Tag Archives: tribe

happiness

Happy girls

Being a teenage girl isn’t for the faint of heart. I think my grade 7-9 years were the most difficult of all my school years. It seems girls at that age when they turn on each other use emotional warfare that can be scarring for life.

But it is also a time when some of your best friends can be found. My girl is still seeking her tribe and adding to it as she can.

She had a friend over today who I think could be a member of her girl tribe. Those friendships are important. My girlfriends (including my sister and cousins) have carried me through all the ups and downs in my life.

It brought my heart great joy to listen to those girls giggle and share secrets. It’s happiness.

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The road to happiness is filled with tears and heartache

I think about what my concept of happiness was 3 years ago when I started this blog and where I am at with my journey now and I never imagined there would have been so much heartbreak and loss involved on this path. I took the month of February “off” to grieve and cry and be sad – but an interesting thing happened in that month – I actually came to a completely different understanding of what happiness is.

I had planned on just feeling sorry for myself and absorbing all the loss I’ve had in the last few years, but what ended up happening was I ended up really working on my spiritual connection. What I have discovered is my soul happiness, my peace, is coming through my connection to the Divine. I can tell when I am truly happy now – when I am listening to my inner guidance, following my instinct, living my Dharma, using the gifts that God gave me to shine my light.

I mean, I’ve known for a long time that the new shirt, book, song, whatever isn’t the key to happiness. And although having good and kind people in my tribe is essential, it doesn’t guarantee happiness either. What is bringing me a more peaceful happiness is the fact that I am settling into myself, I am deepening my connection to Source, I am learning to trust myself.

It’s a whole different game.

I had a very deep discussion with the girl today who is on her own journey to find peace and self acceptance. Personal growth and healing really should be more unicorns and rainbows – but it turns out the road is filled with tears and heartache. I mean, there are some rainbows (no unicorns yet, but one Drishti and that’s good enough), but it’s sure a lot bumpier a road than I had imagined.

On the other hand, I feel more like myself – probably than I ever had. I spend less time worrying about what other people think of me and my journey (I mean, I still worry about it – I’m a work in progress after all), and I am so much more comfortable in my own skin than I ever have been.

In the first few weeks after mom died I really wanted to just quit this blog. I didn’t want to be happy I wanted to be sad. I am grateful I took the time to be sad – interestingly it is bringing me closer to the happiness and peace I have been seeking all along.

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Honey and ginger

I would have thought the boy was mansick today, but since I’m also dragging today it must be the real thing.

Since it’s Sunday and there’s 40 feet of snow outside we took advantage of a quiet day. I actually got a lot of studying done and a little bit of organizing – it’s time to purge all the things I don’t need again.

The sick treat of the day was honey and ginger – my favorite home remedy for feeling under the weather. And a little On Guard just for good measure.

I had a fun text time with a cousin who shares the same view as us. We often text each other when the skies are beautiful or the moon is out so we can share the moment. Today our shared moment included immense gratitude for where we live. We are blessed.

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Another new normal

We had a family meal at the house tonight – moving into another new normal now that mom is gone. That house needs laughter and family in it, to me that is what our home is all about – a gathering place for our tribe. It was good to feel life in it again – good to have people who love us and love that old house together. We need to continue to build memories here, we need to continue coming together.

I spent some time this afternoon in gratitude for the tribe, for the family we have here. The kids and I are so blessed to be surrounded by these people who love us – whenever I feel like we are so alone all I have to do is look outside and see imprints of generations of our people, or I look at the walls of this family home, and I am almost overwhelmed with how lucky I feel that I have these roots.

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Stop for an owl

We are having a crazy amount of snow come down today, which seemed fitting since we had appointments all over the place to deal with mom’s estate.

I am so grateful I’ve got my sister to walk alongside me in this process. I don’t know what I’d do without her, it helps we can grieve together, we share a lifetime of memories.

On the way home at the end of the day, the kids and I got stuck behind a tractor. Fatal error because I’m impatient but there was too much snow for me to get around him. And since I was on the backroad, and we were probably related to him, I couldn’t even complain (too much).

But because we were going slowly, we noticed an owl sitting on the side of the road. I love owls and so do the kids. So we stopped and watched him for a while. It was beautiful and peaceful – exactly what I needed after an emotionally exhausting day. There is happiness everywhere

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Little girls on surly ponies

I had tea and shared stories with an old friend. I have known her since we were little girls on surly ponies. So, even though we hadn’t sat down and visited properly in years we know the core of who each other is and that makes picking up again so easy.

