Today has been a weird day for memories. There are good ones, like remembering 19 years ago today when my cousin had her son (and he’s such an awesome human)

There are freedom memories, like the fact that 3 years ago today I filed for divorce and opened the possibility up for an entirely different kind of life.

There are sad memories like the fact that a year ago today was mom’s funeral. This one is intermixed with bittersweet happiness as I recall family and friends coming together and celebrating probably the bravest woman I ever knew.

And then there are memories of love like the one that popped up on my Facebook from 7 years ago that said this:

Mom, I probably should hold your hand more. I realize that the little girl hand I have been so used to holding will one day grow up to be a big girl hand and will probably not want to hold my hand as much, and there’s nothing like that feeling. *Long distance hand hold *

My baby was 7 then and I promise you that at 14 now the hand holding is few and far between. But there’s still a lot of love.

This is my last day of being 47. Today marks the last of the firsts without mom. But it also marks the first of a whole new future ahead of us.

Love is all there is.

The boy wore his jersey all day and after lots of yelling and stress eating he happy danced around the kitchen when they won their game and made it to the super bowl.

He’s been a Pats fan since we moved to Rhode Island and it brings him so much joy to watch them play.

I rode a different horse in my lesson today. This one was very similar in height to Drishti and apparently it brought out all the fears I had stuffed down inside.

When I got on I commented to my instructor that I was feeling a little nervous, but we kept going and I was fine. After about 15 minutes we stopped so she could explain something to me and I burst into tears. Not just a couple but a whole river leaked out.

And she said that makes perfect sense, you’ve experienced trauma. And I thought haha you have no idea

So finished crying and then kept riding. And I felt so much better.

Earlier today I was reading about grief and how you have to cry all the tears you need to before you can be done. If you have 24 tears to cry, then crying 17 isn’t enough

I have tears left to cry. So much changed so quickly. Dad died, I got divorced, the boy got sick, I fell off my horse and broke my shoulder, mom died, the girl got sick, I sold my horse. And in all that we were still processing the trauma from Mr. X.

Ignoring the feelings isn’t the solution. Feeling the feelings and allowing them to move through and release – that’s the solution.

How you do one thing is how you do everything. Horses have always been my spiritual healer.

I took the kids to see Aquaman tonight – it was a… yummy…. movie to say the least.

Our holiday time is coming to an end. We put Christmas away, and the kids are getting ready to go back to school. There are so many mixed feelings. This time last year we took mom to the hospital for the last time. As we enter next couple of weeks, there will be lots of memories, tears, laughs, and mourning. It all combines together.

But there sure are a lot of gifts she left us. The boy has been talking so much lately of how much of her time she gave him. The gift of time is precious. She always let him know he was important to her, and he holds that memory now as he moves forward in life.

We had some huge news in our family today – the boy got accepted into his program of choice for next year! I still can’t believe he’s old enough to graduate, forget start his adult life – but I’m so proud of him and he’s going to do so well!

He was happy dancing all around the kitchen this afternoon when he got his letter. He really needed this win – we all did. It warmed my heart to hear him say that he now can see all the dreams he’s had for his future coming true.