Author Archives: Melissa

happiness

Baby it’s cold outside

One of the best things about living outside of the school district is the fact that I get to drive the kids in to school every morning. I wasn’t sure how these mornings were going to work, or how tired I was going to get of driving into town twice (at least) a day. On top of that, this year the kids are at different schools and their start and end times are an hour apart.

What I thought was going to be a horrible spin our wheels time twice a day, has ended up being precious solo time that I get with both kids every single day. Jenna’s young enough, and she still thinks I’m cool enough that I get to hear a lot about her life anyway. But if I didn’t have this solo time with my too cool 14 year old boy I would seriously have no idea at all what was going on in his life. Plus, on days like today it’s a real reminder of how darn funny he is when he’s not all stressed out, or tired, or thinking about girls.

We were listening to Baby it’s cold outside on the way into town today and Jacob came up with this gem:

You know this song is basically about a man being all pervy with some woman right? I mean listen to him – he keeps saying he wants to stay, she keeps saying he really should go. And what’s up with him saying it’s so cold out? He should have a jacket. I mean… surely he knew it was cold outside before he came over. He has no excuse…..

 

Then a few minutes later as we were listening to Frosty

And Frosty is just as bad. What is he doing taking all those kids out into some field? Where are the parents? What is wrong with them – why aren’t they looking after their kids??

 

Then he looks up at the Baptist church (with it’s huge 3 story windows) and says

Holy crap! Look at how big the tree is at the church!! That’s amazing! How do you think they got it in there?? It’s beautiful!

Then he looks at me and asks why I’m laughing so hard. I respond with

Yes, and look, they have light posts in there, and clouds…. dude – it’s the reflection from outside.

Fortunately he is good with laughing at  himself and we shared a good belly chuckle all the way to his school.

If they got on the bus every day, I would miss these golden moments. These are the moments that are making memories for the rest of my life. My happiness moment.

 

 

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happiness

The slow road 

Sometimes I get frustrated by how long it is taking me to get my mojo back. I know part of it is impatience, part of it is the fact that that it has seriously been a long, slow road.  Like, I’ve been on this road for a few years now. I just want to be stronger and have my zing back already. I miss that version of me. 

I guess what it also shows is how completely broken I was before I started reaching for better things. When I remember that, and think about where I was, then all I am is proud and excited at how far I’ve come in my journey to make a better life. The best thing is it’s made a better life for those around me too. 

The kids are reaching for the stars while learning what it means to feel firmly grounded and supported. 

Both of my kids are fascinated by these happiness moments I’ve been watching for in the last few months. Often we will be driving to town, or sitting at the dinner table and one of them will start asking what our happiness moment was today. An awesome byproduct of me looking for mine is that they look for theirs now too. 

Tonight I was sitting on the couch contemplating life and Jenna sat down beside me. She asked me what my happiness moment was, and I wasn’t sure yet. Then she cuddled up beside me and we just sat there. Voilà! Instant happiness moment. 

The good thing about being on this long and slow road is that I’m able to take the time to soak in these little happiness moments. The little ones that all add up and make life. 

We took the long slow road home today in the snow and came across one of our four legged friends trying to hide on us. 

  
Being able to slow down and breathe in nature is my antidepressant and anti- anxiety. 

  
So, I will breathe deeply and dig down and keep on this long and slow road. At least I’m headed in the right direction. I’m headed home. 

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happiness

Gratitude for the doctors, hidden happiness

My poor Jennabean is still sick. She just keeps coughing and coughing and nothing I do seems to make it any better. We have been everywhere and seen everyone and the consensus seems to be the same yes, she’s sick, that cough is terrible, aside from that she’s healthy and there’s nothing to worry about. We have tried every medication we can think of and nothing is working, there’s nothing we can do besides wait it out.

Which leaves me feeling helpless and frustrated, and poor Jenna sore, tired, and sick. But, she’s such a good patient. All she can do is lie around and cough and cough. But, she stays so positive and doesn’t complain (at least not like I would).

