From FOMO to FOMA to Fearless

FOMO – or the Fear Of Missing Out – is a real condition and it runs strong in my family. So I come by it honestly.

I used to push myself to do things that I maybe didn’t really want to do because of FOMO. I would go places and do things that my inner being knew I didn’t really need to do because of FOMO. What if something fun happened and I wasn’t there?

Then I got brought to my knees by anxiety. Well, to be more accurate it kind of crept up on me until it finally had weakened me enough to bring me to my knees.

I had to reassess everything. What kind of life did I want to live, how did I want to live it?

I went from being a regular, quiet, introverted type, someone who was generally pretty happy with life, to someone who was so overridden with anxiety I was having a difficult time getting through basic daily activities. I ended up with FOMA – or Fear Of My Anxiety. I started being afraid of doing things because I was afraid it would give me anxiety. I wasn’t just not doing things that made me anxious – but living with a fear of things that could make me anxious.

Not a fun way to live.

One day I realized that if this was ever going to change I was going to have to deal with both FOMO and FOMA, and that I was going to have to deal with it myself. I was very aware that living 2,000 miles from my home and my emotional support system left me in a place where I was going to have to dig deep and figure this out myself. I had two little ones who needed me to be emotionally present for them and who I needed to give my emotional support to. They’re probably going to grow up and say “Gawd mom was such a mess”, but I’d prefer it wasn’t because of this issue.

I accepted that for me FOMA and FOMO were intertwined. I didn’t want to miss out on anything, sometimes I felt the need to be a part of the activities to make sure they ran properly (control – a fear based issue). It took me a while to realize that in the grand scheme of things *I* wasn’t that important. All those things would keep on happening whether or not I was there. Wouldn’t it be much nicer to pick and choose and participate in those activities that genuinely brought me happiness? To be present and focused in the activities I was involved in?

My cure for FOMO? The joking understanding that nothing fun happens if I’m not there anyway. I know this isn’t true, and that tons of fun things happen every second of every day that I don’t participate in. But, do I really need to be a part of everything?

Dealing with the FOMA? This took lots of time. I pretty much stopped everything and rebooted myself. I cocooned for a while and looked after myself. For the first time in my life I actually put myself and my needs first and really looked after myself. I began separating myself from people and activities that increased my anxiety (this was the most difficult and most important thing I did). I looked long and hard at the things that had to get done and prioritized them. Knowing that I was not going to be doing everything but that the things I was doing were things that were important to me. Knowing that I wasn’t missing out on anything because the things that I was now doing were bringing me more happiness and more meaning.

Spending two months at home this past summer in a nurturing and caring environment helped boost me right over the top from where I felt I was dealing with my anxiety to where I felt like I was fearless of my anxiety. Amazing how a good dose of being grounded and loved and reminded of who you are at the core of your being will do that.

Since that I have been working on being Fearless. Before this would have meant that I did anything I was challenged to do no matter what my inner voice told me. That I never showed fear. That I was always brave That I met every challenge with little regard for my personal consequence. Now, being Fearless has an entirely different meaning. Fearless to me now means that I don’t have to live with that feeling like I’m not being true to myself. As long as I’m being true to who I really am I’m confident with my life and happy with my choices. I don’t feel like I’m missing out because I’m doing the things I really want to do. I’m living a more peaceful and blissful life. I’m not quite where I want to be yet, but at least I can see that I’m walking on the path. That makes me grateful with each breath I take.

There is another side to living with Anxiety. It is possible to get through it and move on to finding true happiness and joy. I feel more bliss now when I’m living in my sweet spot than I ever have before. This does not mean that there aren’t times when I feel anxious, or times when I’m sure I’m missing out on all kinds of fun. What it means is that I’m becoming more comfortable and relaxed in knowing that I’m on the path to freedom.

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A spiritual being having a human experience

We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.

Pierre Teilhard de Chardin

The last few days I’ve been doing different readings and this quote is showing up everywhere. Even randomly on my Facebook feed. My dad and I had a conversation somewhat along these lines over the holidays. It seems to be something that I really need to pay attention to.

I find it so easy to get hung up on being a human being. The physical experience. How does my body feel today. How does my body look. I walked along the river this morning and thought about the fact that I am a spiritual being having a human experience. I felt my body resist this thought (whaaaat? No you’re not. Feel me, I’m here). And at the same time my spirit feel joy at this thought (thank you for finally noticing I’m here. When that body is gone I’m still going to be here, you know).

