We are enjoying a very lovely second summer. After the massive amount of snow we got the first part of October, most of us are welcoming this weather with open hearts.
The view today was stunning. I love these mountains so much. They bring me balance and help feed my soul.
Last year when life seemed quiet I signed up for a health coaching course. There were many moments over this last year when I didn’t think I’d finish.
But today I wrote my final exam and passed with 97% and I’m officially done!
We celebrated thanksgiving with good friends of my parents today. These people reflect back to me (and the world) the same kind of love that my parents shone out.
This weekend has been full of contrasting emotions. Final internment for my parents, Banff and supper with my aunt, thanksgiving meal with family friends, and my kids and I have some trauma memories attached to thanksgiving from our old life. Highs and lows.
It’s a good reminder that life goes on and we keep making new memories every moment of our lives. We get to choose what kind of new memories we will make. I watched my kids be happier than I’ve seen them in ages spending time with him. I hadn’t realized how much they needed a man around to do things with, to laugh with, to experience things with. It brings a different kind of balance to our family and I’m grateful for that.
I am so full – in my belly and my soul. The feeling of contentment is a good one.
We took my aunt to Banff for the afternoon and a thanksgiving supper at Melissa’s. I love that town and it was awesome to share it with her.
After an emotional day it was so nice to spend some family time recharging and enjoying each other’s company. Sharing memories from my dad was also much needed.
My kids laughed and relaxed like I haven’t seen them do in ages
Today, on mom’s 78th birthday and the beginning of the thanksgiving weekend, we held an internment ceremony for mom and dad and placed their ashes in the ground at the Cochrane Cemetery.
All week long my heart and my tummy have been aching at the thought of putting the urn in the ground. Even though Dad has been gone for 3.5 years and mom for 8 months and we have already scattered ashes at the ranch, it still felt so final. However, it also felt so right. They are in the “old” part of the cemetery with family, friends, and neighbors – they are right beside my grandparents.
Standing there with our friends and family around us, it felt in the oddest of ways, like the perfect way to celebrate mom’s birthday today. She always loved a party and my uncle hosted a reception after the ceremony that was like a birthday party from heaven in her honour with dad by her side.
I am so grateful for this tribe. We need them, we need to remember we are part of something bigger both here on earth and spiritually.
After some much needed afternoon naps my sister and her crew and my aunt (thank goodness she’s here, it’s so good to have one of dad’s siblings here too) discovered it was the perfect snowman/fort day and pulled my kids into the fun. It was a great ending to an emotional day – to remind us that this place is still home and the place where we will continue to make memories and share love.
I actually feel less sad now than I did 24 hours ago.
I had the most amazing acupuncture session today. Transformational is an understatement.
We talked a bit about my losses and my inability to understand it. I came to see how it’s so much less figuring out the how’s and the whys (which my brain really wants) and more allowing myself to surrender.
I don’t know how to surrender gracefully, but it’s something I’m learning. I understand myself on such a deeper level after that process today.
Then we picked up my aunt from the airport as she’s here for the weekend. I don’t get to spend enough time with dad’s side of the family and I’m really excited to get this opportunity, even if there’s some sad emotions we all are facing.
Sadness and joy together – always.
We were grocery shopping this afternoon and I had a loud request for cranberry juice. Mom always kept the stuff by the gallon here when she was alive, it was her favourite drink, and so it was also that of my children. The boy (as he was pleading for me to buy some) said that one of his first memories was of sitting in the chair and Nana bringing him a glass of cranberry juice so they could sit and watch Mary Poppins.
The closer we get to this final internment the more I realize how far I have still to go in the grieving process for my mom. I mean, I’m still in the middle of grieving my dad. Yet here we are, and I’m glad they will be buried together as they belong together. I’m also glad we have all of these memories to share of the love they blessed us with.
Because it was so much more than cranberry juice. It was the gift of time and love that she gave the kids (and us). She loved having us all around, she loved sharing time with her grandchildren, she loved how they enjoyed doing things with her.
I’ve been thinking a lot about love, unconditional love, true love, lately. Whatever ups and downs, bumps in the road, or issues we had – I always knew that my parents loved me unconditionally. It’s a rare gift to grow up knowing that you are loved no matter what, and one that I am able to pass onto my kids because I know how to do it, because I was shown it and I was taught it. And the kids have the memories of that in little things like cranberry juice.
We had an unbelievable dumping of snow today – probably a foot and a half – and of course even though I live in Alberta I wasn’t ready for it. No snow tires meant a snow day at home which was awesome. Girls were playing in the snow, the boy and I hung out, the dogs jumped and had a blast, it was beautiful and we were lucky to enjoy it without having to go out.
Then he came over for dinner, braved the roads to join us, and after supper we drank tea and played games. When he left the boy said he hadn’t laughed so hard in over a year, and also pointed out that while I am supposed to be dating a man like my dad, it turns out I am dating a man like my son. I’m ok with that – both my dad and my son are fine examples of what a man should be. I think the boy really feeds off the male energy, and we all seem to balance each other really well. Funny the gifts God sends you when you least expect it, but wow am I filled with gratitude.
The boy went for his first full out solo drive today. It’s a big deal – I remember that sense of freedom I had the first time I drove by myself and although I don’t feel like he’s old enough – he’s more than old and responsible enough.
Things change so fast, babies grow up in the blink of an eye (such a cliche but so true), but they are such amazing humans I couldn’t be happier with the people they are becoming.
It has been 8 months since Mom died. It feels both like forever and that it’s impossible to believe it’s been that long. Seasons have changed, houses have changed, people have changed, I know for a fact that time has marched on. I watched a video the other day not realizing mom was in it – that familiar voice that I haven’t heard in what feels like so long.
It’s all part of life, this death crap, and we need to embrace the love that we received, but also the love that we have right now. Those memories are strong and I hold them dearly – but this moment in time – right now – it’s important. It’s vital we keep walking through the mourning process so that we fully embrace the beauty of the lives we are living right now, in the present moment. I think both mom and dad would like that very much.
