Tag Archives: love

happiness

Will and Grace

Today was our official day to do absolutely nothing, and we’ve done it well. I introduced the boy to Will and Grace (the new version) and we have binge watched it all day.

Already my mind is starting to think about the next course that starts next week, and I can see that he’s also thinking about his next bunch of classes. It makes these moments of nothingness even more important.

Tomorrow is the last day of this year, and the last one of what has been an extremely difficult decade, but one filled with immense growth. One thing I have learned is how important it is to be with the ones you love, and to let them know you love them.

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happiness

Tea by the window

I find myself spending a quiet afternoon in Canmore with a cup of Murchie’s Christmas tea, a new book, and a window with a spectacular view. Life has been hectic lately – good but hectic. These moments of quiet are precious, it’s what allows my brain to relax and the anxiety monster to quiet to the background of my mind.

Christmas was good, it was lovely in fact, but there’s a twinge of sadness that accompanies it now. Loss of people no longer with us, loss of people who have chosen to leave, loss of the life that was expected. And yet there’s a lot of hope, hope for a brighter future for all of us, hope for joy, hope for peace. If there’s one thing I’ve learned over the last few years, it’s that it is as important to feel the yucky feelings as it is to feel the good ones. They all need to be absorbed and processed, keeping hold of the happier ones, making sense and letting go of the sadder ones.

And so I sit here, looking at the mountains, hearing kids run about and laugh, and I think – how fortunate we are. The good, the bad, the ugly, we are still so incredibly fortunate. Our pastor talked about how in moments of chaos you often see the light of God shine the brightest, and I feel this has been true for us. Sometimes it’s hard to see, or easy to doubt, but it’s always been there.

I’ve been so busy with life and especially with school that I’ve let my spiritual connection lapse, and I really am feeling the consequences of that. It is what grounds me, what keeps me focused, and what provides my hope. It’s almost like I needed life to get to a point where I understood how much it was missing from my life so that I could stop and refocus my priorities.

So here I sit

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happiness

One down

Today I handed in my last paper for my first class in my masters program. Going back to school at this stage in my life was a huge and scary decision, but while I’ve cried many tears of frustration I’ve discovered how much I love learning again.

For the first time in a long time I’m really excited about the future – and actually about the present too.

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happiness

Don’t panic

I had the most amazing thing happen to me today. I was heading out to catch my horse for my riding lesson and was thrilled to see him standing by the gate looking (I thought) intensely happy to see me. And perhaps he was, but not in the way I thought. I opened the gate and went to catch him, when he turned away from me and started walking towards the shelter. Usually, he is very easy to catch, so not being totally sure what was going on, I told him to stop, grabbed at his blanket, and tried to make him stay with me. He was having none of it and just kept calmly but stubbornly walking towards the shelter.

As soon as we got beyond it, he stopped and I could see why he’d brought me there. A horse had rolled under the fence and was completely trapped on his back with all four legs stuck in the fence. Fortunately, he was lying there calmly, but it was pretty bad and he desperately needed help. The other two horses were standing quietly beside him, almost like they were encouraging him. I called my instructor and she came out, cut the fence, and we tied and rolled the poor dude out. As soon as he was on his feet, he shook himself and wandered off completely fine.

I’ve never seen a horse behave like this, the horse I went out to catch absolutely saved this guy’s life, and it was done very intentionally. The other horses were so calm and I think helped the one that was down stay calm as well. It’s a good reminder that no matter what, panicking won’t help the situation.

 

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It’s genetics

I’ve really been missing my parents lately, I find the season change seems to make grief reappear in ways that are just as raw as at the beginning. Grief is not at all like how I expected it to be, it’s not something you get over, more something you learn to live with.

I was looking through some old photos and came across one from when my family came to visit us in Roanoke the first Christmas we were there. One day we all went out for lunch and then walked the streets of Salem window shopping. I was walking behind the family when I noticed my dad and my son doing the exact same walk.

It’s a photo we’ve talked about often, but one I hadn’t been able to find. My dad meant a lot to my boy, he was his role model and father figure, and it broke my boy’s heart that dad died right after we moved home.

But I see my dad in my son all the time, they’ve got the same build, the same mannerism, and the same insane sense of humour.

Those genetics are strong.

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happiness

Afraid of changing

I’ve always feared change, and if not feared it at least not welcomed it.

And yet my life has been full of change. Big moves, saying goodbye to friends and loved ones as I’d prepare my family for a new life.

This last move, our move home, should have been the easiest one of all- and yet it was not at all. The entire bottom fell out of my world and I had to stop and reassess everything I believed was true about my life.

I’m tired of change, I want things to stay the same, I want to get comfortable. And yet that’s not how one grows. Change is essential for growth, and pain is often what forces that to happen.

But sometimes change is beautiful. Letting go, even when we don’t want to, opens up the possibility for new and often better things and people to enter into our lives.

Today I had a beautiful fall drive through Bragg Creek to get my girl. It was a perfect day for leaf peeping and that’s a great area to do it in.

I’m learning not to resent all the change, some of it I’m embracing, and some of it I’m getting excited about.

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(Reluctantly) embracing change

Today I was informed I was to ride a different horse in my lesson. Even when I rode all the time and was young and brave, I was hesitant to ride new horses. I’ve always been part badass brave and part chicken shit, but my confidence isn’t what it used to be. However I’m finding the more I’m riding the braver I’m getting – in the saddle and in life.

This new horse is huge! And he’s my instructors horse so he’s very well trained. After I got over my fear of heights I discovered I was really enjoying myself. It’s a constant challenge, these lessons, and I am always learning new things I can work on.

I’ve been feeling very overwhelmed with my program lately, going back to school at this stage of life has not been easy. Riding helps me stay brave in all areas of my life

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