Being a spiritual being reminds me that we are all gifts from God (even those people who annoy me, I need to especially remember that those people are). We are all here with a Divine purpose and it’s our job to figure that out and live blissfully in it. Find our dharma and live it with joy.

Remembering that I am having a human experience reminds me that any struggles are temporary. This physical aspect is but one part of the entity that makes me me.

That little light that shines in all of us? That is our spiritual being. Shining with love and bliss and brilliance.

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My Freedom Eagle

Twice while driving out to the ranch with Jenna we passed a bald eagle feeding on an elk carcass at the side of the road. On the last day of our stay I passed the same eagle again sitting on a fence at the far east edge of the ranch. As I drove past it our eyes locked and its head turned and followed me as I drove past.

I have always loved the time of the year when the eagles migrate through the ranch. Both the bald and the golden eagles are often found in the spring circling above the cow pastures and there have been countless times when I have stood out in the field and admired them.

This however is not spring time and this eagle should not have been there in late December, early January. So I was aware that I better pay closer attention to him.

I spent a little time reading up on the spiritual meanings of a bald eagle.

They have excellent vision and are able to see what they need at a great distance and have the timing to know exactly when to swoop down after something. Ah yes, the reminder that I need to stay focused on my calling. To keep my eye on what I want.

They are one of the largest birds that can fly, not only can they fly but they fly high and free far up in the sky. Freedom. Like expanding your spirit and soaring. Ah yes, to remember to stretch my limits. To embrace the freedom of my spirit. To drop away fear and fly.

When you see an eagle you are challenged to delve deeper into your spiritual quest. To collect those thoughts and dreams and bring them into reality. Ah yes, to chase my dharma the same way that the eagle focuses in on its prey and remains focused until it catches it.

It was believed that the eagle could carry prayers to the Great Spirit, that it could balance between the spiritual world and the physical world. Ah yes, this balance I’m working so hard to create and maintain. The easy connection to the Spirit. To do this just by existing.

A freedom bird. Making an unexpected and unusual appearance at a time when I am seeking my spiritual freedom. Coincidence? I think not!

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Raise A Little Hell….

Back in the day I used to be quite the hell raiser (sorry mom and dad). I don’t even know what it was about me that made me want to be a hell raiser, but I was. I lived by my heart and my gut and reacted strongly from both. This led to both wonderful situations and very difficult situations being created. For the most part though, I can say I lived true to myself, honored my own spirit and generally believed I was doing the right thing for me.

Somewhere along the way (actually I know exactly where) I sold myself out. I made the conscious decision to not be a hell raiser anymore. I decided to take the safe route, to try and not upset people, to make what society considered smart decisions – and as a result, to give up on what I believed, desired and wanted, I gave up on my bliss.

Stupid move eh? It was made with the best of intentions at the time. I had no idea then the effect it would have on the rest of my life. Ironically, I don’t believe it made anyone else any happier that I stopped raising hell, and I certainly paid a hefty price for giving up on who I was.

So, here I sit at 43 having spent the past couple of years reflecting on how the choices I have made have led me to this moment in time. Some of those choices have been awesome and I would not trade them for anything, some of them I certainly would have taken the left path instead of the right had I been aware of where that path was going.

The point is though, that I am here at this moment and place in time and no amount of what-ifs will ever change that. And the moment and place in time that I’m in is a pretty good one.

However…

I have discovered that I have a little hell left to raise. I have discovered that a really good part of me was lost when I gave up raising hell. I have also discovered that I have mellowed with age and that the hell I want to raise is not as loud and as abrupt as the hell I raised in my youth.

I watch my children grow up and start to raise some of their own hell. I hope they never lose that spark that makes them *them*. I want them to raise their own sort of hell as they figure out who they are and how they are going to live in this world. I want them to follow their own paths (even if it’s not the path I would choose for them). THEIR own paths – the ones they were put on this planet to follow and only they know how they will get there.

And if they’re worthy of raising a little hell to follow their paths of least resistance, then I am too.

This morning I was listening to Raise A Little Hell by Trooper. These lyrics pretty much sum up exactly where I am right now:

If you don’t like what you got, why don’t you change it?
If your world is all screwed up, then rearrange it?

