Tag Archives: anxiety

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Living with blinders on

  

So, this anxiety thing. It’s mostly fear based. Worrying about what’s going to happen in the future. Worrying that things in the present aren’t the way I had wanted them to be. Being afraid to breathe into that moment. Trust me, I had the ability to find anything to be anxious about. 

I had lots of real things that caused me to be fearful and anxious. But there were also a lot that were just made up in my head. Things that I was afraid of that never happened but that I wasted a lot of energy on. 

Ever since I returned home I feel like a pair of blinders have been put on me. Like I’ve been placed in a bubble and all I can focus on is what is happening at the present moment in my bubble. 

Being with these blinders does not protect me from fear or anxiety and it does not block me from happiness and joy. In fact I have felt every emotion you can imagine lately and I’ve felt them all intensely. 

But, all I am able to focus on is what’s happening right now. There is no fear based anxiety about the future or things that could happen. Somehow The Universe has decided to put blinders on me and only allow me to be right here in the present moment. 

That is a gift. 

Happiness moment was picking Jenna up from school and seeing the parrot she’d been  making as a beading craft at school. They’re going to donate them to the Children’s Hospital. I love it when she discovered a new craft. She loves to create. 

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Don’t worry, it’s only anxiety 

The other night I was sitting in urgent care dealing with things I know absolutely nothing about. But since we were there for hours and there’s really no privacy with just those curtains I had ample opportunity to listen in on the complaints of the woman in the bed next to us. 

As soon as I heard her listing her symptoms I thought I know what her issue is. She was in convinced she was having a heart attack or something similar. Chest pain, dizziness, shaking, feeling off, difficulty focusing mentally. As she was listing these symptoms I remembered a time where I too sat alone in urgent care convinced I was dying. 

It’s a terrible feeling. 

Panic attack. 

The nurse gave her some ideas of how to deal. Cut back to one cup of coffee or tea a day. Herbal tea is fine. She asked about green tea and was told that was fine too. That was when I wanted to leap through the curtain and talk to her. Because green tea is not herbal and that caffeine is enough to trigger more anxiety.  She finished with and lose 5-10 pounds   That will help with your high blood pressure. Which, while that may be true isn’t what you need to hear while in the middle of a panic attack. 

When I started studying Ayurveda I was one hot mess of anxiety. It wasn’t pretty and I was barely able to function. Over the past couple of years I have turned into a better version of myself (Melissa 2.0) and have been able to handle things I never thought possible. 

Here’s what I would like to have said to that poor lady. 

Sleep. Make sure you’re getting a good night’s sleep. Even if it means giving up doing other things you like to do. Get to bed by 9. Be asleep by 10. Sleep until at least 6    It’s when your body heals and restores itself. Honour this time. 

Nap. Napping isn’t generally recommended in Ayurveda, but there are certain circumstances when it is encouraged. When I was in the worst of my anxiety I was so run down I had no reserves left. I used to have a cup of tea every afternoon when I would crash. I switched that for a 20-30 minute nap during my healing phase. It was a game changer. 

Caffeine.  Give it up. Seriously. After a while you won’t miss it (as much). I really noticed how it triggered my anxiety. While you’re at it give up booze. It tricks you into feeling like it relaxes you when really it causes more anxiety. 

Get out in nature. My daily walks along the river in Roanoke literally saved my life. It was a peaceful, quiet time with no distractions. I went electronic free and just relaxed into enjoying the water, the birds, and my dog. 

Be picky about what you put in your brain   I used to love watching Law and Order and other crime shows. About 4 years ago I started being much more careful about the types of shows I watched and the types of books I read. While in anxious mode it was much, much better to be putting happy thoughts into my head. Hence my current obsession with The Golden Girls. 

Clear the toxic people out of your life. I know, easier said than done. But sometimes there are people who seem to feed off your anxiety. Who seem to feel a stronger sense of power when you are anxious and insecure. There are people who are carrying so much of their own baggage they are happy to dump their negativity on you. People with no boundaries who would rather bring you down than lift you up. Be a good friend, surround yourself with good friends. 

