We started our Christmas baking today. My tummy is full of butter and sugar, but it was so worth it. I love hearing Christmas music playing and seeing happy kids as we make cookies.
I hope that our smiles can be more frequent than our tears this Christmas.
We had one of those rare days where we didn’t have to people. It seems like we are always needing to go whenever or do something.
And while there’s always plenty to be done, I think it was good for our souls to take this day.
Dad’s birthday is coming up, our first Christmas without mom is coming up. I feel like we are being overpowered by memories – good and sad – and sometimes we need to stop and let them settle.
It was weigh day at our 4H club this morning. I love our club – it’s small but the families are awesome and I’m grateful to be part of it
We finished off the day seeing the Grinch movie. I love the story – love can conquer all. It really is the most important thing in the world. We choose either fear or love every second of every day.
Fear still gets in there a lot, but love is winning. I can feel it.
We took the kids to see the Nutcracker movie tonight. I was a little apprehensive, but I ended up loving the movie.
Something else I love is how he wants to do family things. With his kids, with my kids, all together – it’s awesome. Even better that everyone gets along and it’s super easy.
I have a tendency to make life super hard, so I really appreciate when I’m able to relax into something easy that is good for us.
After months of training and trying and praying and hoping, I sold my horse today.
There’s a delicate balance of holding on and letting go. The best and kindest thing I can do for this beast I love so dearly is let him go to someone who is a batter fit for him. It’s really sad since he was to be my heart horse – I had planned on him being in my life for the next 20 years.
The reality is I am a different person now than I was a year and a half ago. What I want is different, and what I am willing to accept and tolerate in my life is different. It’s led me to change several important relationships and this is just one of them.
This last year has been filled with loss and this adds to the grief. But there’s something different forming inside me as well. I’m getting more clear on who I am and what I want.
My heart horse will be going to someone who really likes him and is really good with him. It’s better for him, and it will end up being better for me too. We have the next month together before he begins his new adventure.
I had a meltdown with a friend today about how I never seem to get the messages God sends me. I ask and ask and I know an answer is being provided, but I miss it or misinterpret it, or possibly ignore it completely. I was wishing the messages could be delivered directly and without confusion.
I had a riding lesson this evening, I was to ride a school horse so that I can work on my own riding and get my confidence back, and not worry about what the horse is doing. Since it was my first school horse lesson I got there a bit early because I had no idea what to do, where to go, or what horse I would be riding.
I was sitting in the aisle texting the same friend my lesson is late, am I here on the right day? What if she forgot me? What if someone else has a lesson instead, should I just go home? How long do I wait?
Then a lady came out of the arena and walked up to me and said Are you Melissa? and I said yes. She told me I was wanted in the arena.
So, the instructor and the horse were waiting in the arena for me. Literally all I had to do was open the door and what I was looking for was right there.
How many times has this happened in my life? I said to my friend -that’s my life in a nutshell right now. What I want is right there, I just miss the message and forget to open the damn door.
The lesson was awesome by the way. I left feeling so much happier in my soul.
We went to our happy place this afternoon – we have decided to get back into the ritual of the Italian Centre on Friday.
I commented as we looked around the place, at how happy customers look when they are there. There’s just a happy feeling being around good food and smiling faces.
We have had the flu in our house the last couple of days, and while I’m glad we had the ability to shut down and get better, it has had an unexpected side effect. Stopping and being sick has given me the time to feel the tsunami of grief I have been holding at bay. I feel like there is a lot of mourning I need to do or haven’t done, but specifically now it’s for my mom. Things have been so busy and stressful since she died I feel like I can barely catch my breath sometimes. Then other times I feel like I should be further along in my grief process – like there is any set timeline for grief!
I have talked several times with a good friend of mine who lost her mom a few months before my dad died. She still gets emotional and says that she is having such a hard time processing the fact that her mom is gone. I guess sometimes the grief just hits hard and sticks around for a while. We are entering the time of the year when mom got so incredibly sick and things were so very stressful and scary. All these memories keep coming back and sometimes it’s just a lot to process – I look for distractions where I can but that’s not always a healthy thing to do either.
However, I look around as we are here – safely in our home. I have two of the most amazing rays of sunshine who live with me, and I know that life does indeed go on. They miss her, I miss her, but we have beautiful memories to share, and many new ones to make.
And having these feelings come up so strongly has made me realize that I need to honour them, I need to set aside time to remember my mom and the gifts she gave me. She was such an amazingly strong person and she taught me so much about myself.
We are enjoying a very lovely second summer. After the massive amount of snow we got the first part of October, most of us are welcoming this weather with open hearts.
The view today was stunning. I love these mountains so much. They bring me balance and help feed my soul.
After 6 weeks of hard work and dedication, the girl and her dog graduated from obedience school. This dog has been the best thing my girl could have in her life these last few months.
