We had an awesome family afternoon at the creek. I didn’t realize how badly I needed to be there until we were at the water – this is by far my favorite place in the world.
It was a little emotional as we also scattered some of mom and dad’s ashes. It was one of their favorite places too.
We watched a family of ducks head down the creek in an orderly file, but scattered in chaos as they headed back up. The huge mismatched family reminded me of my own beautiful tribe.
This has by far been the most difficult year of my life. If you had asked me a year ago what I thought was coming in the year ahead, I would have said there was no way after the last few years that so much intense pain could be ahead of me, but there you have it.
A year ago today I took my unplanned dismount off my horse and shattered my shoulder, broke my helmet, and scared the crap out of myself. I spent almost 2 months barely able to move after that, needing help from my kids to do the most basic things for myself, and needing them to step up and help with care for my mom. It was truly humbling to have to ask for help to do up my bra and get dressed. They both were pretty fantastic about everything, and we had unbelievable love and support from friends and family during that first little while which was the only way we made it through. We need our tribe.
Three days after I got the all clear from the doctor that my bone had healed properly and I could begin to strengthen and gain mobility, mom started chemo. Everything seemed so intense and time seemed to move at a slower pace, but in reality things went downhill for her very quickly after that. She was in the hospital for 5 weeks with pneumonia after her first few weeks of treatment and never fully regained her strength after that.
She came home for a couple of weeks at Christmas time which was a huge blessing, and we were able to celebrate the holiday and enjoy precious time with her then. Another dark cloud appeared during this time as the kids’ other grandma (Mr X’s mom) cut off contact with them and that relationship has never been repaired.
Mom went back into hospital not too long after New Years, and passed away January 18th.
As I was still trying to absorb that loss and mourn, my daughter became critically ill and the next few months were spent caring for and supporting her.
To add to my sorrow, I was betrayed by someone I loved and trusted which caused me incredible pain, and somehow Mr. X was allowed to fall through the cracks of the system and become almost $50,000 behind in his payments which has put a huge financial strain on my family.
I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about my relationships and weeding out the ones that aren’t healthy for me. Sadly I’ve come to the conclusion that my most important relationship, my most loved one, after God and my children also isn’t one that I am able to continue and I’ve decided to sell my beloved horse. I will be getting a new one, but I’ve tried and tried and although I love him with all my heart it just isn’t meant to be.
Today I get to close the chapter on this year of pain. It doesn’t mean I get to leave all those emotions behind me, it just means that I intend to move ahead and continue to seek happiness and peace.
In reality, all I want to do is go to bed for 2 weeks and cry. We went and saw the second Mama Mia last night, and had I had any idea the storyline I would have chosen anything else. But it was ABBA, how could it be painful to watch right? It’s made me realize I haven’t even begun my grieving process and that I probably do need to stop and sit and cry for a little while.
So much has happened I don’t even know how to begin to absorb it.
One thing I do know is a lesson I learned from the person who deeply hurt me. I refuse to live the rest of my life being a victim of Mr. X, a victim of circumstance, a victim of low self worth, a victim of others. If the kids and I have walked through all we have been through in the last few years we are survivors, we are warriors, we have strength I never would have imagined possible.
I’ve been really struggling with my happiness journey lately. I’ve not wanted to blog or reflect on anything that has been going on. But today I feel that it’s time to move ahead, to let things go, to feel what needs to be felt. And there’s a certain amount of happiness in that release.
I finally got to the funeral home and picked up the memorial rock my sister and I had made for our parents.
It’s weird that this is a Happiness moment, and yet it’s not that weird at all. Since dad died we have marked a spot in the yard, where some of his ashes were scattered, that has been our memorial gathering place. Now we have a marker for the both of them. A place right here at home, in one of their favorite spots, where we can sit quietly (with the mosquitos) and remember them.
I miss them, but I feel their presence strongly
We had our community stampede breakfast at the hall this morning. It’s one of my favorite events of the year. I see people there that I often only get to see once a year, it reminds me how lucky we are to be in this community, and I love seeing bonds between families made stronger.
This year not only did I help because I’m a board member, but my kids helped as part of 4H. When they came home they were so light and happy. Finally they are truly feeling like they are part of this community , they have developed deep and comfortable relationships in the last 3 years that hopefully will last them a lifetime – as they have for me.
We went to one of my favorite family parties tonight. The hosts throw the absolute best parties and are some of the kindest people I know.
Added bonus is there’s a lot of extended family who goes to this party who I don’t get to see at other times of the year.
Canadian/American tug of war 
I met my soul sister tonight for a long overdue supper and some laughs. These last few months have exhausted me and I haven’t made time for my friends like I needed to.
But tonight we talked about serious things and laughed about stupid things. It was exactly what I needed.
I’ve got some great people in my tribe 💖
The girl and I took a road trip to Waterton today. It’s a happy place for both of us – we love the mountains but at this time of year the wildflowers are spectacular.
I find it amazing how quickly my soul resets to a peaceful state when we enter the park. It’s so beautiful there you never have to doubt the existence of God. Who else could have created this place?
I was at school today while the kids cleaned out their lockers. A teacher came up to me and asked if I was the girl’s mom. I said yes, and he sat down beside me and told me how much he liked my kid and was looking forward to having her in class again next year.
He left and then came back and sat down and said he needed to share a story with me. He went on to tell of a day when kids weren’t behaving and not only did my girl listen, but she came to him and showed empathy for his frustration.
It’s important to share these kinds of compliments. It warmed my heart, and when I told the girl it warmed hers too. I love the school they attend.
You know it’s funny, it seems like when life is in crisis I forget all my coping skills.
My dad and I used to talk about this on our walks along the ridge. He said that prayer and meditation were so important for him in the good times because they stored up love and hope that carried him through the bad times when he maybe wasn’t as consistent at his spiritual practice.
I feel the same way.
But I’ve been back out with my guy who brings balance and love to my life.
He’s my SUV – spiritual utility vehicle
The boy and I watched some of Tony Robbins I am not your guru this afternoon. I was amazed at how fast he connected to what this man was saying. It started with him grumbling when I suggested he might enjoy it, but it ended with him saying what an amazing documentary it was.
When I was 17 I don’t think I even knew what self improvement was, but this kid is working hard all the time to be a better person. He wants to break cycles and become a man he will be proud of.