Raise a little hell, raise a little hell, raise a little hell!

If you don’t like what you see, why don’t you fight it?
If you know there’s something wrong why don’t you right it?

Raise a little hell, raise a little hell, raise a little hell!

In the end it comes down to your thinking
And there’s really nobody to blame
When it feels like your ship is sinking
And you’re too tired to play the game

Nobody’s going to help you
You’ve just gotta stand up alone
And dig in your heels and see how it feels
To Raise a little Hell of your own

In that last verse I realized that that is exactly where I am. For years I looked for someone to help me. Finally in the past couple of years I realized that in fact I just had to stand up alone, dig in my heels and see how it feels to raise a little hell of my own! And here I stand.

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Sunrise over the mountain

Today is the 10th birthday of my amazing daughter Jenna. I’m sure she has brought so much more to my life than I have to hers. She has shown me pure love and true joy. I am thankful every day she chose me.

This morning I was sitting in the kitchen looking out at my beloved mountains being grateful for Jenna and thankful we are still home and can enjoy her first birthday here since her BirthDay. The mountains to the west became lit up in amazing colours reflecting the sunrise to the east and I sat down with my cup of tea to take in the beauty and joy God was showing in celebration of her special day

As I was sitting, the song “Sunrise” by Deva Primal came on my playlist. I’ve had the song a couple of years and I’m sure have played it many times but I never really heard it

Sunrise
Over the mountain
Spreading your light
Over the land

Sunrise
Another new morning
We celebrate
We are the new man

It was exactly what was happening at that moment and was such a beautiful song. I felt like I was suspended in time being showered with beauty and love. Which is exactly the spirit that is Jenna.

I am eternally grateful that this powerful spirit of love is in my life.

She is my sunrise spreading her light over the land. Happy birthday dear Jenna

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Living From the Heart… My Path of Least Resistance

Although yesterday began with a heavy heart as I said goodbye to family and headed to the airport with the kids to begin our long journey back to Virginia, the Universe provided for me as it always does when we are open to accepting.

We got to the airport knowing that one flight was delayed making a connection impossible but not knowing what that meant for our trip. What it meant was that we could get to Chicago but no further until Tuesday as all flights were fully booked. The other option was to stay in Calgary until Tuesday and fly then. Oh the happy dances the kids did right in the middle of the airport were pretty awesome. The poor girl was expecting frustrated and angry travelers and the change in her when we started laughing and dancing was pretty amazing as well.

So, we are happily still here in -30C weather and loving every minute of it.

Well before the New Year I had set my intention for 2015 – although to be more precise as my birthday is the end of January I change my yearly intention on my birthday. My intention for my 44th year is to follow the path of least resistance. Which for me also includes getting out of my head and following my heart.

Saturday I went and saw a dear childhood friend whom I haven’t seen in 15 years. Not only did I have a wonderful reunion and the chance to catch up on each other’s lives a little bit, but I also got to have my aura read. She had just opened up her shop in Cochrane – Spirit of Oneness Inc.

Among many of the things I learned from her reading was that I had a line disconnecting my head from the rest of my body. I guess I didn’t “learn” this as I am well aware of the ongoing battle between my head and the rest of my body for control – but it was interesting to actually see this division.

She guided me through a brief meditation which included asking me to open and breathe through my heart. Although this is something I used to do in my meditations it’s something I had apparently fallen out of the habit of doing without even realizing it. Probably lost focus in the ongoing battle between that head and heart (body).

But I do realize that my path of least resistance very much includes getting out of my head and living through my heart. When I truly want to know what the best thing for me to do my heart always has the answer while my head always justifies and makes excuses for why things should be a certain way.

My reading this morning (naturally) was a wonderful compliment to my intentions:

“When you have doubt, go into your heart space. Take a day and look inside yourself for the truth. No one but you knows your truth. Live from that truth and trust in it. If the way you’re pursuing your dharma is not working, then change direction. But I cannot emphasize enough that you must take the plunge.” (The Wheel of Healing, an Easy Guide to and Ayurvedic Lifestyle)

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The Sunset of my Trip

I’m lying here in my bed in the house I have known since before birth on the last morning of my visit. In two hours we will be in the car headed for the airport and back to our other life. These endings are so hard for me. I never want to leave, this is my home. This is where we belong. This is where our love and support is grown.

