I’ve been thinking about things in my past that I’ve wasted too much energy on. I’m great for wanting to know why or how or what is the lesson.
I think instead what I need to do is just close the doors, box that stuff up, and send it away.
Tag Archives: single mom
Love is the best way
The boy forced me out of bed this morning and made be go to church because, as he put it, I needed some Godding in my life. I really didn’t want to go, but I sucked it up to make him happy (seriously, what teenager forces their parent to go to church?)
I’m glad I went, even though I sat in the back row and cried the whole time. I thought 2015 was the year I cried in public – turns out it was merely the year I learned how to cry in public. The topic of the sermon was love is the best way and I needed that reminder. When fear is so tempting a road to take, love is still and always will be the best way. I need to remember that when I’m tired, lonely, scared, angry – love is still the best way.
We watched the Super Bowl tonight. Even though the Patriots lost and the boy is crying it was still a fun game. He loves that team and it brings back for all of us the good memories of living in New England, and there were quite a few of them. We had some good times and good friends there. Sitting between my monsters as they yelled at the TV was a moment of great happiness for me.
Sleeps and stretches
The weather here was pretty gross and the roads were horrendous, so I canceled my errands and had a home day. It was awesome and pretty soon I’ll get out of my pjs to get into new pjs for bed – I consider that a win.
I’ve been so tired lately and I haven’t been able to sleep properly in months. For some reason a couple of nights ago I started to sleep and now my body doesn’t want to stop. Last night I slept more than 12 hours.
I got out my franklin balls this afternoon and did some much needed stress management. In fact, I have decided my February goal is to meditate and morning page every day and that’s huge for helping with my stress.
For the first time in ages I feel at peace with my life. It is well with my soul.
Hidden Easter Egg
After Dad died it seemed like we couldn’t get the “sick” out of the house fast enough. Even so, it took a long time to forget how Dad was “sick” and begin to remember how life was before that. The situation with Mom is a little different though, and it almost feels like a reverse in emotions.
We had to take her wheelchairs and lifts back to the mobility store today. Some of the items she’s had well over 20 years, and the new wheelchair she got after Dad died made her life so much easier. But this time it was really hard to pack these things up and take them out of the house. It’s one more step out of the little bubble of denial I’ve put myself into. I had the thought as we were loading things into the car how will mom get around the house when she gets back if her chair isn’t here? Then… oh, yeah. Crap.
Fortunately Heather came with me. Thank God for Heather, what would we have done without her the last couple of years. She was essential for mom, but she became a good friend and family member to all of us. There’s something about having been through something so raw like caring for Mom and then having her pass away that really makes you realize there’s no point in having up any boundaries – so we have had some pretty deep life conversations.
And then when we were dropping off the chairs and the emotion felt like it was so thick we couldn’t breathe, the man lifted up Mom’s seat and a chocolate Easter egg fell out. I swear, that woman hid chocolate everywhere. I am finding little stashes all over the house – which makes sense since I also have little chocolate stashes in my house (and car, and purse, and backpack).
Even in the moments where all I want to do is cry, there are little sparks of joy and happiness. I guess that’s life.
I ran away later for a few minutes of horse aromatherapy. I hadn’t seen my boy in a couple of weeks, I was pretty sure he thought I’d sold him and he was allowed to just sit in a field and eat hay now. But he came walking up to me as soon as I got to his field. Just standing with him for even a few minutes helped balance me and open my heart up a little bit more.
That face ❤️
Family time
Today was the first day in weeks that the kids and I have had to ourselves. We’ve needed the support and the people surrounding us with love, but today we needed to be just us.
We talked out some feelings, shared memories, laughed, cried, and cleaned the house (holy what a mess it became).
As an introvert it’s really important for me to have quiet time to recharge and I feel like I had some of that today. I’ve let myself get out of balance, I need to take better care of that.
Coffee chats
I ventured out into the real world this afternoon and had coffee with a friend in town. I think I needs to spend a bit of time around people who are living a more normal life. It was so good to just sit and laugh over silly things.
Thank God for my girlfriends- happiness.
An escape day
The girl and I took a break from reality and ran away to Banff for the afternoon. We needed a little time to just be and not be grieving. Although it follows us like a dark cloud, the mountains were a silver lining. Mom would have approved.
Cheese and chocolate make for a happy belly.
She’s a really good person
I drove home one of the girl’s friends this afternoon after their sleepover. My daughter has worked hard to very purposefully pick out kind, thoughtful, fun friends. As this girl got out of my car she said thank you for having me over. I really like spending time with Jenna -she’s a really good person.
In these teen years that are so filled with uncertainty, drama, and angst for girls I thought how wonderful it is that she’s also got such good friends who not only see but bring out the best in each other. That is a gift that will last her a lifetime. That is happiness.
And I completely agree. She is a really good person.
My gratitude:
the special souls who provide me with a safe place to land
My Drishti
My sister and the strength we draw from each other.
It’s a girl party
The girl is having her sleepover party to celebrate becoming 13. She has purposefully and carefully selected her friends – she’s slowly building her tribe. I love having a house full of kids. It makes me happy that they want to be here and on glad we can all celebrate this awesome girl. Happiness.
Gratitude :
Quiet time with the boy
Giggling girls
Free baklava
And now she’s a teen
My baby girl turned 13 today. I have no idea how she went from the little girl wearing a tutu and playing in the mud to this smart, beautiful young lady- but here we are.
I am so incredibly proud of her and consider her to be one of my greatest blessings.
Her day began as the boy and I sang happy birthday loudly and badly to her. It ended at our 4H meeting with the club having a pizza and cake celebration for her (singing was better this time).
And now she’s in a different phase of life. I know she’ll navigate this with love, grace, and determination – the same way she has approached everything so far in life.
The years I’ve spent being her mom have been some of the happiest of my life.
It has been suggested by my awesome friend and mentor Asrael that I choose three things every day for the next month to be grateful for. So today for day 1 they are:
1. I am grateful for Jenna
2. I am grateful for this safe and loving house in which we live
3. I am grateful for my tribe.
