The girl is experiencing some of what seems to be regular girl drama at school. It’s all pretty much what I remember myself from being in grade 8 with a few exceptions.
Texting changed everything. We used to leave school at school but now everyone has constant access to each other.
She’s way more mature and level headed than I remember being.
But for me the most touching part is that she sits down and talks to me about what is going on in her life.
It’s priceless.
We went to my cousin’s tonight to celebrate her son’s 19th, my somethingth and the girl’s 14th birthdays. After an amazing meal (osso bucco omg so good) and super yummy cheesecake made by my aunt, we started talking about birthdays. I mentioned how I missed the little boy who used to know all the names and numbers of the Thomas the Tank Engine trains. My niece ran to the back room and returned with a giant box of all of his Thomas trains and we immediately set them up on the table reminiscing about each train (and it’s tender if it had one). Some of my happiest little kid moments are of that kid and my boy playing Thomas – they were obsessed.
And I have to say, us adults got pretty obsessed too. We played waaaaay longer this evening with those trains than I ever would have expected – and it was so much fun.
Further proof that you can have a really good time doing really simple things – as long as you’re with people you love.
I started this blog 4 long, long years ago on my 44th birthday. My idea at the time was to track 44 days of happiness. Life was pretty sad for me then and had been for quite a while. I was in a marriage that was filled with fear and pain, and I couldn’t see a way out of it that also looked after my kids. I was 2000 miles from home in a different country. I was sad, I was lonely, and I was unhappy.
So for 44 days I looked for things to make me happy. Some days it was the smallest of things – like seeing my heron on my morning walk. But I did notice at the end of the 44 days I felt better, more positive, happier.
So I kept it up. I blogged every day for over three years. Through the kids and I moving home, through dad dying, me getting divorced, the boy getting very sick, me breaking my shoulder, mom dying, and the girl also being very ill.
I blogged and felt better and even through all the change and pain felt like tracking my gratitude was making a difference.
When the girl got sick it just about knocked the bottom out of my world. And at the same time I realized that someone was reading my blog who had less than loving intentions towards me and my kids. So I stopped blogging as frequently, closed that person (and the rest of the world) from that part of our lives, and got through.
But you know, maybe I should have just kept blogging. This is my life, our lives, and what happens is real. It helps me process it to share it, it helps me find happiness to remember to find moments of joy in the day.
So today, on my 48th birthday I’ll commit to 48 days of happiness and go from there.
This year, my intention for my life is to seek peace. However that looks for me, whatever changes that entails, I need to look at things in a way that leads me to peace. This means the most important thing in my world needs to be strengthening my relationship with the Divine.
Today the kids took me to Banff. The car said 14c on the way there and it was a ridiculously nice afternoon in the mountains. The greatest gift I can receive is quality time with my loved ones- and that’s exactly what I got today
there was a snow carving festival going on. What they created was amazing 
Today has been a weird day for memories. There are good ones, like remembering 19 years ago today when my cousin had her son (and he’s such an awesome human)
There are freedom memories, like the fact that 3 years ago today I filed for divorce and opened the possibility up for an entirely different kind of life.
There are sad memories like the fact that a year ago today was mom’s funeral. This one is intermixed with bittersweet happiness as I recall family and friends coming together and celebrating probably the bravest woman I ever knew.
And then there are memories of love like the one that popped up on my Facebook from 7 years ago that said this:
Mom, I probably should hold your hand more. I realize that the little girl hand I have been so used to holding will one day grow up to be a big girl hand and will probably not want to hold my hand as much, and there’s nothing like that feeling. *Long distance hand hold *
My baby was 7 then and I promise you that at 14 now the hand holding is few and far between. But there’s still a lot of love.
This is my last day of being 47. Today marks the last of the firsts without mom. But it also marks the first of a whole new future ahead of us.
Love is all there is.
The boy wore his jersey all day and after lots of yelling and stress eating he happy danced around the kitchen when they won their game and made it to the super bowl.
He’s been a Pats fan since we moved to Rhode Island and it brings him so much joy to watch them play.
A year ago this morning at 2am I got the call from Tanya at the hospital that mom had let go and gone to join dad in heaven.
I remember our middle of the night drive in when I turned to my sister and said we are orphans! And she responded with Im too young to be an orphan! I totally agreed. I don’t feel equipped to not have parents.
But what a lot I’ve learned in a year.
First I learned how much mom did, how much she helped us grieve, and how much estate work she did when dad died. I felt like my sister and I were a part of that process, but now what we’ve been doing it ourselves I realize how much mom did. And how she was there to lean on when we grieved.
I’ve learned how important my sister is to me. I don’t know how I would have made it through without her to cry and laugh with. I feel like our friendship has deepened in a way it wouldn’t have without sharing this grief together.
I’ve learned how fortunate I am to come from this tribe. My family and my friends have carried me through some dark days and brightened my smile on some lighter ones. We cannot do this thing called life alone.
I’ve learned how incredibly important my faith is.
I’ve learned how to say goodbye whether I want to or not.
And I’ve learned that at the end of the day all there is is love 💕. The rest is just noise.
I came home tonight from a friends house tired and ready for bed. I looked into the house as I pulled up and I saw Aladdin’s little face staring out the window at me.
He sleeps with me every night and he gets upset if I’m not there at bed time. I’ve noticed that if I’m out he will sit and stare out the window waiting for me to come home so he can go to bed.
The power of love 💕
It’s the night before the boy writes his first diploma exam. We are at the half way mark of his last year of high school.
He’s nervous, but there’s a lot of peace in knowing he’s qualified and accepted into his program for next year already.
But still exams are stressful.
Also stressful in a different way is realizing he’s about to head off into the world. My role in his life will change, and I’m so grateful I’ve had the privilege of watching him grow into this amazing human.
I was offered a chance to ride today – on the same horse that gave me the meltdown earlier this week.
This time I wasn’t filled with anxiety, I didn’t think he was going to flip on me, I wasn’t so insecure I could barely ride. What a difference a few days makes.
I’ve found with all the crap that has happened over the last few years that I’m more afraid of things than I used to be. But I’m also aware that I’m stronger than I ever thought I was. So as long as I just keep swimming, I know I’ll get where I need to go.
Horses have always been the best way for me to work through my emotions and reflect back to me the best and most difficult parts of my life.
Conquering my fears here is helping me gain confidence in other areas of my life as well.