My happiness moment today comes hidden inside my gratitude for the doctors at the Alberta Children’s Hospital. First of all, I’m so grateful that we are back in Alberta and I don’t have to shell out hundreds of dollars to take her to the doctor. We were able to see the regular doctor and a couple of specialists today while we were at the ACH and it was all covered by Alberta Health. That is a huge thing for me to be grateful for.

I’m grateful for the doctors and nurses who looked after her today. There were a few who really went the extra mile to try and make her as comfortable and happy as possible. It makes me happy to have such loving caregivers in our hospital.

I’m also grateful that even though she’s really uncomfortable and feeling crappy, that she’s not sick – like ill. She will somehow get rid of this cough and then she will go back to being my happy little Monkey. They were very thorough in making sure that there was nothing else more serious wrong with her. We just have to figure out how to kick this cough’s butt.

Any prayers, positive light, good vibes, or happy thoughts for my little bean are appreciated. She’s got a lot of love around her and I have faith that soon she will be back to her regular self.

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happiness

Eat, Pray, Love, Big Magic

Elizabeth Gilbert’s book Eat, Pray, Love was gifted to me by a friend in Montreal when we were in the process of moving to Rhode Island. It was a time of huge transition for me and I devoured the book, for the first time really understanding that one could seek out their own path to happiness.

I was still in the mindset that my happiness would come from the outside, the concept that it was an inside job was one that would take me years to fully grasp. I mean, honestly, even now I sometimes wish for a magic pill that would instantly make me happy, thin, and rich. I had two small children at the time and I was so insanely jealous of this woman who could quit her life and travel the world to find her happiness. I mean, I loved the book, I learned a lot from it, but I wanted her happiness journey, and I knew there was no way that was possible for me in that moment and time.

I’ve pulled the book out a few times over the years and reread it. It’s still one of my favourite books, and I love reading about how she made her life a happier one.  My understanding of my own path to happiness has changed as I’ve grown and I get now that no matter what, my happiness journey would be different than hers because I’m my own unique individual (as is she). But, the very idea that we can take a time out and find ourselves has stayed with me as time has passed.

On this amazing path that I am on now I am so blessed because things continue to come to me at the exact time that I need them. Like magic or something. I understand how I’m attracting better and better things into my life, but I’m also learning to have faith that even when I can’t see those things that they are there for me. Faith in that which I can see is easy, faith in the invisible has been much more of a learning process.

I wrote yesterday about feeling like I’m on the edge of this cliff ready to jump off into a new spiritual quest. Elizabeth Gilbert’s new book Big Magic reached the edge of my consciousness yesterday (and then into my Kindle),  and is answering questions about issues that I’ve been using as excuses to take the leap. It’s like she knew what I’ve been sitting here fretting about and wrote a book just for me.

Fear has often been a key decision maker in my life. I have either done or not done countless things because I’ve been driven by fear. In the time that I’ve dedicated my life understanding my anxiety and letting go of those panic feelings, I’ve still struggled about what to do about my deepest darkest fears. I want to stand on this cliff, drop all my fears and leap fearless into the exciting, unknown, future. But… the fear… it holds me back…

She offered a completely new perspective on how to handle this fear. In fact she says: Creativity is a path for the brave, yes, but it is not a path for the fearless, and it’s important to recognize the distinction. Bravery means doing something scary. Fearlessness means not even understanding what the word scary means.

I hadn’t thought about the difference between being brave and being fearless. I have discovered in the past couple of years that I am, in fact, quite brave…. and also that I am not fearless. So… hmmm… maybe that’s a good thing?

She goes on to talk about how when she begins a new creative endeavour, she takes fear along for the ride; accepting that it is part and parcel of a new beginning:

So, I don’t try to kill off my fear. I don’t go to war against it. Instead I make all that space for it. Heaps of space. Every single day. …. It seems to me that the less I fight my fear, the less it fights back. If I can relax, fear relaxes too. In fact, I cordially invite fear to come along with me everywhere I go.

