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My fairy godmother. 

I am really lucky in the godmother department. When I was a kid, my godmother really was like a fairy godmother – always stopping by with treats, good cheer, and a twinkle in her eye. She is the standard by which godmothers are set. I’m afraid I’ve failed terribly in comparison in my appointment with my niece, but it is an incredibly hard act to follow. 

This afternoon, her daughter – my sister’s godmother- had us over for tea. Not your North American tea either please and thank you. High tea (they are Scottish) with scones and jam, little sandwiches, butter tarts…. you get the picture. 

We sat outside and visited – something we have not done properly in years. Something that was so important to do with these life long friends who are family. They have been an incredibly important part of my life and it was a very blessed happiness moment to get to spend the afternoon with them.  

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Friendship. 

I had tea today with a dear friend. She’s a wonderful combination of friend and family – I have always felt so comfortable around her and we have always been able to talk about anything. We sat on out on her beautiful deck looking at the mountains and fields and sky and chatted for hours. I love the kind of friendship where you can talk about everything and nothing. 

She said something today that made me think about the effort I need to put into my friendships – even these easy ones. Maybe especially these easy ones. She didn’t say this in relation to me, yet it hit home. It was that some of us want to have friends, we complain about not having friends or spending enough time with friends – yet we don’t want to put in the effort that comes with having a friend. I’m so like that. I never get together with my friends. What? Go out tonight? But I’m tired. I want to go to bed and read.  It’s the unfortunate price of being an introvert. Yet when I’m out and with my friends I’m so happy. 

So, I need to stay mindful of putting in that effort because it brings me joy. 

Sitting with her and chin-wagging was a happiness moment. 

A bonus one was coming home to a bored little girl and doing this to entertain her:

   
   
Like a friendship, it took some effort – an hour to catch and tack up the horses – but so worth it. I actually enjoy the process of riding almost as much as the actual riding. 

I mentioned during my visit today that if I could pick what I wanted to be when I grow up that it would be what I’m doing right now. I love being with the kids, being a mom full time, working on strengthening all of our relationships. I am very blessed and grateful. 

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The community hall 

One of the most difficult things about leaving home 10 years ago was the loss of our community. We moved to three very different places with three very different cultures (Quebec, New England, and Southern Virginia). We learned a lot, made some friends and did our best to settle in, but nowhere was home like it is here. 

My family is lucky enough to be a part of a very special community. Being from an old ranching family, most of the people in our area are either related or have been neighbors for 150 years. This makes for some strong bonds, some strife, and some fun parties. 

We have an old community hall which is not far from my house. My grandparents generation built the hall and brought the community together there. Actually, I learned today that the same people who put the wood on the old house I’m living in did the inside of the hall. 

There are old pictures of parties at the hall. My grandpa playing the fiddle, and various other relatives playing instruments while people danced. As a kid, I remember going to dances there. Well, to be clear us kids got to go to the pre dance dance because later on it got a little wild (as an adult later on I went to these dances and I agree with that assessment).   We would dance around, do the Butterfly, giggle with friends and cousins, and sit on the phone two seater outhouse and talk about how cool it was (they have indoor plumbing now thank goodness). 

At Christmas time, families would gather there for the annual Christmas concert. We would preform whatever talents we had, and at the end of the evening Santa would arrive and give us all presents. We used to call Santa on one of those old fashioned phones attached to a wall to see how much longer he was going to be. Some of my favorite Christmas memories are of those parties. 

Every year there’s a Stampede breakfast and the community comes together to visit and eat. It’s a great way to catch up on what everyone’s up to and it’s one of those events that you know all the old aunts and uncles are going to be at. 

It is a true community and I appreciate it now even more than I did before we left. Being a part of this tribe has always grounded me and made me feel at home and safe. 

My happiness moment today was going to a bridal shower at the hall. The bride has also been gone from the community for quite a few years. Yet everyone showed up to support her and celebrate with her. We sat around and looked at presents, visited, drank tea, and ate all those yummy treats that only show up at hall parties. This happiness moment made me shine from the inside out. I am so blessed to be part of this community, and I now to get to bring the kids up here in this safety net of love. 

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Melissa means honeybee 

Today was a missing Dad kind of day. I’m not really sure why – it was no different than any other day. 

I woke up at 3am because the house is 10 million degrees and we can’t open windows because Ella the Cat tries to jump out the second story (no screens). So I lay there thinking how ironic that it was probably only 10C outside and yet I was sweating away. Remind me of that in a couple of months when it’s -30 and I can’t get warm enough. 

