I feel strongly that in order to truly feel happiness one must also feel all the other feelings. Inside Out did a great job of explaining that for us all and the movie was instrumental in learning to grieve properly after dad died.
So in the midst of gratitude, love, and peace, I also have this intense anger. Like I’m mad as f*ck.
And I need to acknowledge that. I refuse to be Facebook happy – you know where everyone pretends their life is perfect. Gratitude is essential to life, and I am happier than I was last year, happier than 4 years ago, and so much happier than 5 years ago when we were still trapped in that life.
But still, shattered pieces remain of that old life.
I’ve spent the last couple of months dealing with my lawyer again. We are having to take Mr. X back to court. Not only is he almost 70k behind in payments, he’s refusing to pay Section 7, and he’s refusing to say how he will he helping pay the boy’s tuition next year. The boy has worked hard to get into his program and it’s devastating for him that instead of an I am proud of you, son; that I have to take Mr. X to court.
Here’s the catch. If he refuses to pay his share of the tuition the boy won’t be able to go to school (he doesn’t qualify for loans since his dad earns so much money – haha what a joke that is) and if he doesn’t go to school, Mr. X doesn’t have to pay child support. You see where this is going right?
I had a conversation a while ago with someone who said to me that solo parenting must be so difficult since I never got a break.
I responded with, no- that’s not the hard part of it. The hard part is that my kids don’t have a dad. That is the hard part. The hard part is that the man who is supposed to love and protect them is hell bent on destroying them.
And my happiness moment is that inside all this anger and hurt and frustration- I know we will be ok. I know love will win, I know they are fantastic human beings who may be struggling with after effects of trauma, but they are absolutely amazing people who shine love into the world every chance they get.
Over and over I feel like The Who’s in Whoville – we will keep singing and we will keep healing.
And I will keep standing up to him.
I have to. My kids deserve better. So do I.