I was reading my book feeling completely dumbstruck. So…. I could technically take this leap of faith while taking fear along with me then? It isn’t a personal failure that I’m still scared of stuff (failing being one of them)? I just have to make room for my fear, but not let it be in the driver’s seat making life decisions for me?

I decided a while ago that I was done making fear based decisions. But then it was almost like I was too afraid to make a decision just in case I was making one out of fear… (vicious cycle – I over think things too much). I think maybe I could convince fear to just sit in the back seat and come along for the ride, but maybe he could be a bit quieter? And he absolutely needs to let me be in charge of the map.

My happiness moment today was having the time to sit and read some of this book. To absorb in what she was saying that was speaking to exactly where I am in life. I am *so* close to leaping off. In fact I think I may have already let go with one foot and the other one is just about to fly…

 

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Safety, grounding, flying free

I have been thinking lately of the irony of the feelings of safety, security, and grounding that I get from living in this old house that has looked over so many generations of my family. Getting grounded and centred back into my self has been a huge part of my healing journey. But the fact remains that while I find comfort here, this home only exists because of the adventurous will of my ancestors. Had they not had the strength to leap out of their comfort zones and abandon all the safety and security in their lives for an unknown, pioneer life in the West; I would not have this house to sit in.

I’ve been feeling lately like I’m sitting on the edge of a huge cliff. I’ve been climbing and climbing for a couple of years now getting to the place where I do feel some grounding and safety. Now that I’m (kind of) there it’s like I’m being asked to free fall off into the unknown. I don’t like heights and I don’t like falling. Yet that is what I’m being called to do.

Unlike my ancestors, my adventure quest isn’t asking me to pack up and head out on a physical adventure. In fact, that is what the last 10 years of my life have been about. Those years almost lead to the complete destruction of my soul, but also to the building up of myself into a stronger, more humble, better version of myself.

The quest that I’m being called to take now is an adventure of my inner soul. It’s scary and I have a thousand reasons why I’m not prepared for it, but still…. I’m being called. I can feel the past couple of weeks that I’ve been edging closer and closer to my free fall off into this journey of faith.

Today’s happiness moment was a visit with my cousin and her husband. They live just far enough away that we don’t see each other as often as I would like. And often when I see them it’s at a larger family function so visiting isn’t as intimate. Getting to visit in a quiet and relaxed manner was such a treat. She’s just enough older than I am that she’s always been one of the cool cousins who I looked up to, and she was kind enough to put up with me when I was an annoying younger kid following her around. Lord, I made her sing the found a peanut song a million times one summer…

 

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happiness

Canadian stereotype 

We had a perfectly stereotypical Canadian day today, one that involved all the good things that come to mind when people think of Canadians.

It started this morning at Tim Hortons (as any good Canadian morning does) with a really nice gentleman holding the door for us. Actually, as Jacob and I were walking to the store, a SUV pulled up in front of us and as it slowed to a rolling stop a man jumped out of the vehicle, did a hop and a skip and a slip on the ice; and headed for Timmy’s. He reached the door and there was a lady behind him, and then Jacob and I behind her. He stood and held the door open for all of us, then Jacob held the second door open for him (proud mama moment, how great of him to return the kindness),  and then he insisted that we all go ahead of him.

As we were standing in line I joked with him about his fast exit from the car. He laughed and said that he probably shouldn’t do those while it was so icy out, but that life needed some adventure. He went on to say how much he loved winter, loved being outside, and had spent 22 hours since Wednesday shovelling snow.