I started thinking about Dad in the present tense and then had that terrible reminder that Dad in the present tense exists as an angel. That was a horrifying moment. I lay there thinking how surreal  the last few months have been. I even wished that I could go back to that afternoon in the hospice after he died when we were all gathered together. Not because I want to relive that moment, but because in that moment I knew it was real and now I keep pretending that it’s not. 

I dropped Jenna off at her camp at the SPCA and as I was getting ready to leave I ran into the mom of an old friend. They were a family we did Pony Club with and we spent a lot of time together in my teen years. She asked (naturally enough) how my family was doing and my brain responded with well, dad is dead so I’m not sure how he is, the rest of us are doing ok I suppose. I think my mouth gave a more politically correct version of that truth. 

I find I can write about it here, I can tell the banker about Dad, but when I have to tell someone close to me, I completely lose my shit. I really enjoyed the rest of our visit, but the entire time I felt totally shaken by having to say those words. 

So, thoughts of Dad hung around the rest of the day. When Jenna and I went to Community Natural Foods to do some shopping after camp I saw this:

  
Dad took a family favourite photo of a bee flying out of a sunflower that we have hanging over the door at their place. This doesn’t do justice to his photo (I don’t have the mad skills he did and this was taken with my iPhone) but it grounded me. For a few moments Jenna and I just stood there and stared at the bee in the sunflower and felt peace. It was a powerful little moment and I felt like I was being reminded of all the love and good times we shared and all the wonderful things to come. My happiness moment. 

Staring at the bee – in Greek, Melissa means honeybee – I felt loved and safe. 

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It’s MY happiness moment. 

We had to go into the mall today. Kind of a bummer because  it was 31C out and since it’s the 11th of August, summer could end without  notice. That said, at least we were going to the store for a fun shopping experience. I was buying a birthday present for a niece and it included a stop at Lululemon. 

Say what you will about the place, I always have a happy shopping experience at Lululemon. Sure, the clothes run a bit pricy – but I love them, and I’ve noticed all clothes everywhere are pricy. I balance my obsession by doing the rest of our shopping  at TJ Maxx or Winners. 

Jenna and I played around in the store, for the first time ever I even let her try on some clothes (something I’d avoided as I didn’t want to share my small funding for my clothes with her) and she had a blast. She brought in a whole bunch of clothes and found a pair of OM Pants that were on sale. Thank goodness for their sales. I bought her the pair for her first day of school, got the gift certificate and we ran out of the store before I weakened and bought everything in sight. 

As we were standing in the mall figuring where to go next Jenna sat on the Lululemon wall and said mommy, take a picture of me. 

  

She was very insistent that I take the picture and wanted it to be a good one. When I asked her why she was making such a big deal of it, she said I want you to write about it in your blog mommy. I want this to be your happiness moment today because it’s my happiness moment. She reached over and grabbed my hand. I want us to share our happiness moment today. 

What a sweetheart. And that right there was my happiness moment. 

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What’s in your purse?

Today was a pretty mellow day. I hurt my knee a couple of weeks ago and it seems to be getting worse instead of better. Of course, that’s likely because even though it was hurting I just kept on going. I mean, it’s summer and there are things to do. Like go horseback riding. I would be crazy to turn that down. 

It finally got sore enough that I had to stop and take notice. So, while Jenna went to camp at the SPCA today I lay around and moved as little as possible. That was kind of a happy thing in itself. Although, what I really wanted to do was go to my garden, go riding, go to the creek…. Go go. It’s so cold for so long it is hard to slow down in summer when the days are long and the sun is shining. 

Jenna had a wonderful time and camp and as a huge bonus has made a friend. Hopefully that friendship blossoms over the week. 

My happiness moment today was a reminder as to how funny my kids are when they’re relaxed and happy. We went into our local cheese shop (happiness just that we have a cheese shop. And it’s beside a gelato shop) and there were two men there who looked to be in their 60s. At first I thought it was a man and a woman because the shorter one had his back turned to me and was carrying a giant Coach purse. Not a man purse, a woman purse. Because I was waiting in line and bored I listened to them as they told the sales lady how their wives were out of town and they were trying to figure out what to feed themselves and what to do while on their own. 

