Tag Archives: photography

happiness

Learn to fly 

For the past week or so I’ve been waking up with nightmares. I often am a restless sleeper, but these nightmares were something completely new. I’m sure it’s because we are closing in on the anniversary of Dad’s death. I’m realizing how many emotions are still sitting there waiting to be processed and acknowledged. Last night I finally made it through the night without any bad dreams and I hope that means I’m heading for sweeter dreams. I know Dad wouldn’t want me being upset like this, and I also firmly believe he’s wrapped in the arms of God. And yet those dreams…

I came across one of his photos which made my heart fill with memories of him. He loved it when the swans would migrate through. 


The way I feel now it’s hard for me to believe where I was when I started this journey towards a happier life a few years ago. I was left so broken I didn’t think I’d ever be able to repair myself. Yet with years of work and prayer and love, here I am feeling almost whole. I give thanks for that every day. 

Today I had a wonderful happiness moment. I met a friend and we spent the afternoon walking along the river. It really was chicken soup for my soul – exactly what I needed. 

Standard
happiness

The Coke shirts 

Last year as we began palliative care with Dad, I went to the store and bought matching Coke shirts for him and Jacob. They were always such a tight team those two, and were delighted to have the same outfit (with matching PJ bottoms). 

I was folding laundry this afternoon and pulled one of the Coke shirts out of the basket to fold.  I haven’t seen it in almost a year – I assume it was too painful for Jacob to wear. I was so happy to see it out now. We all seem to be walking into this week with smiles and sorrow. 

Some of the smiles come from remembering my aunts and uncles (his sisters and brothers in law), who along with one of my cousins made the trek out here to see him in his last days. 

Sad as it was, we had so much fun with them. Jacob was so delighted to find out the family gift  is really a thing and that it is something to be laughed about. He still talks about that discovery regularly. He takes pride in developing his abilities. 

The love that was sent to my dad (and us) from family near and far was amazing. It reconnected me with cousins, we shared stories and enjoyed that deep connection that blood brings no matter where you are. 

In a bittersweet happiness moment I sat with that Coke shirt and remembered how much my Dad loved Jacob. 

This is another one of Dad’s photos. Taken along a road that he and Mom used to walk often. 

Standard
happiness

The heart of a father 

The closer we get to the first anniversary of dad’s passing the more I feel all these emotions coming up. I think there was a lot about the last couple of weeks of his life that I wasn’t able to process. There was so much going on, we were so in the moment and also fearing the moment at the same time. I still can’t believe it’s been almost a year. 

For the first time since he died, today I sat at the computer and went through some of his “best of” photos. Dad was an amazing photographer and looking at the memories he left for us made me cry and feel joy at the same time. It wasn’t long before one by one, everyone in the house joined me in an impromptu memorial. We talked about dad, shared memories, shared feelings, laughed at old stories, discussed what a talented photographer he was, and honoured his presence in our lives. 

I’m so grateful we have each other to work through this with. There were many tears today, and I’m sure there will be many more over the next couple of weeks. But I am so grateful he was my dad and that he was such a good dad. 

This is one of his photos of a place where he loved to walk. We went up and down this path countless times together. Some of his ashes are now scattered here so he can always be close to one of his beloved spots. 


Two happiness moments today. The big, spiritual one was quiet time shared with my mom and sister as we talked about dad. 

The other one was a crazy, messed up game of Twister after supper. 

I am so thankful for my tribe. 

Standard
happiness

Swan memories of Dad

I spent last night and most of today down for the count with a stomach virus. Not a lot of fun, but I’m grateful that I was able to rearrange life so I could take some time and get rid of it. This morning Jenna (who has the week off of school) came into my room, hopped under the covers of my bed, and snuggled up with me.

We talked about how when the kids were little and one of them was feeling sick they would pile in bed with me and we would cuddle until things were better again. There is nothing like a good snuggle with someone you love to make the rainbows come and brighten things up.

While we were lying there, my cousin texted me that the swans were back on the lake by their cabin. When I see swans I think of spring and of my Dad. He was always so excited to see them come – because it meant the end of winter and because it meant he could take some great photos. It’s hard to believe we are looking at another spring coming, which will mean he will have been gone for a year soon. What a year this has been!

I thought the girl snuggles were going to be my happiness moment, but the text about swans left me with Dad on my mind all day today. Jenna and I were driving into town so she could have a sleepover at her Grandma’s and she started talking about my Dad and some of her memories of him. It was a beautiful moment to share as she laughed about how he would flip her on her raft at the creek, and how he took her out for wildflower walks (my dad knew the names of all the flowers and very patiently spent years teaching us about them. Later on he began taking breathtaking photos of the flowers). Naturally I started to cry, but it was so wonderful to share those loving memories with my girl. I’m so glad she has these to hold in her heart. Dad loved his grandkids (and his whole family) so much, he worked really hard to make a lasting impression on us all – and succeeded.

These photos of the swans near our place are ones Dad took  3 and 4 years ago. He loved being out there with his camera!

  
The happiness moment today was sharing fond memories of my Dad. I miss him so much there is an ache in my heart, but I am so thankful for his presence in my life. Soon the swans will be here too and I will be out with the kids and my Mom watching them and thinking about our memories of my Dad.

And just in case I forgot how much I love being back home, God put on an amazing show this morning:

The view from our front yard this morning. 


Standard
Uncategorized

Cameras, Swans, and Dad

My sister and I spent part of the weekend dividing up Dad’s cameras. It’s something I know he would want us to do, but a very difficult thing nonetheless. Dad loved taking pictures, and he loved sharing them with his loved ones. We know that he would want us to keep on taking pictures and capturing family memories.

I was fiddling with my camera this afternoon and noticed that there were still photos Dad had taken left on the memory card. It seems he took them this time of the year (or maybe it was early spring) because the swans were on the slough just like they are now.

He has some amazing swan photos, the ones on my camera aren’t some of his best work. But, it was both my happiness moment, and a  sadness moment to open them up and take a look.

I have lots of memories in my head that I will take with me forever of Dad and of our family unit. However, having these tangible memories he made for us helps my heart heal a little bit more. It reminds me to get out and look at the swans, to go out walking, to admire the mountains and the barn, to jump into life every chance I get.

I’m noticing the farther I’m getting into my days of happiness the more that happiness is truly becoming part of my life. I still look for my moment each day, but I’m getting happier and happier all the time. Happiness in the core of my being is becoming more a way of life and I’m so grateful for that.

a couple of Dad’s photos

DSC_2617 DSC_2594

Standard