I shuddered and said I wasn’t acclimated yet to the winter and wasn’t sure I was going to be. He said there were two important things that got him through the cold weather. He lifted up his leg, turned his jeans inside out and said fleece lined jeans, they’re the best invention. Then he went on to add although the very best way to keep warm outside is to get up, keep on your flannel pyjamas, and then just put your clothes on over top of them.

It was so nice to start the morning off talking to someone who was so happy. I love too how all of our happiness is different, how we each need to find it in our own way. Those things that made him so happy aren’t what would particularly get me all excited, but it certainly was his thing.

Tonight Jenna and I downloaded Jann Arden’s new Christmas album A Jann Arden Christmas. Her voice, it is so beautiful… it makes my soul happy.  I  saw her live when we lived in Montreal and it was probably the best concert I’ve ever been to. In this time where grounding and stability are playing such a huge role in our lives, it’s a huge bonus that she’s a local artist. Nice to have such great talent close by, a good reminder that we produce great things here.

To keep it fully Canadian, we also listened to a little of Anne Murray’s Christmas album. Her songs take me back to childhood and that is important this year especially. Dad was a big Anne Murray fan and I have lots of memories of us listening to her music together. I miss him, but he sure managed to leave us a lot of great things to remember him by. Anne Murray may be one of the bigger Canadian stereotypes, and that’s a good thing. There’s a lot of comfort in that which is familiar. Her music reminds me of childhood, laughter and fun.

My happiness moment today was the knowledge in my soul that we are here, we are home, we are safe. The good Canadian stereotypes are something I am proud of – the politeness, the thoughtfulness, that will take you a long way. Life is good.

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Wrestling around 

Today’s happiness moment was watching Jacob at his school wrestling match. Again (Like Jenna’s baton), not necessairly a sport I would have chosen, and that is what makes it so fascinating. I love that they feel free to follow their hearts and explore their own sports.

He was so excited and nervous for this match, the first one since wrestling last year in Virginia. He’s grown about 10 inches since then and gained a lot of skill, so this time around it was a completely different experience. He had two really challenging matches and held his own for a long time in the first one, and then managed to win the second one.

It wasn’t really about the winning though (but that did give him a nice confidence boost), I was really impressed with the sporting environment. All the parents were cheering for their own kids of course, but they were also so supportive of all the other kids competing as well. It was a really warm and friendly e contained inside a competitive one. I was really pleased for him that he’s found something he enjoys so much that has such a positive influence.

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happiness

All you need is love

Love comes in unexpected ways. I think that’s the beauty of it, sometimes it just pops up and finds you when you didn’t even know you were looking for it. Other times it’s a steady stream of emotion that has always been there.

We had love fall into our lives unexpectedly over the summer in the form of brother and sister cats Aladdin and Abu. They came to the Pet Valu in Cochrane to be adopted around the end of May, the same time Dad passed away. We were lost and sad, they were lost and sad… but we already had a dog and a cat who each would have been quite content being the only pets in the family.

Jenna pestered me all summer long to get these cats. I kept coming up with excuses, even though we would have to go visit them almost every other day. Finally towards the end of the summer I told her that if she didn’t fall in love with a cat at the SPCA camp she was going to that I would consider it. She didn’t fall in love at camp. If anything she fell in love harder with her black and white kitties and we had to go visit them every single day after camp.

One day at the end of August, Ella marched into the kitchen and dropped a mouse at my feet. We live in a very old house filled with good sized mouse holes and I decided that was that. Finally we had an excuse, we would apply for the cats. We were approved and before I knew it they were in the house. Ella was furious, any proof that was needed that cats are just mini lions she displayed for us over then next couple of days. Dottie just rolled her eyes and pretended it wasn’t happening.

These cats are so full of love. Abu is the cat Jenna has waited her whole life for. She carries Abu around all over the place and hugs and cuddles her all the time. Abu just sits there cuddled up into Jenna’s lap with a look of contentment.

Aladdin is more social and hangs out with me a lot, but also spends a great deal of time running and playing with Ella. Ella didn’t know how much she needed someone to love until love found her.

