Tag Archives: tribe

happiness

Ginger chews

The boy and I tackled the sad job of returning some of mom’s things today – I keep thinking I can’t take these things back she needs them – but then I remember she’s gone. I was grateful he came along with me so at least I wasn’t crying alone.

When we were done we went to the grocery store (because I have teens and they eat all the time) when I paid the cashier gave us each a ginger chew to try. We got to the car, opened them up, and popped them in our mouths. They were so good, but so chewy and they made the grossest mouth chewing noises imaginable. Both of us hate the sound of loud chewing anyway, so we took the opportunity to try and see who could be the most disgusting. I can’t imagine how we must have looked sitting in the car, mouths wide open, laughing so hard.

Thank God for that kid and his weird sense of humour. It feels good to laugh – it was an actual happiness moment. Thank goodness.

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happiness

Someone to talk to

One thing I discovered in my years living away from home was that I had kind of taken my built in tribe of people for granted. I hadn’t done this intentionally, but I’d always had a close group of people I could talk about the things closest to my heart and I didn’t realize how difficult it was to find that.

It’s important to have someone to share the ups and downs of your life with, to laugh with, but also to share your deepest secrets and dreams with – someone who is there in your corner to hold you up when you’re feeling down.

Something I’m beginning to realize is how very lonely a lot of people are out there. We seem to have set up our society in a way that isolates people more than it brings them together. It makes me realize how important it is to have people who are close and with whom I want to share laughter, tears, and heart secrets. I want to grow old with good friends who love and trust each other, and who will laugh about how badass we think we are.

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happiness

Integrity and grievances

I’ve been slowly working away at the stack of things to do that have piled up over the last few months. I have absolutely no regrets about how I prioritized my time, but it doesn’t change the fact that I have a lot of catching up to do.

Something that kept playing in my mind as I was working this morning was how my dad used to talk about integrity. My dad lived with his heart on his sleeve, and it was important to him that people trusted him and that they understood that if he gave his word it was good as gold. He talked to me often about how you needed to live life with integrity – you had to be able to look yourself in the mirror at the end of the day and be ok with the choices you made and the way you treated people.

And not only did he talk the talk, but he walked the walk. I learned from him not because of what he said, but because of how he lived his life. In fact, I was surprised after he died how many of my friends sent me messages telling me of times in the past when they had troubles and they’d called my dad to come help them out. Most of these I never even knew about. He was reliable, dependable, loving, and while not perfect – always did his best to show up for the people he loved.

Now that I am rebuilding my life I have the chance to figure out how I want to be in this life. I need to live with integrity as well. I have little people watching me and learning how they need to be in the world too. That’s a huge responsibility, but it’s an honour as well – that’s how our family values get passed down. They need to learn to love fiercely and unconditionally, and to be dependable and forgiving.

Forgiveness.

That’s something that keeps popping up in my life right now. The idea that I can’t be truly happy, truly at peace, truly free, while I’m holding onto past grievances. It was driven home last week when the boy informed me that he had decided he was going to hate his dad for as long as he lived. While I totally understand his sentiment, I don’t want him spending the rest of his life with that blackness in his heart.

Unfortunatly it seems the only way I’ll be able to teach them to forgive is to do it myself. I have a few issues with this. First off, it’s really difficult to forgive someone who isn’t sorry – who in fact seems to feed off our pain and suffering. There’s also a certain element of fear attached to the thought of forgiveness – in the past every time I have forgiven him he’s come back and hurt me 100 times worse. I’m still not totally sure how to forgive someone who continues to cause pain.

But, it’s necessary. It’s necessary for me, and it’s necessary for the kids. I need to learn how to do this so that they can as well. I figure how he treats us is his karma, but how we respond is ours. I can’t talk about making love based decisions when right I am living a fear based one.

I wish my dad was here. I miss talking with him. I miss him for my kids, I miss him for me.

On the way home, the girl took this photo – it’s like God’s hand holding light over our house

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happiness

Love letters

I was looking for printer paper in the filing cabinet at my parents’ house today and I came across some unexpected treasures. Apparently my parents wrote each other little love notes over the years, and they kept them in a file next to where the paper was stored. It was so unexpected it took my breath away and I had to stop and spend the next hour looking through their messages of love.

My parents had their issues like every other couple did, but at the heart of it they were two halves of a whole. They loved each other fiercely, and as a result they loved us all unconditionally. I’m so grateful for that because it taught me how to love fiercely and unconditionally as well.

As I looked at their photos and little love moments I was reminded that although I miss mom terribly, in many ways it feels more “right” that they are back together again.

Today was one month since she died. I can’t believe it’s been so long, I can’t believe it’s been only a month.

I went to my cousin’s for supper tonight and as the family laughed as we played Apples to Apples I thought how fortunate I am that we are surrounded with love.

