The boy went for his first full out solo drive today. It’s a big deal – I remember that sense of freedom I had the first time I drove by myself and although I don’t feel like he’s old enough – he’s more than old and responsible enough.
Things change so fast, babies grow up in the blink of an eye (such a cliche but so true), but they are such amazing humans I couldn’t be happier with the people they are becoming.
It has been 8 months since Mom died. It feels both like forever and that it’s impossible to believe it’s been that long. Seasons have changed, houses have changed, people have changed, I know for a fact that time has marched on. I watched a video the other day not realizing mom was in it – that familiar voice that I haven’t heard in what feels like so long.
It’s all part of life, this death crap, and we need to embrace the love that we received, but also the love that we have right now. Those memories are strong and I hold them dearly – but this moment in time – right now – it’s important. It’s vital we keep walking through the mourning process so that we fully embrace the beauty of the lives we are living right now, in the present moment. I think both mom and dad would like that very much.
I understand the concept that while what happened to you may not be your fault,you are totally responsible for healing it. Sometimes though it feels like the healing process goes on and on while the person who caused the pain skips through life with no consequences
Today it was necessary to stop and take a few healing breaths. It feels like sometimes it is the only way to catch enough air and rest to continue on with the journey
Thank goodness we are able to stop and rebalance at times.
We finished off the weekend by making apple crisp. The honey crisp apples are out – my favorite of all the apples – and we chopped and cooked and ate and laughed. Sharing making memories. Accepting the change of season.
I have been reminded lately how important it is to do small acts of kindness, how much it means when someone goes out of their way to bring sunshine and light to your life. It doesn’t have to be big, earth changing moments – those are nice – but it’s the small ones that add up. When someone looks at your life and sees small holes, gaps that need to be filled, and they know how to put a little bit of light in those dark spaces – it’s amazing the difference that makes.
And that stuff is contagious. The more light that fills my soul the more light I have to shine in the world – and I believe we are all that way. If we absorb gifts of love we radiate the same light back out into the world.
It’s easy to get trapped in the darkness, but it really doesn’t take much light to make that darkness go away.
Yesterday in a box I found the recipe mom gave me when I got married for her Moroccan Chicken soup. Mom didn’t really care much for cooking, but this was one dish she did really well and enjoyed making for us. Tonight I made it for my kids and they enjoyed it as much as my sister and I used to.
I’m so grateful for these hand down recipes – the smell, the taste, brought me back to happy times in my childhood. It hasn’t been 8 months yet since mom died, but as the season is changing and snow was falling today it seemed like it has been so much longer. I’m grateful for the memories we carry with us.
Tonight for the first time since junior high I was treated to sponge toffee. There was a candy store near my junior high that made the stuff and I enjoyed it in those years but then completely forgot about it.
The stuff tonight was dipped in chocolate which made it that much better.
Life should be sweet like sponge toffee.
The girl and I took Bear for a walk by the rider today. It was the perfect fall day, and Bear ended up being a perfect gentleman (as our country boy we never know how happy he will be on a leash controlled walk).
That dog has quite literally been a godsend for my girl and I love watching them together. 
I’ve discovered that since the kids have gone back to school, I’ve gone back to crying in the car when I’m driving alone. It was pretty much how I spent 2015 after dad died, and I have to say I’m almost glad I’m processing mom’s death the same way finally. So much happened right after she died I had to put my grieving process on hold. Which was fine, but I do need to work through those feelings.
I was driving through town on my way to pick up the girl, still crying but trying desperately to stop. While I’m totally fine with my car crying grieving process, I’m not a huge fan of being the crazed bawling mama at school. As I was waiting for the lights to change I looked at the car across the intersection from me.
This car was a minivan, a little bit older but generally in good shape – except for the front. The entire front of the van was held together by huge strips of duct tape. Some of them looked like they were barely hanging on, others like they totally were keeping the car together.
I started laughing through my tears because omg, duct tape really does fix everything. The image of that car was enough to change my mood and I was smiling by the time I pulled into the school parking lot.
The girl and I spent most of the rest of the day driving around doing errands together. Teen life seems like it’s in constant change, but in this exact second it’s pretty good. It warmed my heart to see her smiling, and to share the deep conversations that we had while we laughed and sobbed together about the weirdness of life.
I am so grateful for this life.
I’ve not been good about doing my happiness moments lately. Part of it is me needing a break, part of it is me just being sad and trying to sort things out, part of it is the fact that there are some people who read my blog whom I would rather not have a window into my soul.
But at the end of the day, tracking my gratitude and finding moments of happiness no matter what life throws at me is so much more important than any of those reasons.
I went to Canmore with a friend this evening and we walked the town, walked the paths, and went for supper. It was so fun to laugh and relax and really enjoy the company of someone I care about.
There is a lot to be grateful for and even though there have been some dark times it’s so important to keep focused on the moment of sunshine.
