Author Archives: Melissa

happiness

Being vulnerable

My intuition spoke up after mom died and said that he would know I am vulnerable and to expect him to make a move. Even so, I have to say I was a little disappointed when it came today, I guess I aways have a little hope.

I spent a few hours attempting to deal with the chaos created, and then made myself take a step back. I was doing exactly what I had been trained to do: make fear based decisions. I’m tired of living that way, I’ve been making a real concentrated effort to make love based decisions. But, I’m human and it’s hard when the land mines have been planted years ago. I just never know when they’re going to go off.

I realized that much as I’m vulnerable to his fear-making, and to my own pain, my heart has also cracked open a bit wider with love. In the last 2.5 years I’ve watched both my parents die, and it has changed me. It has really made me appreciate the strength and importance of love. For both of them at the end,  all they wanted were their loved ones around them. That’s the life I have been working on creating now – I just want to spend time with my loved ones. Everything else is noise.

So we grabbed popcorn and watched a movie – together – family fun time.

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Angel at the gate

This morning was a really rough one for me. As soon as I woke up I wanted to cry- it’s been two weeks now since mom died and I am finally processing some of those emotions. The time between when dad died and when mom did were really tough ones for her – she missed him so much, her own health was failing, and she put in so much energy helping the rest of us deal with our sorrow. There just are so many feelings to sort out and let go of.

What I wanted to do was go back to bed (always the safest option), but I had a full day of things to do so we hit the ground running. As I was waiting for the gate to open so we could leave the yard I noticed an Amazon package stuck along the side. I ran out to grab it, silently praying it wasn’t something mom had ordered that was going to make me cry again. It wasn’t. It was a gift of love and joy sent just for me.

For the last few months I’ve been studying at the Health Coach Institute and they knew about mom’s passing. They sent me this beautiful angel and a thoughtful note to go along with it.

I needed that little gift of love, that reminder that the world is still carrying on and that I need to be part of it, that I have got this.

Good thing because the afternoon involved an emotionally gut wrenching appointment with my girl. As long as the reminder that the love is there to balance out the scary monsters under the bed,  it all seems doable.

On the way home from that appointment we passed 3 bald eagles sitting in the field having some sort of feast (best not to look too close). A reminder of strength, grace, and home.

Thank God for our tribe. The love and support the kids and I have been receiving is what is holding us up. Pure happiness.

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Hidden Easter Egg

After Dad died it seemed like we couldn’t get the “sick” out of the house fast enough. Even so, it took a long time to forget how Dad was “sick” and begin to remember how life was before that. The situation with Mom is a little different though, and it almost feels like a reverse in emotions.

We had to take her wheelchairs and lifts back to the mobility store today. Some of the items she’s had well over 20 years, and the new wheelchair she got after Dad died made her life so much easier. But this time it was really hard to pack these things up and take them out of the house. It’s one more step out of the little bubble of denial I’ve put myself into. I had the thought as we were loading things into the car how will mom get around the house when she gets back if her chair isn’t here? Then… oh, yeah. Crap.

Fortunately Heather came with me. Thank God for Heather, what would we have done without her the last couple of years. She was essential for mom, but she became a good friend and family member to all of us. There’s something about having been through something so raw like caring for Mom and then having her pass away that really makes you realize there’s no point in having up any boundaries – so we have had some pretty deep life conversations.

And then when we were dropping off the chairs and the emotion felt like it was so thick we couldn’t breathe, the man lifted up Mom’s seat and a chocolate Easter egg fell out. I swear, that woman hid chocolate everywhere. I am finding little stashes all over the house – which makes sense since I also have little chocolate stashes in my house (and car, and purse, and backpack).

Even in the moments where all I want to do is cry, there are little sparks of joy and happiness. I guess that’s life.

I ran away later for a few minutes of horse aromatherapy. I hadn’t seen my boy in a couple of weeks, I was pretty sure he thought I’d sold him and he was allowed to just sit in a field and eat hay now. But he came walking up to me as soon as I got to his field. Just standing with him for even a few minutes helped balance me and open my heart up a little bit more.

That face ❤️

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Family time

Today was the first day in weeks that the kids and I have had to ourselves. We’ve needed the support and the people surrounding us with love, but today we needed to be just us.

We talked out some feelings, shared memories, laughed, cried, and cleaned the house (holy what a mess it became).

As an introvert it’s really important for me to have quiet time to recharge and I feel like I had some of that today. I’ve let myself get out of balance, I need to take better care of that.

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Mom’s rock

This afternoon my sister, Heather, and I took a walk out to mom’s rock to spend some time with her memories. Before she got polio it was where she would go and sit and be still with the universe.

When we were kids my sister and I used to sit out there too.