Find your bliss. Easy right? Maybe for some people. I’m 44 and still wonder what I’ll be when I grow up. But a few years ago I read a book by Steven Cope (from Kriplau) called The Great Work Of Your Life   It started me on the path of actively finding my bliss. I find it in my Ayurvedic studies, in my yoga, in my writing, in my time with my kids. It hasn’t made me a millionaire yet, but I’m sure a lot happier following my heart. 

Listen to your intuition. How many times in life I’ve done things that go against what I believe is right to try and make someone else happy. In the end, without fail, it not only makes me miserable – but the person I’m trying to please is never satisfied either. 

Breathe. Seriously. Just stop and breathe. But the best method I’ve found for an instant anxiety cure is alternate nostril breathing. Use your thumb and ring finger to cover each nostril. Release the thumb, breathe in, cover nostril again. Release the ring finger, breathe out. Breathe in on the same side, cover nostril. Keep alternating. Do it for a few minutes or until you feel calmer. I’ve done it for a good 20 minutes before. It’s very relaxing. 

Have faith that you are worth it. My pastor continuously says you are a loved child of God. No matter what your beliefs understand that you have value and you are ok just the way you are. 

Happiness moment of the day: hiding in the corner of the grocery store with the kids pretending to look at cake and giggling while downloading and updating our mobile devices. This is what happens when you finish shopping before updating. Life without wifi makes one resourceful.

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The kindness of strangers (and a friend)

In the last couple of days I have found myself in the position where I needed help. Lots of help. With big changing stuff. Fortunately I didn’t even have time to stress about how the help would come or how everything would fall into place. 

In the last couple of days I have found myself in the position where I needed help. Lots of help. With big changing stuff. Fortunately I didn’t even have time to stress about how the help would come or how everything would fall into place. 

I have an awesome family who provides the strongest of support systems, but they were 2,000 miles away and I was in need of some hands on assistance. 

And the most amazing thing happened. I had a complete stranger enter onto my life and just take over the details of most of the things I needed sorted out. She brought other people who facilitated what needed to be done. And it just all worked out

When I realized that I needed more help, my dear friend arrived at my door – without me asking – and just took the reins. 

If ever I ever had any doubt that God always provides when you ask I have had proof in the last two days. This feeling of deep gratitude to these people who stepped in when they were so needed is my moment of happiness for the day. 

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Anxiety and happiness

Today when I was driving Jacob to the library I suddenly got hit by a huge wave of anxiety. I think these are the ones that I despise the most – the ones that just hit out of the blue for no good reason. It had been a decent morning, nice and slow as there was no school. I’d had breakfast and walked on the elliptical for a bit. Then just *whamo* out of nowhere this damn anxiety hits. I stayed quiet, tried to focus on my breathing, tried to just work through it.

I was still feeling kind of anxious and *off* when I got home after dropping him off so I made myself go right upstairs and do some yoga and meditation. I didn’t mind the yoga, it took a lot of convincing to do the meditation. Which is interesting because I know that the meditation really helps settle my mind, but when there’s anxiety running in it my mind yells ‘don’t leave me here in the quiet where I have to be with myself’. So there’s that battle.

But, I did it. I meditated. I hated it. It was good. Interestingly there weren’t anxious thoughts running in my head. You’d think after a huge episode with anxiety I’d be thinking about all those little things that snowball into a big thing to make me anxious. But no. What my brain kept running to was this: ‘I’m hungry (it was 10am), maybe I should stop and go make an early lunch. I wonder what I should eat. Go back to the mantra. Gawd, I’m starving. Maybe I should take Jenna out to Panera for lunch. But then I’d have to shower, and well.. I’m hungry. Go back to the mantra. I’m getting hangry (hungry/angry). How long have I been at this? Should I open my eyes and look? I’m starving, what should I eat.’ Seriously, I had 20 minutes of that. I wasn’t even all that hungry when I was done.

But the big deal is that when I was done I was no longer anxious. All those yucky feelings were gone. So worth it. Obviously something else was happening while I was sitting there beside my mind trying to tell me I was going to die of starvation in those 20 minutes.

Tonight Jacob asked if he could make supper. He wanted burritos and wanted me to show him how to make them. He did everything himself while I supervised. And he was so happy. It made me all warm and fuzzy inside just watching him enjoy creating so thoroughly, and then to be so proud of what he’d created.

