The kids and I had lunch with my aunt, uncle, and some cousins today. I love this part of the family and we don’t see them often enough.
I think now that my parents are gone I cherish even more spending time with their siblings. And it was so heart warming spending time with my cousins, their children, and grandchildren.
We came home feeling very peaceful and grateful.
This has by far been the most difficult year of my life. If you had asked me a year ago what I thought was coming in the year ahead, I would have said there was no way after the last few years that so much intense pain could be ahead of me, but there you have it.
A year ago today I took my unplanned dismount off my horse and shattered my shoulder, broke my helmet, and scared the crap out of myself. I spent almost 2 months barely able to move after that, needing help from my kids to do the most basic things for myself, and needing them to step up and help with care for my mom. It was truly humbling to have to ask for help to do up my bra and get dressed. They both were pretty fantastic about everything, and we had unbelievable love and support from friends and family during that first little while which was the only way we made it through. We need our tribe.
Three days after I got the all clear from the doctor that my bone had healed properly and I could begin to strengthen and gain mobility, mom started chemo. Everything seemed so intense and time seemed to move at a slower pace, but in reality things went downhill for her very quickly after that. She was in the hospital for 5 weeks with pneumonia after her first few weeks of treatment and never fully regained her strength after that.
She came home for a couple of weeks at Christmas time which was a huge blessing, and we were able to celebrate the holiday and enjoy precious time with her then. Another dark cloud appeared during this time as the kids’ other grandma (Mr X’s mom) cut off contact with them and that relationship has never been repaired.
Mom went back into hospital not too long after New Years, and passed away January 18th.
As I was still trying to absorb that loss and mourn, my daughter became critically ill and the next few months were spent caring for and supporting her.
To add to my sorrow, I was betrayed by someone I loved and trusted which caused me incredible pain, and somehow Mr. X was allowed to fall through the cracks of the system and become almost $50,000 behind in his payments which has put a huge financial strain on my family.
I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about my relationships and weeding out the ones that aren’t healthy for me. Sadly I’ve come to the conclusion that my most important relationship, my most loved one, after God and my children also isn’t one that I am able to continue and I’ve decided to sell my beloved horse. I will be getting a new one, but I’ve tried and tried and although I love him with all my heart it just isn’t meant to be.
Today I get to close the chapter on this year of pain. It doesn’t mean I get to leave all those emotions behind me, it just means that I intend to move ahead and continue to seek happiness and peace.
In reality, all I want to do is go to bed for 2 weeks and cry. We went and saw the second Mama Mia last night, and had I had any idea the storyline I would have chosen anything else. But it was ABBA, how could it be painful to watch right? It’s made me realize I haven’t even begun my grieving process and that I probably do need to stop and sit and cry for a little while.
So much has happened I don’t even know how to begin to absorb it.
One thing I do know is a lesson I learned from the person who deeply hurt me. I refuse to live the rest of my life being a victim of Mr. X, a victim of circumstance, a victim of low self worth, a victim of others. If the kids and I have walked through all we have been through in the last few years we are survivors, we are warriors, we have strength I never would have imagined possible.
I’ve been really struggling with my happiness journey lately. I’ve not wanted to blog or reflect on anything that has been going on. But today I feel that it’s time to move ahead, to let things go, to feel what needs to be felt. And there’s a certain amount of happiness in that release.
The boy made our first fire of the season and we are spending the evening outside enjoying it.
There has been so much stress and so many emotions these last few months, it’s nice to stop and enjoy the peacefulness of a fire.
We exceeded our allotted internet data 4 days ago and don’t roll over until Friday. This is a bigger deal since we don’t have cable or satellite tv and now we are stuck reading and taking to each other.
Actually it’s kind of nice.
This evening the boy and I were sitting in the kitchen chatting. He looked at the time – 6:30. We then told jokes, laughed at each other, and shared stories from the day. After about an hour went by he looked at his watch and said
Well, it’s 6:35 now.
Time goes slower when you unplug and live in the moment.
I finally got to the funeral home and picked up the memorial rock my sister and I had made for our parents.
It’s weird that this is a Happiness moment, and yet it’s not that weird at all. Since dad died we have marked a spot in the yard, where some of his ashes were scattered, that has been our memorial gathering place. Now we have a marker for the both of them. A place right here at home, in one of their favorite spots, where we can sit quietly (with the mosquitos) and remember them.
I miss them, but I feel their presence strongly
We had our community stampede breakfast at the hall this morning. It’s one of my favorite events of the year. I see people there that I often only get to see once a year, it reminds me how lucky we are to be in this community, and I love seeing bonds between families made stronger.
This year not only did I help because I’m a board member, but my kids helped as part of 4H. When they came home they were so light and happy. Finally they are truly feeling like they are part of this community , they have developed deep and comfortable relationships in the last 3 years that hopefully will last them a lifetime – as they have for me.
The boy and I did a trip to Bass Pro Shop today
I think it’s like Disneyland for that kid, he loves everything about the place. What I love is how hard we laugh when we are together.
Finally, on the 5th of July, I got some of the annuals put in the beds.
So many things have changed in the last few years, but one constant is the geraniums off the veranda. I don’t even like geraniums, but this is where they belong, where they have been my entire life.
The girl laughed me as I complained of the geranium smell while we planted them together.
But they bring me a lot of comfort. With so many changes, it’s important that some things stay the same.
We did some more organizing today. I have too much clutter, I’ve been holding onto clutter that isn’t mine. We all need to create more space in our lives.
I’m working at finding the balance between getting enough done and not letting us get overwhelmed. It’s a fine line and it seems to change moment by moment.
But my goal for the summer is that we come out of it better rested and more able to cope with the curves life throws.