We stood and looked at the view and shared stores and let out feelings.

I realized today that although people have died in the house (both my grandparents, and my parents only days after leaving the house), that everyone also lived in the house. Generations of my family have lived here, gathered at the table, laughed, cried, and loved.

I feel so fortunate that this is home.

Mom’s rock covered in snow, and the happiest dog in the world.

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The presence of fear

The presence of fear is a sure sign you are trusting in your own strength

I can always tell when I’m living a fear based life because that’s when things start falling apart. As soon as I think I am in control, as soon as I think I can only depend on myself (or worse, someone else) shit hits the fan.

When I can turn it over to God, connect to my Source, trust in the power of the universe, then suddenly things fall into place. Maybe not in the way I would have liked, but in the long run it always turns out even better than I could have imagined.

I’m sitting on a plane getting ready to return to my regular life after a wonderful escape weekend with a good friend. I needed this time to rebalance myself and catch my breath. And now I have to figure out how I’m going to face the reality that my life has changed forever. Even though I thought in many ways that I’ve been preparing for mom’s death for years – it still kicked me in the gut and felt like it all happened so fast.

When I got to my seat I turned on my kindle and started a new book – The Universe Has Your Back – and one of the first things I read was this:

I know this is true. I have had huge miracles happen in my life because I chose love instead of fear. Love and trusting in my faith saved my life and got us out of a dangerous situation, it got me home, it got me Drishti, it reconnected me to my family and friends.

The presence of love will always cast out fear.

I watched this happen with Mom just two weeks ago. I saw her give it up to God, I sat with her as she came to a place of peace. The very last thing she said to me and to my kids was I love you.

The power of love is always going to be stronger than the power of fear.

I know there are changes I have to make in my life, but this is the first one and the most important of all of them.

Always choose love. Always.

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State of denial

I’ve jokingly said that denial is my new coping mechanism but honestly it’s been a little bubble that has protected me the last little bit.

I’ve been able to extend my state of denial a little bit this weekend as I’ve been away with a friend. It hasn’t been completely effective, and there have been random bursts of tears, moments of holy crap this can’t be real, and shock when I remember mom is gone.

But then I go back into my bubble. It’s not that I’m hiding from reality, it’s just a lot to absorb and I’m honestly pretty grateful I have these couple of days to just be away. We watched a stupid movie tonight and I laughed like life was normal.

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On turning 47

Three years ago today I started my happiness blog. It was supposed to last 44 days and bring me to a better place inside. Back then I was desperately praying that the kids and I would be freed from the unsafe home we were living in.

In those three years we were granted our miracle, came home, dad died, went through the ugliest divorce possible and lost everything financially (and the kids lost their entire paternal side), and then mom died.

A lot has happened.

This blog has kept me sane through all of that. It has given me a space to sort things out and do some healing. There has been a lot of sorrow, but every single day I’ve found at least one moment of happiness.

Today my moment of happiness is a birthday escape with a friend. There are so many emotions today I’m not quite sure how to handle them all.

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Saying goodbye

We had mom’s funeral today. It was beautiful, sad, sweet, joyful, heart wrenching. It had all the feelings. It was a service that did honour to mom’s memory, including the most beautiful eulogy given by my uncle.

Last night when we were out with my Ontario relatives, and again today from my uncle (mom’s brother) I was made aware of the common theme that runs on both sides of my family.

Hold your loved ones dear, give whenever you can, never give up, always reach out in kindness, live with grace and dignity.

That was how both of my parents lived, and they were perfectly paired together to express this way of life.

I really, really miss her; but I have this huge sense of peace that she’s with Dad.

I was so worried today that I’d feel so alone, but my tribe surrounded me and carried me through the entire ceremony and reception after. With every deep breath and eye dab I was constantly aware that I was not alone. I was told that, it was transferred in hugs, it was said with sad smiles. I even offered myself up for adoption to the neighbours (they accepted but I think they thought I was kidding. They’ll be surprised when we show up for supper!”

There was so much love in that church, and it was so fitting. That’s how both mom and dad lived their lives. They made close connections to the people around them and offered love and kindness whenever possible.

I am so incredibly grateful for all the love and support from all of our friends and family. That is true soul happiness.

And a bonus happiness is the 18th birthday of my dear nephew. He’s a great kid and now he’ll be a great adult.

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Come together

My sister, my kids and I went out for supper with my aunt and uncle tonight. They’re my dad’s sister and brother in law and they (along with a few of our cousins) flew in for mom’s funeral tomorrow. There’s something so great about family – even though we are miles apart and don’t spend a lot of time together – we love each other deeply and share so many stories. It’s the good part about funerals, it brings everyone together. There were a few great moments around the table as we laughed. There’s always a silver lining.

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