These two had to be adopted together because of their bond. And their bond is very apparent. They love each other. More than that they need each other.

My happiness moment today was when Jenna, and later Jacob came downstairs and told me that Abu and Aladdin were lying upstairs holding hands. I was rushing cooking supper, but I stopped and the three of us stood on the stairs for a long time watching them. We quietly talked about how much they loved each other and how sweet it was to see them lying there together.

It made me think of the power of love. How it  was strong enough to stop us in our busy lives to simply stand and witness it. How peaceful and calm it made us feel. How happy and grateful we were to be a part of it.

Love really is the most important thing. All you need is love.

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Snowflakes on your tongue

My poor little Jennabean is still sick. It’s been a long couple of weeks as she’s coughed and coughed herself through every day. We have been to Urgent Care once and the doctor several times. Finally today (on doctors advice) we headed into the Children’s Hospital for them to have a look at her.

She’s fine… I mean she’s not fine in the sense that she can’t stop coughing… but besides that she is fine. She’s not in distress, there’s nothing it seems to worry about except this cough. This darn cough that is constant from the moment she gets up until she goes to sleep. It’s non stop fits of coughing that are exhausting just to listen to, forget be the poor little body shaking them out.

I am so thankful that she is ok, I feel helpless, but it is comforting to know that she just needs to cough it out and then she will be herself again. It’s frustrating that there is no magic wand we can wave and cure it immediately.

In the midst of all of this I have been so thankful for the healing hands she has had on her side. We just got a family doctor a couple of weeks before she got sick, thank goodness for that. Right from the moment I met our doctor I had a lot of confidence in her, she’s exactly the kind of family doctor I wanted for us.  Not only have we had these people dedicated to trying to help ease her discomfort, but because she got sick in Alberta, I don’t have to stress about payment every time we go see the doctor. I can’t even begin to describe the relief I feel at the fact that I can take her in to be helped without having to be concerned about the cost of the visit.

On our drive home it was snowing. I used to be a very comfortable winter driver, after a few years of living in the South I’m not quite as much anymore. The fact that it was dark made it that much worse. Fortunately it’s a road I know well and in no time at all we were safely pulling into the front of our house.

As Jenna opened her door she turned and looked at me and said this is the first snowfall this year that  I have been awake for. I haven’t had a snowflake on my tongue yet this year. And with that got out of the car, tilted her head back, opened her mouth and caught a snowflake on her tongue. My happiness moment – even when she’s been feeling so crappy, she still knows how to seek enjoyment in the small things in life. I love this kid.

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Meet the teacher

Today was parent/teacher conferences at Jacob’s school. Because I’m that mom I made appointments with all of his teachers and dragged him along for the fun. So much for your day off buddy.

I remember as a kid feeling physically ill when my parents would head off for chats with my teachers. School wasn’t really my thing and it was reflected in my grades – especially those jr. high years. Jacob was feeling some of the same tummy issues (and scared heart issues too he told me) as we were heading to his school.

I really wasn’t sure what to expect. Because of the bullying issue I have had some conversations with the A.P. and his math teacher, both of whom seemed really kind and seemed to really like Jacob. But I wasn’t sure what the rest of the conferences were going to be like.

What I was told was that my son is a good advocate for himself (I heard those exact words from three different teachers), that he is kind and caring and responsible and the kind of kid they were all happy to know.

My happiness moment today was also a proud mommy moment as all of his teachers told me what a great student (and person) he was to have in their classes. I was impressed how in such a short time they all seemed to have a pretty good idea of who he is as a person, not just their student. A few of them made sports references – bugging him for being a Patriots fan – and mentioned other little details that made me know that they’d taken the time to get to know who he really is.

We have been so blessed with the schools for both kids. They have been scooped up into safe nests filled with loving care. Jacob is surrounded with adults at that school who have his back and really want to see him succeed. Happiness.

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