Tag Archives: single mom

happiness

The internment

Today, on mom’s 78th birthday and the beginning of the thanksgiving weekend, we held an internment ceremony for mom and dad and placed their ashes in the ground at the Cochrane Cemetery.

All week long my heart and my tummy have been aching at the thought of putting the urn in the ground. Even though Dad has been gone for 3.5 years and mom for 8 months and we have already scattered ashes at the ranch, it still felt so final. However, it also felt so right. They are in the “old” part of the cemetery with family, friends, and neighbors – they are right beside my grandparents.

Standing there with our friends and family around us, it felt in the oddest of ways, like the perfect way to celebrate mom’s birthday today. She always loved a party and my uncle hosted a reception after the ceremony that was like a birthday party from heaven in her honour with dad by her side.

I am so grateful for this tribe. We need them, we need to remember we are part of something bigger both here on earth and spiritually.

After some much needed afternoon naps my sister and her crew and my aunt (thank goodness she’s here, it’s so good to have one of dad’s siblings here too) discovered it was the perfect snowman/fort day and pulled my kids into the fun. It was a great ending to an emotional day – to remind us that this place is still home and the place where we will continue to make memories and share love.

I actually feel less sad now than I did 24 hours ago.

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happiness

Not the how’s or the why’s

I had the most amazing acupuncture session today. Transformational is an understatement.

We talked a bit about my losses and my inability to understand it. I came to see how it’s so much less figuring out the how’s and the whys (which my brain really wants) and more allowing myself to surrender.

I don’t know how to surrender gracefully, but it’s something I’m learning. I understand myself on such a deeper level after that process today.

Then we picked up my aunt from the airport as she’s here for the weekend. I don’t get to spend enough time with dad’s side of the family and I’m really excited to get this opportunity, even if there’s some sad emotions we all are facing.

Sadness and joy together – always.

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happiness

The 9 pm curfew

Last night I shared with the kids the tweets about what life would be like for women if men had a 9pm curfew. Some of the responses were even a surprise for me – not that women would feel safer, could walk around at night, or walk in general without needing to always let someone know where they were etc. – those kinds of things have become such a normal part of my life that I don’t think much of it (sad as that is). What surprised me was that the men who were responding had no idea that this is how so many women feel.

How did they not know this? We are their mothers, sisters, daughters, wives, friends… I just assumed everyone knew this is how we felt.

The boy listened to it, didn’t seem that interested, I didn’t want to lecture – just have him hear it- and I thought that was the end of it.

He said today he talked with a group of his friends about what it would be like for women if men had a 9pm curfew. He said he was surprised at how many of his (male) friends immediately said how much safer the women would likely feel. It amazed him that these high school guys were as tuned into the feelings of women as they were – impressed me as well.

I don’t know that a 9pm curfew would change what needs to be changed – for us  the male who was the scariest of all lived with us so having him off the street wouldn’t really have helped us – but I love that we are talking about these things. I know my boy – he’s got a good heart and he’s sensitive and kind to women, men, animals, all of God’s creatures – but I think it’s so good that he’s listening and learning. This will hopefully be an entirely new generation of men and women who start learning to value and honour each other in more loving ways.

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happiness

Cranberry juice

We were grocery shopping this afternoon and I had a loud request for cranberry juice. Mom always kept the stuff by the gallon here when she was alive, it was her favourite drink, and so it was also that of my children. The boy (as he was pleading for me to buy some) said that one of his first memories was of sitting in the chair and Nana bringing him a glass of cranberry juice so they could sit and watch Mary Poppins.

The closer we get to this final internment the more I realize how far I have still to go in the grieving process for my mom. I mean, I’m still in the middle of grieving my dad. Yet here we are, and I’m glad they will be buried together as they belong together. I’m also glad we have all of these memories to share of the love they blessed us with.

Because it was so much more than cranberry juice. It was the gift of time and love that she gave the kids (and us). She loved having us all around, she loved sharing time with her grandchildren, she loved how they enjoyed doing things with her.

I’ve been thinking a lot about love, unconditional love, true love, lately. Whatever ups and downs, bumps in the road, or issues we had – I always knew that my parents loved me unconditionally. It’s a rare gift to grow up knowing that you are loved no matter what, and one that I am able to pass onto my kids because I know how to do it, because I was shown it and I was taught it. And the kids have the memories of that in little things like cranberry juice.

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happiness

Crazy snow, crazy games

We had an unbelievable dumping of snow today – probably a foot and a half – and of course even though I live in Alberta I wasn’t ready for it. No snow tires meant a snow day at home which was awesome. Girls were playing in the snow, the boy and I hung out, the dogs jumped and had a blast, it was beautiful and we were lucky to enjoy it without having to go out.

Then he came over for dinner, braved the roads to join us, and after supper we drank tea and played games. When he left the boy said he hadn’t laughed so hard in over a year, and also pointed out that while I am supposed to be dating a man like my dad, it turns out I am dating a man like my son. I’m ok with that – both my dad and my son are fine examples of what a man should be. I think the boy really feeds off the male energy, and we all seem to balance each other really well. Funny the gifts God sends you when you least expect it, but wow am I filled with gratitude.

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happiness

For a few hours

Today for the first time in over 6 months I had more than 3 hours where I didn’t have a kid attached to me. They’ve needed me and I don’t regret giving things up to be where I was needed. But it’s been exhausting and it was nice to have a bit of a normal day.

The better thing about this is that both monsters were also settled and content today as well.

It may be baby steps but it is always in the right direction.

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happiness

loving notes

I had an emotional moment in church today. I feel like when I’m there, and we are talking about love, and singing songs about hope and faith, it makes all the strength I’ve been faking melt away and I get very vulnerable. I was holding in my tears (badly) when the girl passed me a note she’d written. She wrote of how people come and go but the love is eternal. It was so sympathetic and genuine it made my heart smile.

I’ll be glad in some ways when we have done this final internment, but it also feels so…. final at the same time.

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happiness

Chocolate and girl’s night

My girl spent the afternoon at the mall with a friend. When I picked her up she handed me a bag of Purdy’s and said she knew I was having a rough week and thought my favourite chocolate would cheer me up. She’s so thoughtful.

I finished off the day by having a much needed girl’s night out. I haven’t been making time for friends the way I need to, and sitting and laughing with a group of women was exactly what I needed.

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happiness

Bonds of trust

I’ve always learned my best life lessons via my horse. Right now what I seek to be struggling with is trust – trust in myself, trust in others, trust in God (and apparently trust in my horse).

I also need to be trustworthy. Drishti needs to trust me as much as I trust him or we will never work. I need to be dependable, reliable, and predictable with him so he knows he can count on me.

Slowly, and with help, we are rebuilding. I’ve always believed that once trust is broken it’s shattered forever. But maybe, with intentional healing it’s possible that we will end up with an even deeper bond than we had before.

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happiness

Good boy

The girl and her dog completed week three of obedience school tonight. It’s amazing how much progress they have made in such a short time. Similar actually to the progress my Drishti has made in the last few weeks with some training.

I’m really understanding how important it is to be reliable, predictable, dependable, and consistent. In a word trustworthy.

If you’re going to be in a partnership with anyone – an animal or a person – you need to be trustworthy. It’s the only way it will work.

Watching their trust bond grow is awesome

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