Laughter makes everything seem so much more bearable – it’s the perfect antidote to sadness. I’m lucky I’ve got someone who makes me laugh, who is helping bring my smile back.

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happiness

Why am I not good enough

It was public speaking day today at 4H – something completely new for both of my kids. They both put in a lot of thought and work into their speeches over the last few weeks and I put in a lot of prayer and stress. All of the kids in the club did really well, and it was so cool how supportive they were of each other. How awesome to have such a safe environment in which to stretch and grow.

The boy spoke about the communist party – politics is something he’s passionate about and there’s nothing like talking about communism to get people talking. The girl’s speech was “Why am I not good enough – from a teenage girl’s perspective” which was so powerful it brought tears to my eyes.

Both kids qualified to go onto the next level. So next weekend we are off doing this all over again. I’m so proud of them both – of all the kids in the club – public speaking is scary and difficult and if they can learn this skill now it is a huge gift to their future selves.

The audio is terrible – so here’s a transcript of Why Am I Not Good Enough

One, take a shower you don’t want to smell.

two, pick out an out fit that will fit with the latest trends, and won’t make you the laughingstockof the school more then you already are.

Three, put on some makeup so you can actually show your face in public and be a little bit pretty. you cant even recognize yourself and your face tinkiles with an unbelievable itch you cant satisfy otherwise you’ll have ruined the hours of meticulous painting you applied to your hideous face.

Four, don’t forget to style you hair, you cant let everyone at school see how you hair is naturally.

Five, shove you fat feet into the pinching blood blistering shoes that everyone else is wearing and you cannot be the odd one out. As you gaze into the bathroom mirror you see a strenger that as somehow stole your reflection and repeated it with a completely different girl. Every part of you out fit is uncomfortable but even though you spend hours trying to look pretty you will never be as good as those other girls at school. You are actually holding back a few tears but you feel like you are holding back a tsunami of emotion you can’t let any one else know you that you feel otherwise they will never respect you the same way they used to, or did they ever? Why am I not good enough beauty is pain.

Six get to school.

Seven find a group of people you can walk with to class with bc heaven knows you can’t just walk alone, but you don’t even like these people they cuss and make dirty jokes a lot, and they laugh and make fun of you. You know you shouldnt hang out with them but hey they are the popular kids. And you just want people to like them. You are in the stocks as people throw judging tomatoes and hate heads of lettuce at your insecure little head. You can not stand up for yourself bc you are alone trapped and defenseless and you can not stand up for yourself bc these popular kids are like the royalty or the school and apprentice with they say and do goes. You take each comment each judgment each assumption each opinion each strange look each remark each criticism each review each report each assessments and whipp’d yourself esteem plum like a sinking ship. Down, down, down into the dark and dreary deps below. You look at all the other girls your mind racing a mile a minute I wish I had her eyes, I wish I had her hair, I wish I was a skinny as her, I wish I had her perfectly straight white teeth, I wish I had her social conference. Why am I not good enough? Life isn’t fair.

Eight get your work done. The only part of your life that seemed solvable is the actual schoolwork you take pride In your work. Bc it is possible the only things special about you. You do it to see the radiant smile on your teachers faces as they applaud your work, so joyful praise is the gentle rain that brings forth a magnificent rainbow. The radiant sunshine the brings forth the fealds of sweet daisies. One of the only things that brings you happiness but it is not popular to be smart. In fact you are seen as a nerd, too smart, too smart human calculator, brainiacs, geek, teachers pet, suck up and what ever wonderful name you can think of. Your peers jealously is a pollution that prevents a rainbow. The bulldozer that plows through the fealds of one golden daisies the in intangible object that crushes your happiness like a bug. A Are getting you nothing nothing but torment. Why am I not good enough? Just get over it.

Nine it’s the end of the day get ready for bed.

Ten undress and get your pajamas on. “Wow did I get fatter today?”

Eleven undo your hair “wow my hair looks like a mop.”

Twelve wash off all the your makeup “I can’t even look at my self.”

Ever night you think to yourself I just want people to like me. I just want to be accepted. But skipping meals and marking up your wrist isn’t going to fix that. You look at other girls wishing you were them, but other girls are looking at you and wishing they were you. Society infers girls have to have skinny waists, tan skin, long silky hair, perfectly straight teeth, big buts and etc. Society and furs girls have to wear tons of makeup to be pretty. Society in furs girls have to were skanky  loathing and do inappropriate things with boys to be “happy and considered cool.” but society is wrong you are lover you are precious, you are beautiful, you are talented, you are capable, you are deserving of respect you can eat that meal. You are one in seven billion and most of all you are good enough.