I realized as I was laughing with him that for me anyway – happiness and anxiety can’t coexist. I can’t be both authentically, blissfully happy and also have feelings of anxiety. What if I hadn’t made myself settle into my meditation and yoga practice this morning? I would have missed all of this fun.

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Jenna suffers from FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out) and had to make dessert for everyone. As much love and enjoyment went into this as went into the supper preparation. IMG_4935My happiness moment today for day 25 of my 44 days of happiness was laughing with and being with my kids as they created meals. My gratitude is that I was able to be truly in the moment and enjoy this small moment with them.

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From FOMO to FOMA to Fearless

FOMO – or the Fear Of Missing Out – is a real condition and it runs strong in my family. So I come by it honestly.

I used to push myself to do things that I maybe didn’t really want to do because of FOMO. I would go places and do things that my inner being knew I didn’t really need to do because of FOMO. What if something fun happened and I wasn’t there?

Then I got brought to my knees by anxiety. Well, to be more accurate it kind of crept up on me until it finally had weakened me enough to bring me to my knees.

I had to reassess everything. What kind of life did I want to live, how did I want to live it?

I went from being a regular, quiet, introverted type, someone who was generally pretty happy with life, to someone who was so overridden with anxiety I was having a difficult time getting through basic daily activities. I ended up with FOMA – or Fear Of My Anxiety. I started being afraid of doing things because I was afraid it would give me anxiety. I wasn’t just not doing things that made me anxious – but living with a fear of things that could make me anxious.

Not a fun way to live.

One day I realized that if this was ever going to change I was going to have to deal with both FOMO and FOMA, and that I was going to have to deal with it myself. I was very aware that living 2,000 miles from my home and my emotional support system left me in a place where I was going to have to dig deep and figure this out myself. I had two little ones who needed me to be emotionally present for them and who I needed to give my emotional support to. They’re probably going to grow up and say “Gawd mom was such a mess”, but I’d prefer it wasn’t because of this issue.

I accepted that for me FOMA and FOMO were intertwined. I didn’t want to miss out on anything, sometimes I felt the need to be a part of the activities to make sure they ran properly (control – a fear based issue). It took me a while to realize that in the grand scheme of things *I* wasn’t that important. All those things would keep on happening whether or not I was there. Wouldn’t it be much nicer to pick and choose and participate in those activities that genuinely brought me happiness? To be present and focused in the activities I was involved in?

My cure for FOMO? The joking understanding that nothing fun happens if I’m not there anyway. I know this isn’t true, and that tons of fun things happen every second of every day that I don’t participate in. But, do I really need to be a part of everything?

Dealing with the FOMA? This took lots of time. I pretty much stopped everything and rebooted myself. I cocooned for a while and looked after myself. For the first time in my life I actually put myself and my needs first and really looked after myself. I began separating myself from people and activities that increased my anxiety (this was the most difficult and most important thing I did).  I looked long and hard at the things that had to get done and prioritized them. Knowing that I was not going to be doing everything but that the things I was doing were things that were important to me. Knowing that I wasn’t missing out on anything because the things that I was now doing were bringing me more happiness and more meaning.

Spending two months at home this past summer in a nurturing and caring environment helped boost me right over the top from where I felt I was dealing with my anxiety to where I felt like I was fearless of my anxiety. Amazing how a good dose of being grounded and loved and reminded of who you are at the core of your being will do that.

Since that I have been working on being Fearless. Before this would have meant that I did anything I was challenged to do no matter what my inner voice told me. That I never showed fear. That I was always brave That I met every challenge with little regard for my personal consequence. Now, being Fearless has an entirely different meaning. Fearless to me now means that I don’t have to live with that feeling like I’m not being true to myself. As long as I’m being true to who I really am I’m confident with my life and happy with my choices. I don’t feel like I’m missing out because I’m doing the things I really want to do. I’m living a more peaceful and blissful life. I’m not quite where I want to be yet, but at least I can see that I’m walking on the path. That makes me grateful with each breath I take.

There is another side to living with Anxiety. It is possible to get through it and move on to finding true happiness and joy. I feel more bliss now when I’m living in my sweet spot than I ever have before. This does not mean that there aren’t times when I feel anxious, or times when I’m sure I’m missing out on all kinds of fun. What it means is that I’m becoming more comfortable and relaxed in knowing that I’m on the path to freedom.

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