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Flower walk

Today I tried really hard to get out and do some normal life things. Spring, or the beginning of summer, was always Dad’s favourite time of year. Since the warm weather is here for such a short time, I felt obligated to take in the beautiful sunny day. 

My Uncle Gord has spent ages moving and organizing the opening of his parents’ home at the Cochrane Ranche, and today was the grand opening of it. I went because I adore Uncle Gord, and because I really wanted to go out and be normal. Which I was… And I wasn’t. 

There was a lot of extended family, so on top of Uncle Gord leaving the front to come and hug me and squish up my face (have I mentioned I adore him? Nobody else would ever get away with that), I had family coming up and hugging me and giving me love. 

Which was nice, and also not nice. Nice because I am so blessed to be back in my tribe with people who know and love me. Not nice because it makes this whole death thing more real. 

I had a lovely conversation with two cousins who shared their happy memories of canoeing with Dad. The love and the sadness on their faces was so deep. 

I was quietly shadowed by another cousin. I’d think she’d gone somewhere and she’s appear and squeeze my shoulder and say I was doing a good job. Any time someone new came to talk to me she’d reappear and make sure I was ok.

Talk about having my back. She’s always someone I want in my corner anyway. 

After I left the opening I had to drive into Calgary. As I reached the top of Cochrane Hill I had the strong impulse to turn off to Glenbow Ranch. Dad always loved walking there and looking at the wildflowers. 

In fact wildflowers were kind of Dad’s thing. From the time I was little, he’d take me out into the field and teach me the names of all the flowers. And he really knew them all too. We had little flower books and my sister and I would write down where and when we saw them. 

As time went on, Dad expanded from just teaching us the flowers, to our cousins, and eventually Mom and Dad’s friends. Dad would take a group of friends out on big long wildflower walks and tell them all about the flowers. 

All spring we scoured the field outside their house looking for a crocus – the sure sign of spring. There was never one to be found this year. Once I was at Glenbow Ranch, I decided to go walk the flower trail I had walked with Dad last summer in hopes of maybe seeing a crocus. Nope, but I came across something else 

Can you see it there hiding quietly in the grass?   

A lady slipper 

 One of his favorite flowers was the lady slipper. 

The park was busy, there were people on all the other paths. But for a few minutes I was the only person standing in this secret flower spot. It was the exact place I had stood last summer with Dad looking at Wood Lillies – my favourite flower. 

For just a few moments I felt him standing there with me on that ridge looking at the flowers. My happiness moment of the day. 

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Speed

This evening after a couple of very emotional days made more difficult by my body deciding to express its grief by having major hip muscle pain (root chakra imbalance anyone? Given the core of our family stability shaken I’d think so), I came home and had a three hour nap. Awesome. 

After I managed to roll my butt off the couch, I headed up to visit my cousin. The wonderful thing about living here is all I have to do to go see her is walk around the field where the horses are grazing and I’m there. We can yell at each other across the yard.

I sat with her and her husband and we watched the movie Speed and we visited. It was so nice to just have a little bit of normal. Plus the horses. Just being so close to the horses makes me happy. That was my happiness moment for the day. 

Had a secondary happiness moment earlier with my mom. I drove her to the funeral home in an attempt to make things easier for her and to give her a break from driving. An almost wrong turn lead the poor driver behind us to almost pile off the road. Once we got home it took me forever to back her van into the garage. For some reason my mom found both of these events hysterically funny and laughed and laughed. It was nice to hear her laugh. She thanked me for making her feel so much more relaxed and safe while I drove (insert sarcasm). And laughed. Good intentions and all….

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The beginning of the aftermath of crisis. 

When we were in crisis mode I had the overwhelming feeling that we were the only people in the entire world to be going through a crisis. I was the only little girl (at the age of 44) who was about to lose her dad ever. We had a wonderful support team around us, yet at times it felt so all encompassing and lonely. 

Even then the rational part of me knew we were hardly the only ones facing a crisis, and how even during our storm we were held onto by so many loving arms. 

Here’s what I’ve noticed in the beginning of the aftermath of the crisis. Those feelings of being so alone are gone. We are holding each other up. We are held up by our tribe. And coming quietly out of the woodwork is the support of the others. Those who have already lost a spouse or parent. 

Before I had kids people may have tried to warn me of the pain of childbirth. I’m sure even if they’d graphically and accurately described it I would never have believed that such a pain exists and you can live through it and see better things. These others who have survived the death of their loved one come silently behind us and hold our hands while we work through the pain. They are proof you can make it through. They understand that pain that you can’t describe. 

The tribe we have has circled around us and enveloped us in love and support. I am so grateful for the amazing people we have in our lives. God put us right in the middle of a very strong and loving support system. 

The messages I have received from people telling stories about how dad impacted their lives has let me know that he was this powerful force of love to so many other people as well as to us. 

All of these people slowly and quietly holding us in a nest of love. How grateful I am. 

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Catch my fall 

The happy moment today was at Mackay’s in Cochrane. Ice cream with family we haven’t seen in ages. The really cool thing about family is no matter how long time passes or how little time is actually spent together, there is this bond of love and shared history.   

The sun went down tonight with a beautiful farewell. 

