Put on a happy face

I feel strongly that in order to truly feel happiness one must also feel all the other feelings. Inside Out did a great job of explaining that for us all and the movie was instrumental in learning to grieve properly after dad died.

So in the midst of gratitude, love, and peace, I also have this intense anger. Like I’m mad as f*ck.

And I need to acknowledge that. I refuse to be Facebook happy – you know where everyone pretends their life is perfect. Gratitude is essential to life, and I am happier than I was last year, happier than 4 years ago, and so much happier than 5 years ago when we were still trapped in that life.

But still, shattered pieces remain of that old life.

I’ve spent the last couple of months dealing with my lawyer again. We are having to take Mr. X back to court. Not only is he almost 70k behind in payments, he’s refusing to pay Section 7, and he’s refusing to say how he will he helping pay the boy’s tuition next year. The boy has worked hard to get into his program and it’s devastating for him that instead of an I am proud of you, son; that I have to take Mr. X to court.

Here’s the catch. If he refuses to pay his share of the tuition the boy won’t be able to go to school (he doesn’t qualify for loans since his dad earns so much money – haha what a joke that is) and if he doesn’t go to school, Mr. X doesn’t have to pay child support. You see where this is going right?

I had a conversation a while ago with someone who said to me that solo parenting must be so difficult since I never got a break.

I responded with, no- that’s not the hard part of it. The hard part is that my kids don’t have a dad. That is the hard part. The hard part is that the man who is supposed to love and protect them is hell bent on destroying them.

And my happiness moment is that inside all this anger and hurt and frustration- I know we will be ok. I know love will win, I know they are fantastic human beings who may be struggling with after effects of trauma, but they are absolutely amazing people who shine love into the world every chance they get.

Over and over I feel like The Who’s in Whoville – we will keep singing and we will keep healing.

And I will keep standing up to him.

I have to. My kids deserve better. So do I.


Surprise snow day

We got pummeled with a snow storm last night. The roads were awful and they even closed most of the highways around us. Fortunately we had nowhere to go and were safely at home.

As a result we had a trapped in the house day today and spent quiet time doing quiet things. It was awesome, my soul feels more nourished and my body feels less tired.

Life happens in the little moments, it’s important to appreciate all of them.


End games

When I picked the kids up from school this afternoon there was a great deal of concern that if they didn’t immediately see the new Avengers movie that someone would spoil it for them.

We managed to get to the city for the 4pm showing and the kids used gift cards they’d received from their very cool aunt and uncle (my cousin in law and cousin) to pay for us all to get in (added bonus! I was so excited I got us popcorn).

I won’t spoil the movie. But it was excellent. Lots of Tony Stark which was awesome in my books – but those movies never disappoint.


How much is that puddy-cat in the window

The girl was reunited with her precious cat when we returned home. All the animals were happy to see us, but little Abu has a special relationship with my girl. She calls Abu her therapy animal, and I think they share an incredibly special bond. The two have been inseparable ever since.

This morning when I returned home from the school drop off I saw the saddest little face in our window

Little Abu staring outside looking for her girl.

Love is precious – it is the only thing that is real.


Faith in humanity

We are sitting on our plane in Calgary having arrived safely from Victoria. On the way here a woman had a medical emergency – I’m not exactly sure what is going on

As we taxied in, the pilot asked us to remain seated so they could deal with the emergency safely.

The plane is full. Every single person sat in silence while they arranged for paramedics for this woman. They started to allow people off the plane who were in rows ahead of her, and again in silence people grabbed their belongings and departed.

The rest of us are quietly sitting here waiting for her to be assisted and taken to hospital.

We all get in a rush – to go somewhere, to go home, to get a connecting flight – or just get self absorbed sometimes.

I’m so inspired by the flight attentants and the other passengers who all have remembered that the health and safety of all of us is the most important thing at the end of the day.

Prayers for this woman. I hope she’s ok.


Unexpected lunch

We decided to go out for fish and chips today. My parents had a favorite place in town and the kids and I had tried it before. Today however, they were closed- holiday Monday and all. We didn’t know what to do- we had no food back at the hotel and by this time we were really craving fish and chips.

We ended up at the restaurant on the wharf. They were full and there was a wait, but the waitress offered us a spot on the patio. It was a bit chilly, it had been raining, but she said it was enclosed and heated so we decided to try it.

Turned out it was the best decision we could have made. We were out there when only one other lady, we had a fantastic view, and we had an absolutely delicious meal.

The lady struck up a conversation with us. It seems often people sit down and tell us their life stories and today was no different. But she also asked the kids about their dreams for the future and then really encouraged them when they shared. She explained some of her life philosophies about living with passion. We talked about horses, travel, food, and how much we all loved Sidney.

When we left, both kids said how she had said things every really needed to hear and what a weirdly unexpected gift our lunch companion was.

It’s important to stop and talk – and listen- to people. We are all connected.


Easter at the cathedral

I love Easter- it’s a reminder that we are always forgiven, it’s never too late to change, and there is always hope. It’s joy and love. It’s family and friends. It’s God’s love shining on us.

We went to church at the cathedral this morning, the same place where my parents used to take us for Easter service when we were kids.

I was sitting in our pew when I looked at the couple ahead of us. They looked so familiar and after sending a picture and text to my sister, and doing some stalking through the pamphlet (she was a reader) I realized they were people I knew from childhood. Specifically the minister and his wife from our church in Calgary. The current dean of the church was also a minister at our Calgary church. I didn’t see him this year, but often our past bishop is also at this service.

All I could think is wherever we go, there we are. No wonder this place feels like a second home to me.

We met my friend after and had tea and wandered Victoria for a while. These types of friendships are important- they must be cherished.

There is always time for love, it will always overpower fear, we must choose hope and peace.