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happiness

Espresso and flowers

I had errands to run today and for some reason the boy volunteered to come along with me. Once we were sitting in the Italian Centre and he was sipping his espresso I understood why. Italian food con aside, I was really glad he came along with me – we haven’t had much one on one time lately and when I’m with him I get to really hear what is going on inside his head. As he was telling me about all of his life issues, questions about God and the Universe, and his favourite kind of food I realized how grateful I was that we have such a close relationship. It’s been a lifetime (his) in the making – but it’s exactly what I wanted when I had kids.

When I got home I was tired and kind of feeling bleh (please not the flu) and the girl met us and said that my cousin had been by and dropped off some flowers to cheer us up. I needed those flowers, it’s gross out and I’m feeling emotionally exhausted.

Thank goodness for this tribe.

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happiness

Celebrate Every Child

About a year and a half ago I had this moment of Divine Inspiration. I wanted to start up a program that would give a birthday party to a child who, because of family or life circumstances, wouldn’t normally be able to have one. My idea was that every child deserves to be celebrated – and even if it was just one day of the year that they were reminded how special they are – that could possibly be a life changing gift.

This idea spoke to my heart in part because of some of the kids I taught who weren’t celebrated anywhere at any time. If ever a big deal was made out of them you could see their eyes light up and their souls smile. It’s important that kids feel like they’re important and that it’s worth celebrating their existence. The other reason had to do with our journey back home. If my family hadn’t held us and helped us and loved us, we would have been completely destitute when Mr. X closed our bank account and wished me and the kids well. Not everyone is so fortunate to have a tribe step in and I feel it’s my duty to pay that forward.

I had volunteers and our church backing me, so much support was in place, and then my life kind of crapped itself. But now I’ve realized I’m back in a position to give again. So, I met with a friend today (who was the lady that took my idea to the powers that be and got me the backing I needed) and she told me whenever I’m ready to go that they are too.

Before that I had the most uplifting chat with a healer-friend. It’s amazing how when we shine our lights, light shines back.

The interesting thing about not running from the pain and fear (which is what I want to do), is that I feel the love even more strongly.

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happiness

Transformation time

The girl and I did our first day of our 90 day transformation program today. We have some things we want changed, and now seems like the perfect time to do that. We are already in such a state of change, it makes sense to start creating life the way we want it now. I’m excited, and I’m happy I get to do it with her. I need to change some things, I am tired to the core of my soul.

I got home this evening after a much needed visit with my soul sister and had to stop for a minute in the -29C night to take a look at the stars. It is such a beautiful and clear night. I love where we live, I love our tribe – I don’t know what I would do without either.

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When the universe listens

A couple of weeks ago I told the universe what I wanted – what I would like to have happen in my life if money wasn’t an issue. I didn’t see how it would be possible, because it felt like money would be an issue – but when miracles happen they don’t always come the way we imagined they would.

I had a conversation today with someone who is already living the vision I had, and who possibly could use my help to keep it growing.

So cool. So exciting. So hopeful.

Tonight a group of us went out and laughed our asses off. We were loud and inappropriate and had so much fun. One of the other ladies lost her dad a couple of days before my mom died so we even shared tears and laughed about the weird grief things we were doing. I have missed having people to go out and do things with. It was awesome.

It realized today as I was driving around looking at cows that I am living exactly the life I prayed for. It’s all here. Sure, some things are missing, some aren’t precisely how I’d like them to be – but mostly I am living the exact life I prayed I’d have when things were at their darkest.

Cows and kids.

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Angel at the gate

This morning was a really rough one for me. As soon as I woke up I wanted to cry- it’s been two weeks now since mom died and I am finally processing some of those emotions. The time between when dad died and when mom did were really tough ones for her – she missed him so much, her own health was failing, and she put in so much energy helping the rest of us deal with our sorrow. There just are so many feelings to sort out and let go of.

What I wanted to do was go back to bed (always the safest option), but I had a full day of things to do so we hit the ground running. As I was waiting for the gate to open so we could leave the yard I noticed an Amazon package stuck along the side. I ran out to grab it, silently praying it wasn’t something mom had ordered that was going to make me cry again. It wasn’t. It was a gift of love and joy sent just for me.

For the last few months I’ve been studying at the Health Coach Institute and they knew about mom’s passing. They sent me this beautiful angel and a thoughtful note to go along with it.

I needed that little gift of love, that reminder that the world is still carrying on and that I need to be part of it, that I have got this.

Good thing because the afternoon involved an emotionally gut wrenching appointment with my girl. As long as the reminder that the love is there to balance out the scary monsters under the bed,  it all seems doable.

On the way home from that appointment we passed 3 bald eagles sitting in the field having some sort of feast (best not to look too close). A reminder of strength, grace, and home.

Thank God for our tribe. The love and support the kids and I have been receiving is what is holding us up. Pure happiness.

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