When we were pulling out of the lot I made a comment to Jacob how weird it was that the man was carrying around a woman’s purse when there was no woman around. Jacob said that maybe he was gay but I said no, they were talking about their wives being away. Jacob responded with 

Maybe he doesn’t know how to look after himself and he needs his wife’s  purse with him. I mean, women’s purses are like survival kits. Whenever I need something all I do is look through your purse and it’s there. I’d carry around a woman’s purse too. I think it was brilliant. 

A whole different perspective. I love that kid. I agree too, they are awesomely handy and I think men would likely be really surprised how much they enjoyed carrying around man purses. After all, it works well in other cultures. 

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Forgive us our trespasses. 

My cousin invited us to go to her church this morning. They have been studying the Lord’s Prayer and today she was doing the sermon based on forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. 

Heavy stuff. 

That forgiveness thing is hard work. I think by a certain age we have all been hurt or betrayed by someone we love, and learning how to come to terms with that can be excruciating. As she said, when you are hurt by someone you love and trust you feel like one of the laws of life have been broken.  Our inner circle of trusted people aren’t supposed to betray us, and when they do it is a life altering experience. 

I struggle with the knowledge that I need to forgive. That the anger I hold towards the betrayer is really only damaging me. But forgiveness is such a complex thing. I feel like we have been taught (or maybe just I was taught) that what we need to do is just forgive and move on. But sometimes the hurt has cut so deep that it’s not that simple. Then I feel like a failure when I have tried to forgive but I just can’t do it.

But forgiveness is a process. And when it’s a deep hurt sometimes that process takes time. Like a lot of time. I need to honour that process. 

Then there is the whole turn the other cheek idea that also seems to be a part of this forgiveness path. My cousin talked (and even had it acted out) about what turning the other cheek really means. How it’s not about continuing to be a victim to the person who is hurting   you, but rather a non violent means of regaining your power and your dignity. 

Which I needed to hear, because  when I get hurt my gut instinct is to make that person feel hurt back – or at the very least let other people know what an ass they have been. But, there is a dignity that is gained by taking the high road and not dropping to their level. Honestly, if it’s a personality trait in the other person, eventually other people see it as well and there is no point in you having also become someone inflicting pain. Easier said than done, but more rewarding in the end. There’s also that small fact that we are all imperfect people trying to do our best – this does not mean that I need to let that forgiven betrayer back into my inner circle of trusted people. But it’s important to remember that if I’m a loved child of God, then so are they. 

I believe that things come to you when you need them. I really needed to her her sermon today. I need to actively continue my process of forgiveness. For my own soul and health, to make me a better person. Hearing these wise and well thought out words from someone I love and respect made them have all the more impact. 

I need to keep working and allowing that process. Listening to her sermon was my spiritual happiness moment today. 

My other joyful happiness moment was this afternoon. The kids and I went to the creek for a swim. It’s still warm water in our mountain creek – huge bonus- and the swimming holes are so deep the kids brought snorkels and flippers. I watched them swim up and down for hours. 

 

When they were done we sat on the shore staring at the water in silence. Jacob sighed and said I miss grandpa. Being at the creek was something he loved so much, and he was always so good about playing with the kids. But then instead of just sitting and crying (ok I admit I sat and cried) we shared memories of fun things we had done with him, memories of things he’d told us, and then moved into the present and future and talked about when we would swim next and which hill looked good for tobogganing this winter. Which is what Dad would want I think – for us to keep loving and living and looking ahead while remembering the past. I miss him so much, especially at times like that. But he gave us a lot of good things to hold onto and move forward with. 

We are very blessed. 
  

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Coming home 

 It is so important to have somewhere you can come home to. Whether that is a physical location or a state of mind- we all need that safe place where we can relax and be ourselves and be loved. 

Tonight we celebrated the coming home of more family who are living away – who have  a home away from home, and yet always know that there is the safety and security of this original home. It was so good for my soul to have this little celebration and visit with cousins I haven’t seen in too long – to see a little who was a babe the last time I saw him and now is an amazing kid with the cute high pitched helium like voice. 

I was talking with a cousin tonight about what we would do if we won the lottery. We both agreed that the security would be a huge load off our minds – to know we are cared for and can provide for our loved ones – but that there wasn’t much in the day to day that we would change. We both smiled at each other and said I love my life. There isn’t much that I need to change in it. What a brilliant happiness moment inside a larger happiness moment. The realization that we are living happy lives. 

  

Because we live in the most beautiful place. A lucky rainbow shone on us for a really long time. It kept changing and shifting, but it was celebrating right along with us (thanks Dad). 
 

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