  
So needed on a day filled with emotion. I was thinking today as I helped Dad move to a chair how many times he’s held me up. The little bit of support I gave him to help him move was needed, but it was so small compared to the support he’s given me over the years. The tough times he’s helped me through. The good times he’s celebrated with me. I have been so blessed to have a father who always has my back no matter what, who has always stood firmly in my corner. The knowledge that he’s always there as a parachute when I’m falling has given me such comfort over the years. It’s an honour to be able to give him some support now. He’s got an amazing tribe of people around him. Family who love him, friends who consider him family, a tribe he has built by being a loving, strong man of integrity. 

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The sisterhood. 

Today dad’s sisters and their husbands flew in from Ontario and a cousin flew in from BC. My happiness moment was watching him sit with a sister on each side of him while he held their hands. He listened while they told stories and we all visited and caught up on each other’s lives. It’s been 8 years since my sister and I have seen them. 

There is something so special about that family bond. It ties through miles and years. That sibling bond is unlike any other relationship. All those shared experiences. All that shared history. I feel blessed to have been a part of that moment. 

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Sitting in the morning sun 🎶🎶

Today was a perfect Sunday day. It was warm and clear, the mountains were putting on a show, the birds were happily singing away in the yard – loud enough we could even hear them over the busy weekend highway traffic. 

I had a quiet moment to sit out there with my dad. 

 
We didn’t have to do anything. Just sat and looked west. My favourite view in the world. Sat and listened to the kids running and playing in the yard. It actually wasn’t all that windy. I think it was warm. I’m still adapting back to the Alberta climate. 

And then this happened 

  

Gotta watch out for that  lawn mowing teenager having too much fun driving up and down the yard. 

A quiet and simple moment of happiness. And yet sun a powerful one. 

Proof that life happens in the little moments. 

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Communion with family 

Today we were blessed with the gift of having the Eucharist brought out for us to share as a family. The minister, the temporary minister , and a very dear old friend of the family came out to share this spiritual ceremony with us. 

We were joined by my uncle, aunt, cousin (the recently-bucked-off-cousin), and his wife

It was incredibly spiritual and loving to be able to share this with a few of our tribe. There were special blessings and prayers for dad, there were also prayers said for the rest of the family. At the end I felt very strongly that we were held in the nest of love. 

I wasn’t sure how I was going to react, but since I hadn’t had my morning cry in the car, I  bawled my eyes out the entire time. Which is part of the new me who surrenders. 

Dad has always been a very strong guiding force on my spiritual journey. But he has been a much stronger guidance these last few years as we both have been actively seeking peace, spiritual fulfillment, and a stronger understanding of who we are and what our role in the world is. We have gone for countless walks together around the ranch – across the neighbor’s ridge – and shared our journeys with each other. His strong faith and his sharing his faith as he seeks his path have helped to shape me as I’m finding my path.

I consider it an incredible honour to have been able to participate in this ceremony that gives him guidance and love as he continues on his journey. 

My happiness moment was a walk with my sister this afternoon. We laughed, we cried, we shared memories of childhood. We appreciated our dad and how much he has given and continues to give to us. The strength and the kindness he has shown. The silent but constant and unconditional support he has shown as he stands firmly in our corner. 

We stopped and just appreciated the beauty of home   

 

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Recycling run

Today’s moment of happiness was a backroads drive with my dad to drop off the recycling. It wound us down the road that we used to drive when my sister and I were kids heading to Pony Club   Back when Pony Club was awesome and we were all crazy daredevils doing things that would never be allowed now.

Having the quiet time to enjoy the beautiful drive with my dad was a very special happiness moment. There wasn’t a cloud in the sky all day.

The view from the recycling drop off. Moose Mountain.   

On the way home the kids and I had to pull over at the last hill before the house. When God makes a perfect day like this it is important to stop and breathe in the beauty. What an amazing place we live in.  

Earlier today, after the morning drop off,  I was driving that same drive with that same view when KISS came on the radio. 🎶I want to rock and roll all night….  🎶. I turned it up and had this overwhelming urge to hit the gas pedal as hard as I could and fly the road (I didn’t).  
What this urge made me realize though was what I really wanted. When I was a kid my favourite way of letting go was to get on Pirate and fly across the field at a flat out gallop. This was a tricky thing to do as the gophers dug their holes everywhere waiting for us to fall in. I actually did fall with a different horse and broke my nose so I have some respect for them. 

But, one year the gas company came through and put a dirt road to one of their new wells. When they were done, there was a perfectly long stretch of field that had no holes in it. Pirate and I used to go out there and race up and down that dirt road until we were both satisfied. 

Racing in the wind like that is a truely freeing living in the moment activity. I couldn’t  focus on anything else. There were no troubles that could stay with me. There was nothing but me, my yellow ball of fiery pony, the wind, and God   

Just drop the reins, trust that all is well and run. 

The best cure for what ails me.

I think it’s time to go for a ride. 

Here’s the field Pirate and I used to run in. 

 

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Sushi smiles 

   

 

Today’s happiness moment was a sneak away date for sushi with my girl. She’s always guaranteed to bring a smile and a warm happiness feeling to my heart. Blessed am I to have two warm loving souls in my life in the form of my kids. 

Jacob preformed a loving act of kindness this evening in helping care for my dad while he slept. 

Their unconditional love – the real and true kind with no boundaries is an inspiration to me to be a better person and to love more fully. 

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