I love it because although we have each been on our own bumpy and winding paths, we have been on similar journeys to find ourselves and our soul purposes. And I love talking with people about their soul purpose, their dharma, the thing that makes them come alive, and how they’re going about making it come together in their lives. It helps me figure out what mine is.

I actually left our conversation with the beginnings of a few ideas rattling around in my head.

I am so grateful we are home as I am surrounded again by my tribe. I have such a deeper appreciation for these people now than I did before I left here for our gypsy years. I need the love and support, the laughter and tears, the knowledge that I am with people who know who I am because they’ve known me forever – but who also let me learn and grow.

I need more moments like that one. It helps balance my soul and realign my focus on what is important.

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Back on the ridge

It was finally decent enough I could get back out on the ridge with my Dotted Dog. I had forgotten how important it is for me to have that quiet time – it is when I connect to the Divine in a completely different way.

I actually feel much better now, I still have no idea how we will make things work, but I have faith that it will work out. I have been looked after every step of my journey and I can’t believe God will just stop now.

It felt good to get back out in the sunshine again – in the world and inside my soul.

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My tired heart

Today my heart is tired and sad. I’m working hard at forgiveness, but again it really is hard to forgive someone who not only isn’t sorry but who is actively trying to destroy me. All I know is I have to. I must keep working at it. I have to do it for me, I have to do it for the kids. I don’t want them living under the the black cloud of his hate anymore – it’s too much.

There are always little rays of sunshine in my dark days. Today when I wanted to just lie down and cry I went and focused on my Drishti.

I just want to squish him all the time

My kids spent the afternoon and evening with their aunt and uncle – my extra parents and their extra grandparents. It was cooking lesson time with Auntie Crazy and some of the cousins. They came home full of smiles and pizza.

Thank God we are home and we are safe. We have our tribe and we have each other – that is happiness.

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Areas communication competition

The kids were back at it again today with their speeches. The girl’s speech brought tears to my eyes – it’s an amazing speech anyway, so brave and powerful – but this time she was so much more confident and strong.

The boy gave a different version of his speech on communism and won!!! The way that kids talks with such confidence and clarity is amazing. Considering the introverted mom who is raising them, it’s impressive they can do this at all, forget the courageous way they can get up and talk.

I am so glad we are part of this club – in many ways it reminds me of how Pony Club used to be  when I was a kid before all the money and politics came into it. It’s because our club is small and full of really wonderful and supportive people. What a great place for my kids to grow and learn. Best of all the adults in our club are really cool, so I genuinely enjoy going to events and spending time with the club.

Who knew 4H was so much fun?

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It’s a small world

I had a parking lot goods exchange this morning that made me feel like I was doing a drug swap, but really I was just buying farm eggs from a lady I met on one of the Cochrane Facebook groups. After she contacted me to tell me she had some eggs I could purchase, I looked at her profile so I could recognize her and all of her photos included Mom’s Heather – the wonderful lady who looked after my mom for the last year and half. The “egg lady” is Heather’s best friend and we had no idea who each other was until I looked at her photos. There really is a small degree of separation between us all and I love it when the Universe randomly  brings us together like this. We chatted and laughed in the parking lot, and as I drove away I realized it had been a Happiness Moment, and that in fact I’ve been having Happiness Moments all along, I’ve just been too sad to see them.

Something awful happened to one of the members of my tribe earlier this week. Their poor family has literally been to hell and back over the last couple of years and the last thing they needed was another tragedy. I had a WTF moment with God wondering why they had to deal with yet more pain and I tried to figure out why it had happened to them. The best I could come up with was who knows, it was totally random. But, what I did realize was that I never once questioned whether or not they were being punished for something, or if God had forgotten them, or if He didn’t love them – I know this isn’t true – they are awesome people and live life being kind and honest.

And then I realized that if that was true about them, then it was likely true about me too. Sometimes I get really angry with God because I feel he’s forgotten me or is punishing me. But if I don’t feel that way about them – and the crap they’ve dealt with over the last few years is at least as bad as mine if not worse – then why should I feel that way about me and my kids?

And if you are dealing with a crappy situation in your own life the same thing is true – we can’t always understand the painful things that come our into our lives, but it in no way changes the value you have as a person.

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