Watching the sunset had always been my favourite part of the day. I’m sure it is because both my parents and my grandparents house has an amazing view west looking at the Rocky Mountains. I have a lifetime of memories of looking out those windows at the day ending over the mountains. It wasn’t until 15 years ago when I was living at the far west end of the ranch with an eastern view that I even appreciated the beauty of a sunrise.

So although I am not a fan of endings, I appreciate and love the beauty that is put into the ending of the day

(Photo courtesy of my Dad)

And even though the real sunset yesterday on my last day looked more like this:

when I think of our time here and the love and the sharing and the fun I think of the beautiful sunset. And something that beautiful has to have good things follow it.

So, even though we are leaving with sad hearts and unwilling spirits, I have faith that there is more beauty and love around the corner for us. We are so fortunate to have this big, beautiful, crazy, loving family and we pack all that love up in our hearts and continue our journey.

I am so blessed that I have two of the best and most loving souls to make this journey with. It is difficult to see the hurt on their souls as they leave the only place they truly consider home as well, but we have learned that we combine into a powerful source of love ourselves. We have learned as long as we stick together and love each other we are able to handle all the bumps in life’s road.

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My small life and my Big Life

Yesterday I was going to blog about something I came across in my morning readings. But instead I wandered out and looked at the barn, visited with my parents, went to town with the family, and then went to a party at my cousins house. When I rolled into bed last night I thought about how I hadn’t written anything and reflected on the fact that I was too busy living my Big Life.

When we are home I have family and lifelong friends to hang out with. Or a horse to ride. Or the ranch to just exist on. Everywhere I go there are pieces of me and my history. I feel like I’m living a Big Life. My spirit is happy, the loneliness is less. I feel like myself without having to think about who myself is.
When we are back at the place where we live, I live my small life. It’s not a bad life, but it’s a much quieter and lonelier life. I have to work hard to keep in touch with who I am. The kids and I have to work hard to combat the loneliness of living so far from our home. Too much working hard for things that should just *be*.

I am so happy that yesterday was filled with Big Living. It was filled with good visits and laughs and sharing of lives. And at the end of the day, isn’t that what it’s all about? Sharing my life and living and laughing with those I love is the true essence of my life.

I am so grateful that we are here right now in this moment, with these people, in this place, sharing our lives.

Xoxo

Big Life Fun….

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Boxing Day

My favourite day of the year – Boxing Day. The day when we all lie around in our Jammie’s, visit, eat leftovers, and play with our toys. No stress involved anywhere in this day.

Pretty much all I managed to do today was shower, dress and drive into town to pick up my son.

In between these three things were visits, showings of bugs bunny with the kids and reading a book my dad put together for me.

Another Boxing Day to look back on with a smile.

Oh, and I started my day with this view:

And ended it with this:

Life is so good!

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This Christmas Eve

Christmas Eve began watching Peewee’s Big Adventure. An embarrassingly loved silly old movie. This year I got to share it with 13 year old Jacob who also appreciated the hilarity of it.

We did our usual slow paced organizing for Christmas Day which included a drive into Cochrane to pick up last minute supplies. As a warm surprise, the best part of the day came here with Jacob and I barreling into town singing Christmas carols at the top of our lungs. It was a beautiful, joy filled moment.

In the spirit of finding more of the beautiful and joy filled moments, I paid attention to the second verse of “It Came Upon A Midnight Clear” at the evening church service (it seems I only pay attention to the first verses of carols, they’re the only ones I know).

And ye, beneath life’s crushing load
Whose forms are bending low,
Who toil along the climbing way
With painful steps and slow;
Look now! For glad and golden hours
Come swiftly on the wing;
O rest beside the weary road,
And hear the angels sing.

Here’s to spending more time resting beside the weary road listening to the Angels sing. And to looking for more glad and golden hours. Like bellowing out Christmas carols on the drive into town and to being HOME for Christmas.

Merry Christmas

The Sattvic Life

Stories, histories, and the things that catch my curiosity.

From FOMO to FOMA to Fearless

A spiritual being having a human experience

My Freedom Eagle

Raise A Little Hell….

Sunrise over the mountain

Living From the Heart… My Path of Least Resistance

The Sunset of my Trip

My small life and my Big Life

Boxing Day

This Christmas Eve