I was the fortunate recipient of a random act of kindness today. It was so needed – I was feeling kind of blue – and it was a good reminder that most people are good. Also that people are mostly good. There is pain and hurt all over, but we are striving for connection and love – and that’s what matters most.
I will most certainly pay it forward. It made me smile, and I’d love to share that happiness with someone else who may need it. We all need it.
The girl and I spent the afternoon playing Uno. She has mad skills at that game and the only reason I ever even win a game is because of tricks she taught me.
I love that girl
We had a couple of really beautiful hours this afternoon as we cooked in grandmas kitchen. We listened to music and laughed – then we sat down for a fantastic meal.
The little things
I am so constantly impressed with the circle of support I have in my life. I am so grateful that I have really good people I can lean on when I need, and they can lean on me too.
My people are the kind who will run into the fire to save their loved ones. That takes a strong soul.
Mr. X has threatened to report me to social services as he feels “it is the only route he has to ensure the safety and protection of his children.” Apparently in the middle of this crisis we are in attacking my parenting is the most appropriate route.
The only response I had to that was to just carry on with life. I am doing the best I can – so are the kids. What else can I do?
Churchill said the outside of a horse is good for the inside of a man, and I have always believed horses have incredible healing abilities.
I took the girl out to play with Drishti this afternoon. The difference in her before and after horse time was like night and day. She laughed, smiled, relaxed, and loved on him.
We are home after a long and stressful day. The diffusers are full of lavender and we are unwinding. What a blessing it is to have a home where we are loved and safe.
I feel like in the last three years God has just kicked the shit out of my life. All the earthly foundations I had come to depend upon have been shattered with the deaths of my parents and a financially ruining divorce. But you know, maybe I needed my foundation to be destroyed so that I could build a new life from the ground up.
The thing about starting from 0 means that I get to recreate my life. I get to stop and think about who I really want to be for this next part of my life.
My experiences with my parents really helped me understand I need to strengthen my spiritual connection and that has become my mission.
I’m discovering that while most of the pain inflicted on me and the kids wasn’t my fault (and for a long time I believed him when he said it was), it’s my responsibility to heal from it. That has totally changed my perspective on things.
It helps me step out of being a victim, and into a role where I can actually make a change – not only for me but for the kids too.
I can’t change him, I don’t want to, and I don’t have to. But I have to change myself. I have to keep working at living from love instead of living from fear.
The boy and I had a really weird encounter downtown today. I’m not sure if downtown is always so colorful, but it made me glad I live in the country.
This man in his late 20s and seemingly high on something came up to my boy while we were walking and started trying to intimidate him and was trying to egg him into a fight. He got right up in his face and was yelling and pointing and swearing and threatening.
I was quietly crapping my pants, but my boy – bless him- didn’t flinch or give any acknowledgement of this man at all. Eventually he gave up and walked away.
After he left, my boy turned to me and said – he was trying to prove he was alpha male. But I stood tall and showed no fear. It made him realize I was being alpha and I did it all without any violence. I just stayed calm and held my ground. And it helps I have years of experience of a scary older man yelling at me.
I’m not happy this happened, but I was so proud of how my kid handled a scary situation. He’s got some good life skills that one.
I woke up feeling awful this morning. I’m sure it’s part stress, part exhaustion, but it was full on yuck today.
Since I wasn’t doing much with my body I decided to nourish my mind with some of the huge stack of reading I’ve got to do. I’m learning about long term behaviour change – how to rewire our brains for permanent results. As someone who has experienced the feeling of being stuck one too many times, I find this fascinating.
I’m right in the middle of this place of change and it’s super important I make decisions that will lead to the life I want, not the life I left behind. And my kids need to learn how to make good and happy life choices.
Lately even they have been saying they can feel the shift. The ugly is being left behind and new possibilities are opening up. It’s pretty awesome.
I have known for a little while that the next step in my healing was going to be sharing my story. I just had to wait until the time was right. Aside from the grief of my parents dying and the struggles from the divorce and just general life with teens- I wanted to wait to share when I was in a space where it would be more than angry rants.
I’m there now. It is time. I need to keep healing, and part of that is stepping out of the shame and embarrassment and hurt I lived in.
I’ve started a new blog. I’ll keep this one going of course, it has been a lifeline for me as I’ve been learning how to surrender into happiness. But I needed a place to tell my story. So thefallenhousewife.com was created (you can follow it on it’s Facebook page https://www.facebook.com/thefallenhousewife/).
As Rafiki says it is time. I’m thankful I’m at this stage of healing, there were some hard years in there.
