I wrote an exam for my health coaching coure this morning – got 91% thank you very much! – and am so close to being done.
This course has been the epitome of working through it. I started last summer when my life was relatively quiet, but the next year saw my life completely shift and in many ways shatter. It makes me feel like I’m working through the change to be able to finish this course and begin building my new life. It’s time.
We celebrated thanksgiving with good friends of my parents today. These people reflect back to me (and the world) the same kind of love that my parents shone out.
This weekend has been full of contrasting emotions. Final internment for my parents, Banff and supper with my aunt, thanksgiving meal with family friends, and my kids and I have some trauma memories attached to thanksgiving from our old life. Highs and lows.
It’s a good reminder that life goes on and we keep making new memories every moment of our lives. We get to choose what kind of new memories we will make. I watched my kids be happier than I’ve seen them in ages spending time with him. I hadn’t realized how much they needed a man around to do things with, to laugh with, to experience things with. It brings a different kind of balance to our family and I’m grateful for that.
I am so full – in my belly and my soul. The feeling of contentment is a good one.
We took my aunt to Banff for the afternoon and a thanksgiving supper at Melissa’s. I love that town and it was awesome to share it with her.
After an emotional day it was so nice to spend some family time recharging and enjoying each other’s company. Sharing memories from my dad was also much needed.
My kids laughed and relaxed like I haven’t seen them do in ages
Today, on mom’s 78th birthday and the beginning of the thanksgiving weekend, we held an internment ceremony for mom and dad and placed their ashes in the ground at the Cochrane Cemetery.
All week long my heart and my tummy have been aching at the thought of putting the urn in the ground. Even though Dad has been gone for 3.5 years and mom for 8 months and we have already scattered ashes at the ranch, it still felt so final. However, it also felt so right. They are in the “old” part of the cemetery with family, friends, and neighbors – they are right beside my grandparents.
Standing there with our friends and family around us, it felt in the oddest of ways, like the perfect way to celebrate mom’s birthday today. She always loved a party and my uncle hosted a reception after the ceremony that was like a birthday party from heaven in her honour with dad by her side.
I am so grateful for this tribe. We need them, we need to remember we are part of something bigger both here on earth and spiritually.
After some much needed afternoon naps my sister and her crew and my aunt (thank goodness she’s here, it’s so good to have one of dad’s siblings here too) discovered it was the perfect snowman/fort day and pulled my kids into the fun. It was a great ending to an emotional day – to remind us that this place is still home and the place where we will continue to make memories and share love.
I actually feel less sad now than I did 24 hours ago.
We were grocery shopping this afternoon and I had a loud request for cranberry juice. Mom always kept the stuff by the gallon here when she was alive, it was her favourite drink, and so it was also that of my children. The boy (as he was pleading for me to buy some) said that one of his first memories was of sitting in the chair and Nana bringing him a glass of cranberry juice so they could sit and watch Mary Poppins.
The closer we get to this final internment the more I realize how far I have still to go in the grieving process for my mom. I mean, I’m still in the middle of grieving my dad. Yet here we are, and I’m glad they will be buried together as they belong together. I’m also glad we have all of these memories to share of the love they blessed us with.
Because it was so much more than cranberry juice. It was the gift of time and love that she gave the kids (and us). She loved having us all around, she loved sharing time with her grandchildren, she loved how they enjoyed doing things with her.
I’ve been thinking a lot about love, unconditional love, true love, lately. Whatever ups and downs, bumps in the road, or issues we had – I always knew that my parents loved me unconditionally. It’s a rare gift to grow up knowing that you are loved no matter what, and one that I am able to pass onto my kids because I know how to do it, because I was shown it and I was taught it. And the kids have the memories of that in little things like cranberry juice.
We had an unbelievable dumping of snow today – probably a foot and a half – and of course even though I live in Alberta I wasn’t ready for it. No snow tires meant a snow day at home which was awesome. Girls were playing in the snow, the boy and I hung out, the dogs jumped and had a blast, it was beautiful and we were lucky to enjoy it without having to go out.
Then he came over for dinner, braved the roads to join us, and after supper we drank tea and played games. When he left the boy said he hadn’t laughed so hard in over a year, and also pointed out that while I am supposed to be dating a man like my dad, it turns out I am dating a man like my son. I’m ok with that – both my dad and my son are fine examples of what a man should be. I think the boy really feeds off the male energy, and we all seem to balance each other really well. Funny the gifts God sends you when you least expect it, but wow am I filled with gratitude.
Today for the first time in over 6 months I had more than 3 hours where I didn’t have a kid attached to me. They’ve needed me and I don’t regret giving things up to be where I was needed. But it’s been exhausting and it was nice to have a bit of a normal day.
The better thing about this is that both monsters were also settled and content today as well.
It may be baby steps but it is always in the right direction.
I had an emotional moment in church today. I feel like when I’m there, and we are talking about love, and singing songs about hope and faith, it makes all the strength I’ve been faking melt away and I get very vulnerable. I was holding in my tears (badly) when the girl passed me a note she’d written. She wrote of how people come and go but the love is eternal. It was so sympathetic and genuine it made my heart smile.
I’ll be glad in some ways when we have done this final internment, but it also feels so…. final at the same time.
I’ve always learned my best life lessons via my horse. Right now what I seek to be struggling with is trust – trust in myself, trust in others, trust in God (and apparently trust in my horse).
I also need to be trustworthy. Drishti needs to trust me as much as I trust him or we will never work. I need to be dependable, reliable, and predictable with him so he knows he can count on me.
Slowly, and with help, we are rebuilding. I’ve always believed that once trust is broken it’s shattered forever. But maybe, with intentional healing it’s possible that we will end up with an even deeper bond than we had before.
The girl and her dog completed week three of obedience school tonight. It’s amazing how much progress they have made in such a short time. Similar actually to the progress my Drishti has made in the last few weeks with some training.
I’m really understanding how important it is to be reliable, predictable, dependable, and consistent. In a word trustworthy.
If you’re going to be in a partnership with anyone – an animal or a person – you need to be trustworthy. It’s the only way it will work.
Watching their trust bond grow is awesome
