Tag Archives: happiness

happiness

Equine therapy

Mr. X has threatened to report me to social services as he feels “it is the only route he has to ensure the safety and protection of his children.” Apparently in the middle of this crisis we are in attacking my parenting is the most appropriate route.

The only response I had to that was to just carry on with life. I am doing the best I can – so are the kids. What else can I do?

Churchill said the outside of a horse is good for the inside of a man, and I have always believed horses have incredible healing abilities.

I took the girl out to play with Drishti this afternoon. The difference in her before and after horse time was like night and day. She laughed, smiled, relaxed, and loved on him.

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happiness

The choice

I woke up this morning tired after a difficult night with a sick kid. I sent Mr. X an email letting him know what was up, and the response I got essentially was a reminder he thinks I’m a bad mom and a useless waste of space. Lovely to hear on Mother’s Day, my first one without my mom, considering I raise the kids alone.

But then the kids got up and gave me their beautiful homemade presents, we talked about our cousin’s Mother’s Day supper, and headed to church. The sermon was on being the man of her dreams, and he spoke of how a woman should feel safe and heard and loved.

And I got to thinking – I have to choose right now how the day goes. I can focus on Mr. X – who was trying to gaslight and engage me in an argument – or I can focus on the love I have in my life.

The kids and I spent the afternoon in the garden, planning where things will go, chasing the dog, laughing, having a quick nap- and then we went to my cousin’s for supper. We sat at the table and told old stories and laughed and discussed current issues.

This tribe of mine is amazing. I feel so full of love and happiness.

Love wins.

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happiness

On the eve of my first Mother’s Day without my mom

This is a hard weekend. I know I’ll get through it because I got through the first Father’s Day without my dad, my kids have done years of Father’s Day’s workout their dad, this too shall pass.

But it’s hard not to miss her on a weekend dedicated to mothers.

Lots of people stepped in to help me and the kids when our lives fell apart – but leading that charge was my mom. I don’t know what I’d have done without her. She helped me stand up to Mr. X, not just emotionally but financially as well. We held each other up after my dad died and we were both trying to adjust to a new kind of normal.

The boy, the Bear, and I went for a walk in town today while the girl played ball. Right where our creek meets the Bow, there were a ton of crocuses – I needed to see those today

Life goes on, life is sticky and complicated, but our lives are also full of love. The love will get us through.

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happiness

Cut the chaos

I was feeling a lot of anxiety and like I was totally overwhelmed today. There’s a lob going on, a lot that has gone on.

I decided instead of pushing thorough I’d reset myself instead – so I grabbed a book and sat in grandma’s kitchen and read for an hour or so. It’s amazing how that small act brought peace and balance back to my soul.

I love that kitchen

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happiness

Heal yourself

I feel like in the last three years God has just kicked the shit out of my life. All the earthly foundations I had come to depend upon have been shattered with the deaths of my parents and a financially ruining divorce. But you know, maybe I needed my foundation to be destroyed so that I could build a new life from the ground up.

The thing about starting from 0 means that I get to recreate my life. I get to stop and think about who I really want to be for this next part of my life.

My experiences with my parents really helped me understand I need to strengthen my spiritual connection and that has become my mission.

I’m discovering that while most of the pain inflicted on me and the kids wasn’t my fault (and for a long time I believed him when he said it was), it’s my responsibility to heal from it. That has totally changed my perspective on things.

It helps me step out of being a victim, and into a role where I can actually make a change – not only for me but for the kids too.

I can’t change him, I don’t want to, and I don’t have to. But I have to change myself. I have to keep working at living from love instead of living from fear.

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House full of love

I had some of mom and dad’s old furniture hauled away today. It was ugly stuff from the 70s (why was everything orange back then?) but still, it was parts of my childhood – and reminders of the safety and security my parents provided for my sister and I.

Whatever else they did wrong – I mean we are human and no one is perfect – they both loved my sister and I so much. It was evident in the things they taught us, but mostly in the time they gave us. They were both busy, tired people – but they always made time for us and made sure we knew we were loved and important to them.

That’s what I try and pass on to my children as well. I may not have the things to give them like we had when I was married – but I can give them a house full of love and that is the best kind of happiness.

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