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happiness

Landslide

I cannot get this song out of my head today. It started on auto repeat in my brain as soon as I woke up and it just keeps getting stronger

I took my love, I took it down
Climbed a mountain and I turned around
And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills
‘Til the landslide brought me down
Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changin’ ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?
Mmm
Well, I’ve been ‘fraid of changin’
‘Cause I’ve built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Even children get older
And I’m gettin’ older, too
Well, I’ve been ‘fraid of changin’
‘Cause I’ve built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Even children get older
And I’m gettin’ older, too
I’m gettin’ older, too
Ah, take my love, take it down
Oh, climb a mountain and turn around
And if you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well, the landslide will bring it down
And if you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well, the landslide will bring it down
Oh, the landslide will bring it down
I have read so many different interpretations of the song and I keep thinking – yes that’s how I feel, no that’s how I feel – it seems no matter how people interpret it (including Stevie Nicks) that it resonates in my soul.
So, I sit here in Grandma’s kitchen, looking west at the snow covered hills, and I see my reflection everywhere around here – reflections of grandma and grandpa, reflections of my parents, reflections of my aunts and uncles, reflections of my cousins, reflections of me and my sister, reflections of my children. I look up to the mirror in the sky (for me that’s God) and that’s where so many of them are now, and I ask “what is love” and I know what it is, because they showed me, it’s part of what is reflected here.
This is one of Dad’s photos, it seems fitting… it’s my view
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happiness

Take a pause

I’ve been listening to Iyanla Vanzant on an Oprah podcast and she said:

  • When you find yourself in a new situation, a new circumstance, a new life situation

    • Everything that requires healing is going to rush to the surface

    And if you don’t take a minute to breathe, to gather yourself, to pray – you will do what you’ve always done

    So you’ve got to be clear enough, grounded enough, centred enough, to say

    How am I going to handle it this time

    So the lesson is… pause

    Then she talks about how we go from one job, age, relationship, to the next without a pause

    We leave a relationship and jump into the next one thinking the grass is greener

    But because you haven’t paused, you bring all your old stuff into it.

    I have been craving this pause. This place to stop and unpack what is no longer serving me and leave it being.

    I’ve been slowly in the process over the last few years, but the call is getting stronger. It is becoming a matter of survival.

    Stop

    Pause

    Let go

    Change

    Embrace new beliefs

    Connect with God

    Pray

    Sit in stillness

    Be at peace.

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    Our Deepest Fear

    Our Deepest Fear
    By Marianne Williamson

    Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. 
    Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. 
    It is our light, not our darkness
    That most frightens us.

    We ask ourselves
    Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
    Actually, who are you not to be? 
    You are a child of God.

    Your playing small 
    Does not serve the world. 
    There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking 
    So that other people won’t feel insecure around you.

    We are all meant to shine, 
    As children do. 
    We were born to make manifest 
    The glory of God that is within us.

    It’s not just in some of us; 
    It’s in everyone.

    And as we let our own light shine, 
    We unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. 
    As we’re liberated from our own fear, 
    Our presence automatically liberates others.

    This is taken from her book A Return to Love which is one of my all time favourite reads.

    I have been working a lot with forgiveness lately. Clearly given my reaction to an incident a few days ago I still have a ways to go with forgiveness. Time helps, but I don’t believe it actually heals all wounds. I need to actively work at it, and ask God for help with it, but I’m determined to do it. That will being peace which is what true happiness is after all

    As an added bonus happiness moment, we saw the new Marvel movie. Those films have become a tradition in our home that we quite look forward to.

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    Hall things

    We had another meeting at the hall to see where they are at on our steps towards historical designation.

    I’m not sure yet where it will lead, but it’s been fascinating learning more of the history of the building and the community. I love this community and the people in it – I feel fortunate all the time that this is my tribe. And that hall is full of generations of our memories.

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    Homemade lava cake

    I have a friend who understands that the way to make me happy is to feed me chocolate. Tonight he made me homemade lava cake as part of a trial experiment – one I was happy to be a guinea pig for. It was awesome.

    Its a good reminder to find happiness wherever you can. My heart is heavy today knowing my cousins lost their mom last night. Life is short. Live in love.

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    What are you thinking

    In my riding lesson today my instructor was trying to explain to me how to keep my hands at the right angle and height, my toes in, my legs bow legged, my lower leg on, and remember to stay on at the same time.

    I said I had a hard time multi tasking and if I thought about my hands then my leg went to Shit, and vice versa.

    She told me to simplify things in my mind, to just make it all a pattern I followed.

    I then had the best ride I’ve had so far. Everything came together and he was round and on the bit and happy.

    After she asked me what I was thinking that made it so different.

    I said I wasn’t thinking at all.

    She responded by rolling her eyes and saying she wasn’t going to ask me questions anymore.

    I clarified and said, well what I did was clear my head. I stopped thinking and just started feeling.

    She jumped up and down and said yes that’s it exactly.

    Life is so much simpler when I feel instead of think.

    On another note, I was included in a group photo share of a picture of my son that I had shared on here. A big reason why I didn’t blog last year was because my kids wanted the window to their lives closed to Mr X and his family. Lesson learned. I will no longer include photos of the kids on this blog and I will concentrate on my own personal happiness and growth. It’s a challenge since my kids are one of my greatest sources of joy, but honoring their wishes comes first. Relationships take work and time and commitment. You don’t get to bail on that and watch how their lives are going through my window. Not anymore.

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    Lions and violins and bears – oh my!

    My cousin and her crew are visiting us for a couple of days. It’s awesome because I hardly ever get to see her and it always amazes me how easily family bonds. Even though we didn’t grow up together we have enough shared memories that it’s never awkward

    We went to the zoo and saw the tigers, the lions, the pandas, and tons of other animals. I hadn’t seen the panda exhibit before and they were enchanting

    When we got home, my cousin’s son played his violin for us, and I was amazed at how talented that kid is. As someone with no musical skill at all, I have mad respect for people who can put a tune together. He did that and then some

    We are very blessed with this tribe. I am so fortunate.

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    Getting organized

    I finally got a bunch of paperwork off to my lawyer today. It doesn’t sound like a happiness moment, and in general nothing to do with my divorce is happy, but I really needed to deal with some of these issues.

    I don’t need to prove anything to him, but I need to remind myself that he can’t break me. So even if he won’t do his part, I need to make sure I’m doing mine.

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    the jr high thing

    I’m so grateful that my years of being a junior high student are way behind me. Watching my girl go through them makes me remember just how brutal that time of life is. But, I listen to her – and even with the struggles and issues that girls bring up at this age, she’s so strong in her soul. She stands up for her friends, she stands up for herself. Not always, but certainly a lot more than I ever did.

    She also has a couple of really kick ass friends. They have each other’s backs no matter what is going on. That makes everything else bearable, it all comes down to our tribe.

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    The mountain of laundry

    We attacked the house today – specifically the mountain of laundry, but also the mountain of pet hair (it’s a thing) and the mountain of junk.

    Step by step we are getting sorted and organized in this house. It’s been a challenge, moving into a house that has had generations living in it before. There’s lots of stuff, but what makes it slow is the memories. It’s easy to get lost in the memories as we sort through things. Fortunately it’s mostly good memories (mixed with sad missing people emotions) and it’s been fun to share with my kids memories of my grandparents and of their grandparents.

    We are so blessed to be here.

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