It was our monthly 4H meeting tonight. I’m so grateful my kids got involved in this club. I loved Pony Club and got a lot out of it, but 4H is amazing in a completely different way.
They’re organizing and preparing their speeches for communication day which is coming up soon.
It’s been fascinating to see how they’ve grown and gained confidence over the last year and a bit since they’ve been part of this club. Life skills that they will use forever.
I rode a different horse in my lesson today. This one was very similar in height to Drishti and apparently it brought out all the fears I had stuffed down inside.
When I got on I commented to my instructor that I was feeling a little nervous, but we kept going and I was fine. After about 15 minutes we stopped so she could explain something to me and I burst into tears. Not just a couple but a whole river leaked out.
And she said that makes perfect sense, you’ve experienced trauma. And I thought haha you have no idea
So finished crying and then kept riding. And I felt so much better.
Earlier today I was reading about grief and how you have to cry all the tears you need to before you can be done. If you have 24 tears to cry, then crying 17 isn’t enough
I have tears left to cry. So much changed so quickly. Dad died, I got divorced, the boy got sick, I fell off my horse and broke my shoulder, mom died, the girl got sick, I sold my horse. And in all that we were still processing the trauma from Mr. X.
Ignoring the feelings isn’t the solution. Feeling the feelings and allowing them to move through and release – that’s the solution.
How you do one thing is how you do everything. Horses have always been my spiritual healer.
I took the kids to see Aquaman tonight – it was a… yummy…. movie to say the least.
Our holiday time is coming to an end. We put Christmas away, and the kids are getting ready to go back to school. There are so many mixed feelings. This time last year we took mom to the hospital for the last time. As we enter next couple of weeks, there will be lots of memories, tears, laughs, and mourning. It all combines together.
But there sure are a lot of gifts she left us. The boy has been talking so much lately of how much of her time she gave him. The gift of time is precious. She always let him know he was important to her, and he holds that memory now as he moves forward in life.
We had some huge news in our family today – the boy got accepted into his program of choice for next year! I still can’t believe he’s old enough to graduate, forget start his adult life – but I’m so proud of him and he’s going to do so well!
He was happy dancing all around the kitchen this afternoon when he got his letter. He really needed this win – we all did. It warmed my heart to hear him say that he now can see all the dreams he’s had for his future coming true.
I wasn’t sure how I was going to handle Christmas this year – my first one without mom.
Turns out it was a lovely day. Different, sad in some ways, but it was a very meaningful Christmas.
The kids and I spent a lot of time talking about mom and dad, sharing memories- but we also made new ones and really relaxed into the present moment.
And we were surrounded by our tribe which made it all happier and more filled with love. What would we do without our tribe? I am so grateful for these people.
Everyone has their own struggles, the joy and sadness mixed together. But as long as love is the main theme we will all be just fine
And as an addd bonus we are all full of grandmas Christmas sauce
Family and friends joined together today to say goodbye to my great-aunt. She was an amazing lady who raised a loving family, and was kind of a hub of the community.
For years Christmas and Canada day parties have been held at her place – and they are some of my favourite events of the year. There was always lots of family and food and laughter every time I was at her place.
It was hard watching people I love grieve the loss of their mother, made me realize how much of my own grieving I have yet to do. But also it was beautiful to be a part of this ritual. Seeing family and friends come together and support and love each other – that’s what it’s all about.
Instead of regular hymns, we sang a couple of Christmas carols as it was a more fitting tribute to my aunt who loved Christmas.
We did our annual gingerbread house building tonight. I’ve learned that I have gingerbread control issues and I need my own house.
I’m not good at it, in fact it looks like a drunk toddler did my house, but I seem to need to tell the kids how to do theirs. So now I get my own
This year though, after my house falling apart 3 times and much swearing, the girl booted me out of my seat so she could fix things.
They may not be pretty, but we laughed so hard. It’s a great tradition. We need the laughs, it’s hard accepting mom isn’t here this year.
Because I never know where life is going to take me, for the last couple of months I’ve been taking dressage lessons. That was always on the bottom of riding disciplines I wanted to learn, and to my surprise I freaking love it.
But I’ve been having a really hard time with leg aids. Or to put it in simple English, i can’t make the damn horse move. It’s been driving nuts that I can’t seem to get my leg to understand how to move in a way that my horse understands. But no matter how hard I worked at it I wasn’t getting results.
Well today, by trying less hard and feeling the process, I was finally to understand how to make the damn go button work. I was so excited. It sounds like such a simple little thing, but it was a difficult thing for me to understand.
Like with most things, once I just surrendered and allowed to feel, I was able to get it.
I’m feeling quite accomplished.
I spent some time today with a friend talking about our intentions for the new year. We both have been so busy in survival mode and putting out fires that neither of us had had the time or energy to properly focus on examining exactly what we do and don’t want in our lives.
When I am in crisis mode it’s almost impossible for me to also be in creative mode.
Crisis mode has now ended (God I hope) and it’s time to really set my mind and heart to what I want to be coming next. I need to be the co-creator of my life.
I’ve had so many little miracles that have guided me to this point. There is no doubt for me who the other co-creator is. And I am well aware that my life would be much easier if I listened better to my divine guidance and actually surrendered. I’m not very good at either. But I sure notice an increase in life miracles when I’m better aligned with my Source
