a service that did honour to mom’s memory, including the most beautiful eulogy given by my uncle.

Last night when we were out with my Ontario relatives, and again today from my uncle (mom’s brother) I was made aware of the common theme that runs on both sides of my family.

Hold your loved ones dear, give whenever you can, never give up, always reach out in kindness, live with grace and dignity.

That was how both of my parents lived, and they were perfectly paired together to express this way of life.

I really, really miss her; but I have this huge sense of peace that she’s with Dad.

I was so worried today that I’d feel so alone, but my tribe surrounded me and carried me through the entire ceremony and reception after. With every deep breath and eye dab I was constantly aware that I was not alone. I was told that, it was transferred in hugs, it was said with sad smiles. I even offered myself up for adoption to the neighbours (they accepted but I think they thought I was kidding. They’ll be surprised when we show up for supper!”

There was so much love in that church, and it was so fitting. That’s how both mom and dad lived their lives. They made close connections to the people around them and offered love and kindness whenever possible.

I am so incredibly grateful for all the love and support from all of our friends and family. That is true soul happiness.

And a bonus happiness is the 18th birthday of my dear nephew. He’s a great kid and now he’ll be a great adult.

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Come together

My sister, my kids and I went out for supper with my aunt and uncle tonight. They’re my dad’s sister and brother in law and they (along with a few of our cousins) flew in for mom’s funeral tomorrow. There’s something so great about family – even though we are miles apart and don’t spend a lot of time together – we love each other deeply and share so many stories. It’s the good part about funerals, it brings everyone together. There were a few great moments around the table as we laughed. There’s always a silver lining.

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Helping Hands

I screwed something up a couple of weeks ago – not just a small screw up but a rather royal one. I’ve been needing to fix it, which will be hours of work, but life took me in another direction.

This morning I had an email from a lady I know but don’t know well and she offered to take my mistake and fix it for me. When I went to her place to hand her my things I found out she hadn’t even realized mom had passed away. She just knew I was under a lot of stress and reached out to help me.

The kindness of others is so amazing and powerful. I feel so blessed. Honestly, I have been really struggling with this blog the last few days. I don’t want to find the happiness in a moment right now. I want to be mad at God and feel sorry for myself. But things like what happened today remind me that there really are moments of happiness everywhere, and that God always gives me what I need when I need it.

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Look alikes

All her life my sister has rolled her eyes and said yes, I know I look like my mom. We have some sort of cloning factory out here – it’s funny how one generation duplicates its looks onto the next one (my grandpa, uncle, and cousin are prime examples).

Today my sister sent me this photo

and said now you can never say you don’t look like mom. And she’s right. Even down to the surly little mouth turned up. It may be the only time we have looked the same, but in this instance it’s spot on. Lots of memories being shared today – happiness inside the tears.

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