17 years ago tonight I was in the process of a life changing event. Tomorrow at 3:06 am my baby boy made his grand entrance into the world. Becoming his mom changed me completely. I have learned to love harder, forgive more, be gentler, and find strength I didn’t know existed.
All of this I learned from him. He is one of the brightest stars in my sky and one of my greatest sources of happiness.
We always have a family show we watch together. Right now it’s Schitt’s Creek which is silly and stupid, but also really funny and we can relate to it.
A family who used to have money and suddenly doesn’t? Ummm yeah.
It’s Canadian too which is extra cool. But mostly I just like that it’s a way we gather together and unwind and spend time together.
Family is what it’s all about after all.
I’ve been really struggling over the last week as to whether or not I should take a blogging break. I’ve found a moment of happiness every day for almost 3 and a half years – even when dad died, when I got divorced, when he left us without money, when we have struggled, when mom died.
But right now I just don’t want to. I feel like I’m not being authentic talking about a trivial moment of happiness in days that are by far the worst I’ve experienced. And I can’t talk about that, so I can’t share the sad or the happy moments.
For right now I’m craving quiet. I don’t want the noise of social media. I need time to try and reconnect with a God I’m not sure I believe in at the moment. At the very least I feel abandoned by him. Don’t bother sending bible verses – I need action and miracles, I’ve lived on words and promises for long enough.
I know this too shall pass. I’m not sure how or when but it will. My plan is to take a break until the weekend is over and then reassess where things are at.
What I will say is that recovering from trauma is fucking hard and it’s taking every ounce of strength I have to pull my kids through this.
I was unloading things from the car today when my nose notified me of another sign of spring. The blossoms are back on our beautiful crabapple trees.
My first thought was joy – ohh the blossoms are back. And my second thought was sadness – oh the blossoms are back.
When dad went to hospice three years minus four days ago, the blossoms were at their absolute best in the yard. He’d spent the last few days at home lying in his bed looking out the window at the blossoms. He died the next day in hospice.
Thank God for the movie Inside Out – it reminds me that Joy and Sadness exist together, and that sometimes Sadness takes the Joy memories and shades them blue. They’re still the same memories, there’s just a tinge of sadness attached to them.
I stood under the trees and said a little prayer of gratitude. We have had some really hard times over the last few years, but love, faith, and hope for a better tomorrow have kept us all going.
We went for a family walk this evening and saw half the neighborhood while we were at it. We have some challenges, but we are SO blessed to live where we do with our tribe around us. It’s really a unique community and I’m so grateful we are part of it.
We had some quiet family time this afternoon. Those two are my whole world and I love the relationship they have with each other.
I mean, they can fight like you wouldn’t believe, but they have each other’s backs in a way that warms my heart.
The girl and I spent the afternoon playing Uno. She has mad skills at that game and the only reason I ever even win a game is because of tricks she taught me.
I love that girl
We had a couple of really beautiful hours this afternoon as we cooked in grandmas kitchen. We listened to music and laughed – then we sat down for a fantastic meal.
The little things
My boy is playing soccer again – for the first time since he was a little. He’s second string goalie, but today the first string was absent- so he was goalie the entire game.
They lost, but man can my kid play! It was awesome to see how many blocks he made. At the end of the game, the other team voted him player of the game. He was flying high on that the whole way home.
There are always good moments of happiness, even when life is bumpy
Mr. X has threatened to report me to social services as he feels “it is the only route he has to ensure the safety and protection of his children.” Apparently in the middle of this crisis we are in attacking my parenting is the most appropriate route.
The only response I had to that was to just carry on with life. I am doing the best I can – so are the kids. What else can I do?
Churchill said the outside of a horse is good for the inside of a man, and I have always believed horses have incredible healing abilities.
I took the girl out to play with Drishti this afternoon. The difference in her before and after horse time was like night and day. She laughed, smiled, relaxed, and loved on him.
We are home after a long and stressful day. The diffusers are full of lavender and we are unwinding. What a blessing it is to have a home where we are loved and safe.
